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ME411
June 4th, 2006, 12:59 am
on this thread i want you guys to post lists you've seen that you think are funny giving credit to the author.(or at least the link of where you found it)

ME411
June 4th, 2006, 01:01 am
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.
3. When people say, "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say, "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?” If the bus came would I be standing here, dumb ass?



funny.com

ME411
June 4th, 2006, 01:08 am
this is especially for girls! i got it by e-mail,so you might to!
~GIRL TALK
Did u no kissing is healthy
Bananas are good for period pain
Its good to cry
Chicken soup actually makes you feel better
94% of boys would love it if you sent them flowers
Lying is actually unhealthy
Only apply mascara to your top lashes
Its actually true, boys DO insult u when they like
you!
Its impossible to apply mascara with your mouth
closed!
89% of guys want YOU to make the 1st move
Chocolate will make you feel better!
Most boys think its cute when you say the wrong
thing.
A good friend never judges.
A good foundation will hide hickeys!
Boys arent worth your tears

M
June 4th, 2006, 01:11 am
Please edit your posts. It's a nice and pretty blue/pink (depending on skin color) button in the lower right hand corner. It'll allow you to add more to your orignial post.

Also, this topic isn't so critical on the mind. Thus, it would be more at home in the Lighthearted Chat fora.

Noir7
June 4th, 2006, 01:32 am
Indeed. *moves*

an-kun
June 4th, 2006, 10:25 am
Lying is actually unhealthy

Amen to that!


89% of guys want YOU to make the 1st move


The problem is they do, only it's so subtle men can't read it. I think it should say 89% of guys want YOU to make it more obvious you like them

ME411
June 4th, 2006, 04:11 pm
20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY
1. AT LUNCH TIME, SIT IN YOUR PARKED CAR WITH SUNGLASSES ON AND POINT A HAIR DRYER AT PASSING CARS. SEE IF THEY SLOW DOWN.
2. PAGE YOURSELF OVER THE INTERCOM. DON'T DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.
3. EVERY TIME SOMEONE ASKS YOU TO DO SOMETHING, ASK IF THEY WANT FRIES WITH THAT.
4. PUT YOUR GARBAGE CAN ON YOUR DESK AND LABEL IT "IN BOX"
5. PUT DECAF IN THE COFFEE MAKER FOR 3 WEEKS. ONCE EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN OVER THEIR CAFFEINE ADDICTIONS, SWITCH TO ESPRESSO.
6. IN THE MEMO FIELD OF ALL YOUR CHECKS, WRITE "FOR SMUGGLING DIAMONDS".
7. FINISH ALL YOUR SENTENCES WITH "IN ACCORDANCE WITH THE PROPHECY."
8. DON'T USE ANY PUNCTUATION!
9. AS OFTEN AS POSSIBLE, SKIP RATHER THAN WALK.
10. ORDER DIET WATER WITH A SERIOUS FACE WHENEVER YOU GO OUT TO EAT.
11. SPECIFY THAT YOUR DRIVE-THROUGH ORDER IS "TO GO."
12. SING ALONG AT THE OPERA.
13. GO TO A POETRY RECITAL AND ASK WHY THE POEMS DON'T RHYME.
14. PUT MOSQUITO NETTING AROUND YOUR WORK AREA AND PLAY TROPICAL SOUNDS ALL DAY.
15. FIVE DAYS IN ADVANCE, TELL YOUR FRIENDS YOU CAN'T ATTEND THEIR PARTY BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT IN THE MOOD.
16. HAVE YOUR CO-WORKERS ADDRESS YOU BY YOUR WRESTLING NAME, ROCK BOTTOM.
17. WHEN THE MONEY COMES OUT THE ATM, SCREAM "I WON! I WON!"
18. WHEN LEAVING THE ZOO, START RUNNING TOWARDS THE PARKING LOT, YELLING "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, THEY'RE LOOSE!!"
19. TELL YOUR CHILDREN OVER DINNER. "DUE TO THE ECONOMY, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO LET ONE OF YOU GO."
20. SHARE THIS MESSAGE WITH 5 FRIENDS...IT'S CALLED THERAPY!
its another e-mail!

leonheart
June 4th, 2006, 06:46 pm
Ladies, do not get upset, I did not make the rules but having read them,
they are reasonable. At last some guy has taken the time to write this all
down. Finally the guys side of the story. (I must admit, it's pretty good.)

We always hear "the rules" from the female side.

Now, here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules!

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about
you leaving it down.

3. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.

4. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.

5. Crying is blackmail.

6. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong
hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

7. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

8. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

9. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

10. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

11. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

12. If you think you're fat, you probably are....... Don't ask us.

13. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

14. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

15. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

16. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

17. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We
have no idea what mauve is.

18. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

19. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are
lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

20. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

21. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine...Really.

22. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss such topics as baseball, basketball or anything we really like. Not
doctor Phil and other talk show!

23. You have enough clothes.

24. You have too many shoes.

25. I am in shape. ROUND IS a shape!

26. Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

one of those chain emails :D

DiamondSeraph
June 4th, 2006, 06:52 pm
Oh, I like that one Leonheart especially 2,6,7, and 17!

Marlon
June 4th, 2006, 08:03 pm
Its actually true, boys DO insult u when they like
you!

They also do it when they hate you.

ME411
June 4th, 2006, 09:52 pm
They also do it when they hate you.
yes! well, i couldn't get rid of it because its part of the list. i don't believe in that at all! that would mean that half the guys i know like me and i seriously doubt it!:)

Marlon
June 5th, 2006, 04:32 pm
12. If you think you're fat, you probably are....... Don't ask us.

Oh god, I LOVE that one! XD It's so true.

an-kun
June 5th, 2006, 08:15 pm
yes! well, i couldn't get rid of it because its part of the list. i don't believe in that at all! that would mean that half the guys i know like me and i seriously doubt it!:)

haha you never know! Well they're quite close friends to do that to you.

septermagick
June 6th, 2006, 03:16 pm
Or a bunch of jerks so lets get back on topic.

Luis
June 6th, 2006, 04:53 pm
Or a bunch of jerks so lets get back on topic.
Or a buch of jerks? Who licked the red off your lollypop?
We are on topic...... *goes in search of another list*

Marlon
June 6th, 2006, 06:59 pm
i seriously doubt it!:)

XD True. Imagine Rolando liking you.

EDIT: Crud! I'm off-topic... again.

Shezmeister
June 6th, 2006, 07:06 pm
heheh.crud ^.^

ME411
June 7th, 2006, 07:59 pm
@ marlon: what did you think i was talking about mr.10 girls and 1 guy like me and my friend is playing dating service!

Luis
June 7th, 2006, 09:35 pm
@ marlon: what did you think i was talking about mr.10 girls and 1 guy like me and my friend is playing dating service!

:\ NO Fair...... now I wants ter know! *imagines marlon and guy who likes him stuck in an elevator for 3 hours*

Marlon
June 7th, 2006, 10:06 pm
*imagines marlon and guy who likes him stuck in an elevator for 3 hours*

Oh God. Nervous breakdown. =_=

EDIT: We're off-topic, no?

ME411
June 8th, 2006, 11:30 pm
no we're not off topic! *mutters to herself about know-it-all boys and their muffin hair*

Luis
June 9th, 2006, 12:57 am
http://img510.imageshack.us/img510/6228/10159pd.jpg

What is muffin hair?:think:

leonheart
June 9th, 2006, 01:15 am
I dont think that will lose the Geek... quite the opposite

Jhnboyman
June 9th, 2006, 01:35 am
i got this from my friend so i dont know if he got it from someone else... well here it goes


"
This is cute! Watch what happens after you send it on!
NEVER SAY TO A COP
1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3.Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, Office r! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says "Gee .Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

*** Forward this to at least 5 people and see what comes on your screen,
you will laugh your head off!!!!!!!
This works. I don't know how...
?

"


lol

Jhnboyman
June 9th, 2006, 01:36 am
I dont think that will lose the Geek... quite the opposite


yes lol

maybe thats supposed to be funny?

lol

ME411
June 9th, 2006, 11:19 pm
http://img510.imageshack.us/img510/6228/10159pd.jpg

What is muffin hair?:think:
muffin hair means that his head is literally shaped like a muffin. right mr.muffin man (aka marlon)

Milchh
June 10th, 2006, 01:08 am
this is especially for girls! i got it by e-mail,so you might to!
~GIRL TALK
Did u no kissing is healthy
Bananas are good for period pain
Its good to cry
Chicken soup actually makes you feel better
94% of boys would love it if you sent them flowers
Lying is actually unhealthy
Only apply mascara to your top lashes
Its actually true, boys DO insult u when they like
you!
Its impossible to apply mascara with your mouth
closed!
89% of guys want YOU to make the 1st move
Chocolate will make you feel better!
Most boys think its cute when you say the wrong
thing.
A good friend never judges.
A good foundation will hide hickeys!
Boys arent worth your tears

Thanks for the advice. I am a guy. and Some are true. As in the first move. Well, thats the only thing roflmao

but some I was like uh?

melzii
June 10th, 2006, 08:59 pm
well the advice is for girls after all XD
http://www.jurai.net/~bates/dead-totoro/01-20.html and if you don't know what a totoro is, its a big furry animal from the film My Neighbour Totoro. and apparently, some one really does hate them!!

Marlon
June 11th, 2006, 08:03 pm
muffin hair means that his head is literally shaped like a muffin. right mr.muffin man (aka marlon)

No... I baked blueberry muffins just a few days ago, and my head isn't literally shaped like a muffin. It's just my hair isn't in layers. XD

OMG! I love the Officer one. :lol:


I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other
cars around.. That's how far ahead of me they are.

Haha! Very clever... XD

ME411
June 12th, 2006, 02:12 am
yes, well without your hair you look like an anorexic. so its very important! (remember that we told you you looked like a skeleton on stage in graduation? yeah, that would convince anyone that your an anorexic!)

Jhnboyman
June 12th, 2006, 02:51 am
well the advice is for girls after all XD
http://www.jurai.net/~bates/dead-totoro/01-20.html and if you don't know what a totoro is, its a big furry animal from the film My Neighbour Totoro. and apparently, some one really does hate them!!
lol

where'd u find that?

melzii
June 13th, 2006, 04:40 pm
um...i was searching for pictures of totoro cause i love it, and i came across it, haha!
and @ ME411, without your hair, you just look bald.....XD

ME411
June 22nd, 2006, 02:27 am
@melzii yeah...but that only applies to humans!

ME411
June 22nd, 2006, 04:04 am
More Evidence That This World Is Full Of Complete Idiots:

1. Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

2. A man in Johannesburg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

3. A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

4. The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

5. A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

6. Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

7. A convict broke out of jail in Washington DC, then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

8. Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

9. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

10. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steam roller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

ME411
June 22nd, 2006, 04:10 am
Sign on an electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.

On a Front Door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

On a Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push

Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action

Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Scientist's Door: Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.

Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.

Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.

Sign in an office: We shoot every 3rd salesman,and the 2nd one just left.

Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

Beauty Shop: Dye now!

Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Computer Store: Out for a quick byte

Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Music Library: Bach in a minuet.

Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

ME411
June 22nd, 2006, 04:12 am
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.

2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

8. It is easier to beg forgiveness than get permission.

9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel good.

13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.

20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

23. Thou shall not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world

ME411
June 22nd, 2006, 04:16 am
1) When there's only one other person in the elvator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your saiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an apointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "Group Hig!"and then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passnegers, "This is MY personal space!"

melzii
June 22nd, 2006, 03:54 pm
wow, posting five times in a row.....!

Moonlight_stalker
June 22nd, 2006, 04:05 pm
Haha a lot of them are soo fun!
Oh and the "Beauty Shop: Dye now!" i saw this other clothes shop that said, "We will dye for you"
XD

ME411
June 23rd, 2006, 02:48 am
all the lists are from funny.com!

ME411
June 23rd, 2006, 03:40 am
(WE ARE DOOMED! also from funny.com!)


In case you needed further proof that the Human Race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink - AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. On a Japanese product used to relieve painful hemorrhoids - LIE DOWN ON BED AND INSERT POSCOOL SLOWLY UP TO THE PROJECTED PORTION LIKE A SWORD-GUARD INTO ANAL DUCT. WHILE INSERTING POSCOOL FOR APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES, KEEP QUIET.

8. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles - OPEN OTHER END.

9. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

10. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

11. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE. (The shoplifter special!)

12. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP. (And that would be how?)

13. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box) - DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN. (Too late! You lose!)

14. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING. (Are you sure? Let's experiment.)

15. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING: KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN. (Dammit! Who are they to tell me what to do with my kids?)

16. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY. (As opposed to use in outer space?)

17. On a Japanese food processor - NOT TO BE USED FOR THE OTHER USE. (Now I'm curious.)

18. On Sainsbury's peanuts - WARNING - CONTAINS NUTS. (Really? Peanuts contain nuts?)

19. On an American Airlines packet of nuts INSTRUCTIONS - OPEN PACKET, EAT NUTS. (I'm glad they cleared that up.)

20. On a Swedish chainsaw - DO NOT ATTEMPT TO STOP CHAIN WITH YOUR HANDS OR GENITALS. (What kind of consumer phone-call led to this warning?)

21. On a child's superman costume - WEARING OF THIS GARMENT DOES NOT ENABLE YOU TO FLY. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

22. On some frozen dinners: SERVING SUGGESTION: DEFROST.

23. On a hotel provided shower cap in a box: FITS ONE HEAD.

24. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: DO NOT IRON CLOTHES ON BODY.

25. On Boot's "Children's" cough medicine: DO NOT DRIVE CAR OR OPERATE MACHINERY.

26. On Nightly sleep aid: WARNING: MAY CAUSE DROWSINESS. (Duh!)

ME411
June 23rd, 2006, 03:58 am
( i actually got most of them wrong!)


Answers appear after the questions... NO CHEATING!!!

1. The maker doesn't want it; the buyer doesn't use it; and the user doesn't see it. What is it?

2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United States citizen. How is this possible?

3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain on Earth?

4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a battalion against a German division during World War I. Through brilliant maneuvers, he defeated them and captured valuable territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword bearing the inscription "To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of Battalion 8." Captain Frank looked at Art and said, "You really don't expect anyone to believe that yarn, do you?" What's wrong with the story?

6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?

7. In what year did Christmas and New Year's fall in the same year?

8. A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died, and she never divorced. How was this possible?

9. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989 American dollar bills?

10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?

11. How could you rearrange the letters in the words "new door" to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.

12. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will never eat a penguin's egg. Why not?

13. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

14. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

15. There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for admission to the International Home Show," One of them was the father of the other's son. How could this be possible?

16. After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27, 1983, would a Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow's sister?

17. How many outs are there in an inning?

18. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the Ark?

19. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10" tall. What does he weigh?

20. A farmer has 17 sheep and all but 9 die. How many are left?

ANSWERS

1. A coffin.

2. The child was born before 1776.

3. Mount Everest (it just hadn't been discovered).

4. Clara lives in the southern hemisphere.

5. World War I wasn't called "World War I" until World War II.

6. The word "and".

7. They fall in the same year every year. New Year's Day justarrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very late in the same year.

8. The lady was a Justice of the Peace.

9. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine dollar bills.

10. Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.

11. "one word"

12. Penguins live in the Antarctic.

13. Neither. The yolk of the egg is yellow.

14. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with a wooden leg.

15. They were husband and wife.

16. No. A dead man can marry no one.

17. Six . Three in each half of the inning.

18. Moses took no animals. It was Noah on the Ark.

19. Meat.

20. Nine.

septermagick
June 23rd, 2006, 04:23 am
I got most of them right. I don't get the one about the taking a picture of a guy with a wooden leg. Help?

ME411
June 24th, 2006, 12:37 am
I got most of them right. I don't get the one about the taking a picture of a guy with a wooden leg. Help?
YOU are taking a PICTURE of a guy USING A WOODEN LEG! understand!

Maestrosetti
June 24th, 2006, 12:40 am
Oh, come on. That's just giving it away. You could have just given a hint, you know.

septermagick
June 24th, 2006, 01:47 am
Oh. XD *feels stupid*

Marlon
June 24th, 2006, 02:42 am
13. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

LoL. Septy, remember when we gave this one to Ms. Duque? XD

septermagick
June 24th, 2006, 04:22 pm
Yeah. That was fun.

ME411
June 25th, 2006, 12:02 am
what? if she got it wrong i swear ill laugh!

melzii
June 25th, 2006, 08:10 pm
man..even I got that one right...and thats saying summat! XD

dominate_ze_vorld
June 25th, 2006, 11:11 pm
50 Ways To Confuse Your Roommate.

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.

2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.

3. Twitch a lot.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

6. Become a subgenius.

7. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

8. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

9. Speak in tongues.

10. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

11. Walk and talk backwards.

12. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

13. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

14. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

15. Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo. If your roommate complains, expla that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).

16. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

17. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

18. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

19. Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

20. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

21. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

22. Eat glass.

23. Smoke ballpoint pens.

24. Smile. All the time.

25. Collect dog shit in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

26. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.

27. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

28. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

29. Paste boogers on the windows in occult patterns.

30. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

31. Dye all your underwear lime green.

32. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

33. Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

34. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

35. Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due)

36. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

37. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

38. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

39. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

40. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

41. Shave one eyebrow.

42. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there.

43. Put horseradish in your shoes.

44. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

45. Always flush the toilet three times.

46. Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.

47. Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

48. Give him/her an allowance.

49. Listen to radio static.

50. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

^A sad attempt by me to get this topic back on topic...

ME411
June 26th, 2006, 02:18 am
if your talking about the lists you are on topic!

septermagick
June 26th, 2006, 02:43 am
what? if she got it wrong i swear ill laugh!
She did. *sigh*

ME411
June 26th, 2006, 05:48 pm
lol im at my moms work so they all just looked at me as if i was crazy!

Marlon
June 26th, 2006, 06:31 pm
they all just looked at me as if i was crazy!

You are. Anywho...

-------------------------------

HHhhmmmmmm??

1. What is the speed of dark?
2. When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
3. Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
4. If women wear a pair of pants, a pair of glasses, and a pair of earrings, why don't they wear a pair of bras?
5. How come you never hear about gruntled employees?
6. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
7. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
8. If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
9. What's another word for synonym?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
11. When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?
12. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
13. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
14. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
15. How can there be self-help groups?
16. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
17. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
18. If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
19. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
20. Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?
21. Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?
22. Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
23. Where are Preparations A through G?
24. Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?
25. If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?
26. When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?
27. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
28. What happened to the first 6 "ups"?
29. If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?
30. Why does your nose run, and your feet smell?
31. If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

Just for the sake of not getting us strayed off-topic... :heh:

ME411
June 27th, 2006, 01:20 pm
if you still dont understand that talking about the lists is being on topic than you are banned from this thread! (its just a joke for you unimaginative people!) btw HEEEEEYYYA!

Luis
June 27th, 2006, 06:51 pm
*10 **THINGS TO PONDER in 2006***

NUMBER 10: Life is sexually transmitted.

NUMBER 9: Good health is merely the slowest possible
rate at which one can die.

NUMBER 8: Men have two emotions. Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection - make him a sandwich.

NUMBER 7: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they don't bother
you for weeks.

NUMBER 6: Some people are like a Slinky - not really good for anything.
But you still can't help but smile when you see one
tumble down the stairs.

NUMBER 5: Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday
lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

NUMBER 4: All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

NUMBER 3: Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents.

NUMBER 2: In the 60's - people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it
normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT ...
We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in America/Canada but we haven't got a
clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are
located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of
Immigration.

kinda "meh" but o well

ME411
June 27th, 2006, 08:23 pm
i like it a lot! stooper funny!

Marlon
July 3rd, 2006, 05:50 pm
i like it a lot! stooper funny!

Yes it is! XD XD XD

Luis
July 4th, 2006, 09:45 pm
Giving Pills to Pets
How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down the straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

Luis
July 4th, 2006, 09:46 pm
Giving Pills to Pets
How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse in from garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down the straw.
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Throw Tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect cat and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to give a dog a pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

BTW Dogs>Cats

Luis
July 4th, 2006, 11:54 pm
Great To Be A Man


Damn, it's good to be a man.

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your dispose-all.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress - $5000; tux rental - $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the damn time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24 in 45 minutes.
You think these are funny.

Just because I can

Luis
July 5th, 2006, 12:13 am
IM becoming annoying

25 SAD SIGNS THAT YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your potted plants are alive. And you can't smoke a one of them.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hookup and breakup.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up.'
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 p.m.
17. Dinner and a movie - The whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 a.m. would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'pretty good stuff.'
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list and can't find one sign that doesn't apply to you.

ME411
July 5th, 2006, 02:22 am
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper,that's the time to do it.

5. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

16. Don't squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don't worry, it only seems wierd the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

25. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories to arguing with men. Neither one works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

28. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

ME411
July 5th, 2006, 02:22 am
T-Shirt Slogans

1. "Frankly, Scallop, I Don't Give a Clam." (Seen on Cape Cod)

2. "That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" (Seen on an 8 year old)

3. "Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"

4. "Procrastinate Now."

5. "Rehab Is for Quitters."

6. "My Dog Can Lick Anyone."

7. "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"

8. "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)

9. "Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since 15."

10. "ALL MEN ARE IDIOTS, AND I MARRIED THEIR KING."

11. "West Virginia: One Million People, and 15 last names."

12. "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."

13. "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN."

14. "A hangover is the wrath of grapes."

15. "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance."

16. "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"

17. "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music."

18. "MOOSEHEAD: A great beer and a new experience for a moose."

19. "They call it 'PMS' because 'Mad Cow Disease' was already taken."

20. "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead."

21. "Time's fun when you're having flies...Kermit the Frog."

22. "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN.... Cops have nothing to go on."

23. "FOR SALE: Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."

24. "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH."

25. "A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS, but it uses up a thousand times the memory."

26. "The Meek shall inherit the earth.... after we're through with it."

27. "Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana."

28. "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime ommitment for a pig."

29. "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."

30. "The trouble with life is there's no background music."

31. "IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?"

32. "Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!"

33. "The original point-and-click interface was a Smith Wesson."

34. "MY WILD OATS HAVE TURNED TO SHREDDED WHEAT."

35. "Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit."

36. "Computer programmers know how to use their hardware."

37. "MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three-Mile-Island cleanup team."

38. "Nyquil - The stuffy, sneezy, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine."

39. "Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research."

40. "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't."

ME411
July 5th, 2006, 02:27 am
The WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ

1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?

2. Which country makes Panama hats?

3. From which animal do we get catgut?

4. In which month do the Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5. What is a camel's hair brush made of?

6. The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7. What was King George VI's first name?

8. What colour is the purple finch?

9. Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10. How long did the Thirty Years War last?

ANSWERS.......

1. 116 years from 1337 to 1453.

2. Ecuador.

3. Catgut comes from sheep and horses.

4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.

5. A camel's hair brush is made from squirrel fur.

6. Comes from the latin phrase, Insularia Canaria--Island of Dogs

7. Albert--Took throne in 1936. Respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king be called Albert.

8. A definite crimson.

9. New Zealand.

10. 30 years of course. From 1618-1648.

Luis
July 5th, 2006, 02:28 am
great ME411! you always find teh best stuff

Only knew the canaries one and teh russian one... I gots a 20%!!

Luis
July 5th, 2006, 11:49 am
RULES OF ENGLISH ???

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend, that you comb through annals of history but not a single annal? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can overlook and oversee be opposites, while quite a lot and quite a few are alike?

Have you noticed that we talk about certain things only when they are absent? Have you ever seen a horseful carriage or a strapful gown? Met a sung hero or experienced requited love? Have you ever run into someone who was combobulated, gruntled, ruly or peccable?

And where are all those people who are spring chickens or who would ACTUALLY hurt a fly?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn't a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

ME411
July 6th, 2006, 12:21 am
i got that one by email super cool!

M
July 6th, 2006, 01:23 am
...

If that person only took half the time to actually do a proper etymology of those words / idioms...

Meh. I'm not going to get into it. 'tis not the place to argue about proper English and the such.

ME411
July 6th, 2006, 03:16 am
its....just...supposed... to be...funny...

ME411
July 6th, 2006, 03:33 am
As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female (e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")

Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for drawing this conclusion follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as, "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

However, another group of computer scientists, (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:

Five reasons to believe computers are male:

1. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

2. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.

3. As soon as you commit to one you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model.

4. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

5. Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night.

ME411
July 6th, 2006, 03:43 am
You Might Be A Redneck If...
The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your spouse

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.

Jack Daniel's makes your list of "Most Admired People."

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!"

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it.

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is "Dueling Banjos."

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

leonheart
July 6th, 2006, 03:44 am
LMAO i find the female version of the computer one extremely funny

ME411
July 6th, 2006, 03:48 am
:smile: thanks!



Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.

The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.

There are more chickens than people in the world.

Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.

The longest one-syllable word in the English language is screeched.

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.

All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.

No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, or purple.

"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Almonds are a member of the peach family.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

There are only four words in the English language that end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.

Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora La Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "It's a Wonderful Life."

A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.

leonheart
July 6th, 2006, 03:57 am
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.



I think thats why we now have twoonies (sp?)
*throws a twoonie at M*
*runs and hides*

dominate_ze_vorld
July 6th, 2006, 06:25 am
-Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money. Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

-Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

-Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it. Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

-Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

-The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

-Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

-First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

-Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

-Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

-Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

-Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one. Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

-The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

-Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle. Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

-Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

-Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

-Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

-Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

ME411
July 7th, 2006, 01:53 am
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If you can't fix it with duck tape you have'nt used enough

Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.

Constipated People Don't Give A crap.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

Illiterate? Write For Help

"Here officer, hold my beer while I find my license."

I Swear to drunk I'm Not god

"Inside this body lies that of a skinny lady. But I can usually shut her up with chocolate.".

"I tried sniffing coke once, but the ice cubes stuck in my nose"

"Behind every good man there is a good woman and behind that another man looking at her ass"

Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved

A repair shop: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. To the plumber, any liquid in the glass is potential income

Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

The best thing about Alzheimer’s is : You can hide your own Easter eggs.

Procrastinate now, don't put it off.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

ME411
July 7th, 2006, 01:57 am
Top 16 Worst Break-up Excuses
16. Ow ... I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey...Who are you?

15. I'm sorry, but there just isn't room in my life right now for you and my vibrator.

14. I've got this disease... It's called herpigonosyphalaids. very contagious.

13. You're too young for me. I mean, too *old*. We're the same age? Well, that doesn't work for me either.

12. We're just so different you and I. You're an extrovert, I'm an introvert. I like classical, you like heavy metal. And of course *I'm* not a physically repulsive psychopath.

11. You've gone from "sponge-worthy" to merely "spongy".

10. Dear Christine: By the time you read this, I will be a woman.

9. I have early-onset onanism.

8. You're no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with.

7. My penis,uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it... yeah...on the subway I think.

6. "Less filling? LESS FILLING??? I don't even know who you are anymore.

5. My dog is having puppies and I need to take a year off in order to train them to attack your picture.

4. It's not you, it's me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister.

3. I had lunch at the Hunan Palace today and according to the place mat, you're a snake and I'm a mongoose.

2. We just don't have anything in common anymore -- you're a morning person, and I want to see you're severed head impaled on a steel railroad spike.

1. I'm holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining.

ME411
July 7th, 2006, 02:03 am
A Teenager Is...
-A person who can't remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.

-A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.

-A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.

-Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.

-A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can't make a bed.

-A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver's license.

-A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music--loud and very loud.

-An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.

-A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.

-A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

-A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

-A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.

-An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a teenager.

ME411
July 7th, 2006, 10:55 pm
What we have learned from cartoons:

1. You will only fall off the cliff, building, ect... if you look down and notice that there is no longer anything but air beneath your feet.

2. When you get wacked on the head you can see little blue birdies or if your really lucky, stars!

3. If a safe falls on your head, don't worry you can just open the door to that safe and walk out.

4. There is only one company : Acme.

5. Dynamite will ALWAYS be bright red and labled.

6. If you need to get to the other side of a wall you can just paint a door and then walk through it.

7. If someone has already done the above, BEWARE, it will not work for you! Can you say pain?

8. You will always know when someone gets an idea by watching for the lightbulb that will apear over their head if this occurs. Note if the person is stupid a candle will replace the lightbulb.

9. You are immortal. No matter how many times a piano, safe, anvil ect... has dropped on your head you will stagger away unharmed. The same goes for falling from high places.

10. The rabbit, roadrunner ect... will ALWAYS win.

Marlon
July 8th, 2006, 03:25 am
LMAO! XD I love the Cartoons one! Hahaha!

leonheart
July 8th, 2006, 10:28 pm
number ten of the cartoons one is definatly true unlike the rest

melzii
July 9th, 2006, 07:55 am
what about number 1? XD

leonheart
July 9th, 2006, 04:48 pm
i've tried and it doesn't work x_x ouch
*its was a pretty high stair not a building or cliff but never the less...

ME411
July 9th, 2006, 05:12 pm
ummm....weeeee!

ME411
July 14th, 2006, 12:51 am
n case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a McDonald's hamburger recently. Here's David Letterman's explanation(s)....

The Top Ten List "McDonald's Excuses for the Condom in a Big Mac":

#10. We were test-marketing the new "McTrojan"..

#9. Condom, condiment-what's the damn difference?

#8. It still tastes better than the "Arch Deluxe"..

#7. It was either there or in the vanilla shake..

#6. It Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true..

#5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier "Happy Meal"..

#4. So what-a regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway..

#3. Employees too embarrassed to say, "Would you like condoms with that?"

#2. Drive-thru speaker broken-"Coke with lots of ice" sounded like "prophylactic device"..

And the #1 McDonald's Excuse for the Condom in a Big Mac:

#1. When you're "servicing" billions and billions, you can't be too careful

ME411
July 14th, 2006, 12:51 am
If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car? The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you?

ME411
July 14th, 2006, 12:55 am
In a Tokyo Hotel: "Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis."

In a Bucharest hotel lobby: "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable."

In a Leipzig elevator: "Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up."

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: "To more the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order."

In a Paris hotel elevator: "Please leave your values at the front desk."

In a hotel in Athens: "Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily."

In a Yugoslavian hotel: "The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the fob of the chambermaid."

In a Japanese hotel: "You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday."

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: "Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension."

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: "Our wines leave you nothing to hope for."

On the menu of a Polish hotel: "Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion."

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: "Ladies may have a fit upstairs."

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: "Drop your trousers here for best results."

Outside a Paris dress shop: "Dresses for street walking."

In a Rhodes tailor shop: "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation."

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: "There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years."

A sign posted in Germany's Black forest: "It is strictly forbidden on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose."

In a Zurich hotel: "Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose."

In and advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: "Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists."

In a Rome laundry: "Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time."

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: "Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages."

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: "Would you like to ride on your own ass?"

In a Bangkok temple: "It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man."

In a Tokyo bar: "Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts."

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: "We take your bags and send them in all directions."

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: "ladies are requested not to have children in the bar."

In a Budapest zoo: "Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty."

In the office of a Roman doctor: "Specialist in women and other diseases."

In an Acapulco hotel: "The manager has personally passed all the water served here."

In a Tokyo shop: "Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run."

From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner: "Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself."

From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor."

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance: "- English well talking." "- Here speeching American."

ME411
July 14th, 2006, 01:00 am
Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of places that you wouldn't expect tentacles to be growing from.

You start out each morning with a 30-minute jog around the bathroom.

You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

Every time you see a street sign, you have a tremendous urge to relieve yourself on it.

You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbour for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

People stay away from you whenever they hear you howl.

Your breath smells more and more like squirrel dung each passing day.

Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

Your father pretends you don't exist, just to play along with your little illusion.

You collect dead windowsill flies.

Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

You like cats. Especially with mayo.

You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island because they weren't rescued.

You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

Melba toast excites you.

When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him because "the napkins have ears."

You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

You try to make a list of the Warning Signs of Insanity. (cough)

People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

You keep thinking this is the year for the Red Sox.

You despise the voices in your head, especially the one that speaks only Hindi.

You see migrating flocks of ducks in the fall and only your attachment to the toaster keeps you from joining them.

The person you always talk to is invisible to everyone but you.

You like reading lists like this.

The Psychiatrist had a restraining order against you.

You carve the frog god Alamost and say that it rises from the dead at midnight on the vernal equinox

melzii
July 14th, 2006, 08:25 pm
Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this! A
>lot of truth in this.
>
>To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice. Bill Gates recently
>gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will
>not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct
>teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and
>how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.
>
>Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!
>
>Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The world will
>expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
>
>Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You
>won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
>
>Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
>
>Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents
>had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
>
>Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine
>about your mistakes, learn from them.
>
>Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they
>are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes
>and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before
>you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation,
>try delousing the closet in your own room.
>
>Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but
>life HAS NOT. In some schools they have abolished failing grades and
>they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.
>This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
>
>Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off
>and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do
>that on your own time.
>
>Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have
>to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.
>
>Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.
>
>If you agree, pass it on.
>
>If you can read this - Thank a teacher!




(uh, i got this from an email so sorry about the lil arrows)

M
July 15th, 2006, 12:38 am
*was posted in classroom by math teacher*

Everyone knows Abaci can be used to calculate, but that's not all they can do. In fact, Abaci can do more than three bald, paraplegic Frenchmen and fifteen badgers combined. Just to illustrate some of the amazing and unique functions of Abaci, I've prepared a list.

#1 Abaci can be used as a club to hit sister over the head with
#2 Abaci can also be used as a shield to block sister's counterattack
#3 No government security guard questions someone holding an abacus.
#4 Abaci make great farms to raise termites
#5 Anyone can play the Abacus in an orchestra, if only second chair.
#6 Abaci can be used as transportation, provided there's snow on the ground and it's downhill
#7 Coolness points are given to those who use Abaci at rock concerts instead of a lighter
#8 Abaci make great bookends
#9 If you have two, abaci can be used as the legs for a small table by poor college students
#10 If gas prizes are too much, abaci can be converted to energy to heat your home or power your car.
#11 Theoretically, if you move the beads fast enough, abaci can produce small fires in lieu of a tinderbox
#12 Abaci make great pick up lines
#13 Abaci can be thrown at ducks to make Peking duck
#14 Abaci can also be thrown at kids to get them off your darn lawn
#15 Old people are scared of Abaci because they're computers.
#16 Forget Apple. Think differently. (Abaci).
#17 Linux can be installed on Abaci
#18 Microsoft products cannot be
#19 There are no copyrighted moves or beads with abaci
#20 Abaci can also be used as life-preservers since they float, being made of wood.
#21 Being made of wood, abaci are also witches
#22 Abaci do not weigh the same as a duck
#23 Abaci are easily used as placemats.
#24 NSA does not monitor Abaci records yet
#25 Abaci wi-fi is everywhere
#26 Unlike solar calculators, Abaci can be used during a total eclipse
#27 Abaci make great pulleys
#28 Abaci can be used as noise makers at graduations
#29 Abaci speaks the universal language
#30 Abaci can send be used to send an SOS
#31 Abaci can be used as a washing board
#32 Abaci make great stencils for spray painting
#33 Abaci cannot divide by zero
#34 Abaci make great party favors
#35 Abaci, if traveling fast enough, can pierce any substance

septermagick
July 15th, 2006, 03:35 pm
I liked the Abaci list. XD

leonheart
July 15th, 2006, 09:36 pm
huh? *feels stupid*
@M: what is an Abaci

@Melf: the things on that list are sooo true

M
July 15th, 2006, 09:39 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Abaci

leonheart
July 15th, 2006, 09:40 pm
oh now i know what that is :heh:

ME411
July 15th, 2006, 10:49 pm
dont feel bad...I didnt know that either!

Reina
July 16th, 2006, 01:27 am
@M: That's just great :lol:



#7 Coolness points are given to those who use Abaci at rock concerts instead of a lighter

haha

ME411
July 16th, 2006, 02:31 am
ou have been online for 46 minutes. Do you want to stay on-line? Please respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged off.

You have been online for 92 minutes? Do you still want to stay online? Please respond within 10 minutes or you will be logged off.

You have been online for 135 minutes? Not to put pressure on you, but there are other people in the world who would like to sign on.

You DO realize that you have been online for 184 minutes, right? When was the last time that you were outside?

OK, this is getting ridiculous! You have been online for 240 minutes. Frankly, you are beginning to piss us off. If you sign off now, we will bring back your buddy list, OK?

You have now been online for 360 minutes. We promised you unlimited time, we know, but can't you just finish up now and go read a good book?

You have been online for 467 minutes. Do you remember your family members' names?

You have been online 513 minutes. Your spouse has left you and your dog is starving. Do you wish to remain online?

You have been online 724 minutes. Steve Case is coming over to personally kick your ass.

You have been online for 852 minutes. Do you have ANY idea how many HOURS that is?

You have been online for 921 minutes. Do you realize that American Online averages 921 complaints per hour regarding busy phone lines. That is because of YOU, you loser! Now log off and go to bed!

You have been online for 1000 minutes. When AOL went unlimited, we didn't think you would take us literally. Now hang up!

You have been online since yesterday. If you don't log off, we are coming over to your house and pulling the damn phone out of the wall!

Thank You.

ME411
July 16th, 2006, 02:34 am
- You wet the bed and ten people immediately know about it. - You mow the lawn to find a truck. - Your house moves more than your truck. - Your grandmother has ammo and guns on her Christmas list. - Your 1 year old has more teeth than any of your family members. - Your car has more rust and holes than paint. - The dog has a higher I.Q. than you. - Any of your kids has been born on a pool table. - Your salary comes from the offering plate. - You think rich people work at McDonalds. - Your clothes come from dollar general and big lots. - Your dog closes his eyes when he sees what you're eating. - You have been divorced and remarried several times, but you. - Still have the same in-laws. - Your prom had a daycare. - You're considered an honor student because you finished the fifth grade. - You take a six pack cooler to church. - The jack'o'lantern on your front porch has more teeth than you. - You know more than one person named "Darryl."

ME411
July 16th, 2006, 02:41 am
signs you have to much of the 90s
You try to enter your password on the microwave.

You now think of three espresso's as "getting wasted."

You no longer own a real deck of cards. Solitaire, spades, and hearts are all played on the computer.

Every commercial on television has a web-site address at the bottom of the screen.

You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.

The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.

You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he emails you back "What's for dinner?"

Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.

ME411
July 16th, 2006, 02:44 am
The Barbie doll enjoys being one of the worlds most popular toys. However, along the way to getting that status, there were a number of doll variations that never quite made it. This is a list of the Barbie dolls that you most likely haven't seen on store shelves lately...

1. Scratch and Sniff Barbie (Use your imagination...we're not saying a word.)

2. Crash Test Barbie

3. Opera Barbie (complete with the horns and the brass brassiere)

4. Marie Antoinette Barbie (with removable head; guillotine included)

5. Hiroshima Barbie (just a shadow of her former self)

6. East German Swim Team Barbie (a Barbie head on a Ken doll)

7. Frozen Barbie on a Stick (in your grocer's frozen food section)

8. Forrest Gump Ken (Pull his string and he complains for two and a half boring hours.)

9. Divorce Barbie (includes the house, the car, and half of Ken's crap)

10. Broken Bungee Barbie [picture of a Barbie doll lying broken on the pavement]

11. FrankenBarbie [pic of green Barbie with bolts through her neck]

12. Shock Therapy Barbie (car battery and wires included)

13. Samuel L. Jackson Ken (He'll get medieval on your a**.)

14. Manic Depressive Barbie (with a set of Oriental throwing knives)

15. Biker Barbie (We're talking Harleys, not Stumpjumpers.)

16. Fat Barbie, in the following three varieties: a) Big Butt Barbie b) Love Handles Barbie c) More Chins than a Chinese Phone Book Barbie

17. Peg Leg Barbie

18. Eye Patch Barbie

19. Politically Incorrect Barbie (Pull the string and she loudly blurts all your favorite racial slurs.)

20. Death Row Barbie

21. Life Size Anatomically Correct Barbie (for all you perverts out there)

22. Grunge Barbie (with flannel shirt and a goatee)

23. Homeless Barbie (complete with stolen K-Mart shopping cart)

24. Tattoo Barbie [pic of Barbie with tattoos all over her back]

25. Burn Victim Barbie (bandages and Bactine included)

26. Venus de Milo Barbie (made of rock; no head, no arms)

27. Bulimic Barbie (Feed her, then make her throw it back up!)

28. Cyberpunk Barbie (includes 'trodes and implants)

29. White Trash Barbie

30. KKK Barbie (see #29)

31. Tammy Fae Barbie (WAY too much makeup)

32. Serial Killer Barbie

33. Drag Queen Ken (Comes with three, count 'em, three, of Barbie's dresses.)

34. Cannibal Barbie (Great visual imagery, huh?)

35. Fast Food Barbie (Also known as McBarbie...you want fries with that?)

36. Teenage Slut Barbie (see #21)

37. Domestic Abuse Barbie (black eye)

38. Ski Bunny Barbie (soon to be #56)

39. Sucking Chest Wound Barbie [pic of same]

40. Alien Barbie (Don't tell ANYONE...)

41. Mafia Ken (With a violin case...you got a problem with that?)

42. Alcoholic Barbie

43. Mutant Barbie (Professor Xavier's daughter: bald as a billiard ball, wearing a Dark Phoenix costume)

44. Las Vegas Showgirl Barbie [pic of doll in skimpy dress]

45. FemmiNazi Barbie (Pull the string and find out why men suck.)

46. Napoleon Ken (stands 2" tall)

47. Midget Barbie (partner to #46)

48. Ebola Barbie (Twelve hours after opening she'll be reduced to nothing.)

49. Spank-Me Barbie (see #36)

50. Shish-Ka-Barbie (Here's one we'd all like to see!)

51. Knocked-Up Barbie [pic of Barbie with big belly]

52. Chain Smoker Barbie (with Surgeon General's warning on box)

53. Tough Bitch Barbie (see #15)

54. Junkie Barbie (Gotta love those needle tracks...)

55. Iron Maiden Barbie (not the band, the device)

56. Avalanche Barbie (buried in 16 feet of snow)

57. Hooker Barbie (#44 after the show)

58. Cross-Dressing Ken, er, Barbie, er, Ken (Who knows?)

59. Whoopie Cushion Barbie (Do you really need a description?)

60. LAPD Barbie (Comes with two nightsticks, in case one gets broken subduing a suspect. Taser also available.)

61. Microsoft Barbie [pic of Barbie doll with Bill Gates' head]

62. Realistic Teenage Barbie (flat chest, braces, and acne)

63. Body-Piercing Barbie

64. Breast Cancer Barbie (shaved head, hospital gown, one breast)

65. Tasmanian Barbie (spins like a top)

66. Siamese Twins Barbie

67. Edible Barbie (also known as Choc-O-Barbie)

68. Hockey Barbie (Looks like #37 with a hockey stick and missing teeth.)

69. Triple Bypass Barbie

70. Lance Ito Ken (with beard, robe, and entirely too much advertising)

71. Marsha Clark Barbie (with a bad haircut and a bad attitude)

72. Diarrhea Barbie (Always on the run.)

73. Kleptomaniac Barbie [pic of doll with suction cup hands]

74. Barbie of Borg (You will buy one. Resistance is futile.)

75. Witch Doctor Barbie (see #34)

76. Elvira Barbie [pic of doll with skimpy black gown and long, black hair]

77. Werewolf Barbie (normal doll, except under a full moon)

78. Living Dead Barbie (use your imagination)

79. Bigfoot Barbie (sold mostly in the Northwest)

80. Cyclops Barbie (One eye, right in the middle of her forehead.)

81. Cyclops Ken (A perfect partner for #43.)

82. Flying Hero Barbie (Yes, I know they made this one, but it's at least as ludicrous as anything we came up with.)

83. Spock Ken (pointy ears, one eyebrow raised)

84. Hippie Barbie (complete with simulated controlled substances and paraphernalia)

85. Knifing Victim Barbie (Bears a striking resemblance to...oh, never mind.)

86. Head Trauma Barbie (I don't even want to talk about that one.)

87. Leprosy Barbie (with removable appendages)

88. Mortal Kombat Barbie (includes more blood than you can even imagine)

89. Iron Lung Barbie

90. Texas Necktie Barbie (with gallows)

91. Safari Barbie (With rifle, pith helmet, and pygmy guide.)

92. Steroid Barbie (The rest of her physique is as exaggerated as her bust is on the normal doll!)

93. Rock Climbing Barbie (#10 with climbing gear)

94. Militant Feminist Barbie (#45 with an assault rifle)

95. Paraplegic Barbie (Her legs don't move.)

96. Quadriplegic Barbie (Neither do her arms.)

97. Cadaver Barbie (removable internal organs)

98. Hunchback Barbie (Pull the string and she cries, "Sanctuary! Sanctuary!")

99. Nancy Kerrigan Barbie (Her knees bend backwards.)

100. Tonya Harding Barbie (You didn't think we'd sell one without the other, did you?)

101. Barbie Brain in a Jar [pic of an empty jar]

102. Circus Clown Barbie (Looks almost identical to #31.)

103. Human Cannonball Barbie (complete with spring-loaded cannon that will shoot her 15-20 eet.)

104. Lion Tamer Barbie (Lion is included. Barbie's head is not.)

105. Freak Show Barbie

106. Bearded Barbie [pic of same]

107. Elephant Trainer Barbie (squashed flat)

108. Bladder Control Barbie (comes with a free box of Depends undergarments)

109. Chernobyl Barbie (glows in the dark)

110. Jabba the Barbie [pic of Jabba with a Barbie head]

111. Princess Leia Barbie [pic of Barbie with the hairdo from Star Wars]

112. Darth Vader Barbie (Plastic helmet; pull the string and she sounds like James Earl Jones.)

113. Wookie Barbie (obnoxious blonde hair everywhere)

114. Sharon Stone Barbie (Is there a difference?)

115. 'Arnold' Ken (big and buff, no neck)

116. Rush Limbarbie (Big, no neck, but not buff. See also #16.)

117. Godzilla Barbie (six foot tall lizard with Barbie head)

118. King Kong Barbie (six foot tall ape holding Barbie doll dressed like Fae Rae)

119. T2 Barbie (a study in silver)

120. Bugs Barbie (buck teeth, long ears)

121. Elmer Fudd Ken (bald with hunting hat and rifle)

122. Joker Barbie [pic of Barbie with Joker grin and white face]

123. Two-Face Barbie [pic of Barbie with Tommy Lee Jones' makeup from Batman Forever]

124. Dirty Harry Barbie (Comes with large caliber pistol; pull the string and she says, "Go ahead. >giggle< Make my day!")

125. Power Ranger Barbie (has the ridiculous outfit and karate-chop action)

126. Teenage Mutant Ninja Barbie [pic of one of the Turtles with Barbie head]

127. One-Eyed-Head-on-a-Spider-Made-from-an-Erector-Set-Barbie (just what it sounds like)

128. Potato(e) Head Barbie (also just what it sounds like)

129. Picasso Barbie (Everything's in the wrong place.)

130. Steamroller Barbie (looks a lot like #107)

131. Road Kill Barbie (looks like #130 but with tire tracks)

132. Tail Hook Barbie (naval uniform with a VERY short skirt)

133. Back Draft Ken (perfect partner for #25)

134. Stuntman Ken (comes with lots of Band-Aids)

135. Spear-through-the-Head-Barbie (formerly #91)

136. Bow-Legged Barbie (High Stepper not included.)

137. Amazon Barbie [pic of Barbie in a leopard skin outfit]

138. Shark Attack Barbie (Oh, must we describe everything for you?)

139. Stampede Barbie (We're not talking about the rodeo in Calgary here...)

140. Barbie-Got-Run-Over-by-a-Reindeer (an excellent Holiday gift idea)

141. Disco Barbie

142. Trailer Park Barbie (For the parent who wants to show their child what grown-up life is really going to be like.)

143. Hypothermia Barbie (formerly #56)

144. Battering Ram Barbie [pic of Barbie's head on the end of a battering ram]

145. Joan of Arc Barbie (comes with stake, kindling, and matches)

146. Rastafarian Barbie (She has dreadlocks and ganja, mon.)

147. Brick House Barbie (Built like a brick sh...well, you know.)

148. Medusa Barbie [pic of Barbie with snakes for hair]

149. Gangsta Barbie (complete set of Raiders apparel and rap cassette included)

150. Mafia Barbie (Feet set in cement--she really sinks!)

151. Statue of Liberty Barbie (tall, green, corroded)

152. Cartoon-style 'Hit-in-the-Head-with-a-Falling-Anvil' Barbie (see #127)

153. Barney Barbie (Bloated, plush, and purple; pull the string and she spouts inane drivel.)

154. Junkyard Barbie (A little like #23, but meaner.)

155. Cut-the-Lady-in-Half-Magic-Trick-that-Went-Wrong Barbie (see #152)

156. Banzai Barbie (a small tree cut into a shape that vaguely resembles Barbie)

157. Tree Hugger Barbie (Pull the string and she spouts environmentalist rhetoric.)

158. Ballistic Missile Barbie (like #103, but more so)

159. Saloon Barbie [pic of doll dressed like Old West Saloon girl]

160. Green Giant Barbie [pic of Green Giant with Barbie's head--or vice versa]

161. Tool Time Barbie (Includes tool belt, which she has no idea how to use.)

162. P.O.W. Barbie (undernourished, tortured, and shell-shocked)

163. Lumberjack Barbie (sleeps all night, works all day)

164. Blockhead Barbie [pic of doll with Charlie Brown's head]

165. Organ Donor Barbie (Just like #97, but not dead yet.)

166. Jock Barbie (Looks like Dennis Rodman.)

167. Sears Tower Window Washer Barbie (see #10)

168. Baler Barbie (Wrapped in twine; also known as Farm Accident Barbie.)

169. Oscar Meyer Barbie [pic of Barbie on a bun]

170. Easter Island Barbie (the famous statue with blonde hair)

171. Banjo Barbie (complete with straw hat and Earl Scruggs cassette)

172. Mick Jagger Barbie [pic of Mick with Barbie's head (but Mick's lips)]

173. Headgear Barbie (guaranteed to make kids with braces feel better)

174. Albino Barbie

175. Neon Deion Barbie (It costs $35 million, and you just know some idiot's going to buy it...

ME411
July 16th, 2006, 02:56 am
SHIT HAPPENS!
TAOISM: Shit happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius say, "Shit happens".

ZEN: (What is the sound of shit happening?)

JESUITISM: If shit happens and when nobody is watching, is it really shit?

ISLAM: Shit happens if it is the will of Allah.

CATHOLICISM: Shit happens because you are bad.

PSYCHOANALYSIS: Shit happens because of your toilet training.

SCIENTOLOGY: Shit happens if you're on our shit list.

ZOROASTRIANISM: Bad shit happens, and good shit happens.

UNITARIANISM: Maybe shit happens. Let's have coffee and donuts.

RIGHT-WING PROTESTANTISM: Let this shit happen to someone else.

JUDAISM: Why does shit always happen to US?

REFORM JUDAISM: Got any Kaopectate?

MYSTICISM: What weird shit!

AGNOSTICISM: What is this shit?

ATHEISM: I don't believe this shit!

NIHILISM: Who needs this shit?

AZTEC: Cut out this shit!

QUAKER: Let's not fight over this shit.

FORTEANISM: No shit??

12-STEP: I am powerless to cut the shit.

VOODOO: Hey, that shit looks just like you!

NEWAGE: Visualize shit not happening.

DEISM: Shit just happens.

EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen; shit is.

SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: Shit is in your mind.

BUDDHISM: Shit happens, but pay no mind.

SHINTOISM: Shit is everywhere.

HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.

WICCA: Mix this shit together and make it happen!

HASIDISM: Shit never happens the same way twice.

THEOSOPHY: You don't know half of the shit that happens.

DIANETICS: Your mother gave you shit before your were born.

SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST: No shit on Saturdays.

JEHOVAH's WITNESSES: No shit happens until Armageddon.

MOONIES: Only happy shit really happens.

HOPI: Corn fertilizer happens.

BAHA'I: It's all the same shit.

STOICISM: This shit is good for me.

OBJECTIVISM: Our shit is good for you.

EST: If my shit bothers you, that's your fault.

REAGANISM: Don't move; the shit will trickle down.

FASCISM: Shit makes the trains run on time.

CARGO CULT: A barge will come and take all the shit away.

EMACS: Hold down Control-Meta-Shit.

DISCORDIANISM: Some funny shit happened to me today.

RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.

ME411
July 16th, 2006, 02:58 am
Sing this to the tune "walking in a winter wonderland!

Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin', From my mouth, drool is glist'nin', I'm happy--although My boss let me go-- Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking, Unaware time is ticking, There's beard on my cheek, Same clothes for a week, Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man! Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?" With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man; I just discovered letterman-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes, Don't go out, don't pay taxes, Who cares if someday They drag me away? I'm happily addicted to the Web!

ME411
July 16th, 2006, 03:06 am
You know you're in San Francisco when.....

Your co-worker tells you they have 8 body piercings but none are visible.

When someone says TENDERLOIN- you don't think of steak. You think of danger.

You make over $100,000 and still can't afford a house.

You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.

You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.

You can't remember....is pot illegal?

You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from Ohio.

You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits. Your child's 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.

You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational mandarin or a building your web site class.

You haven't been to Fisherman's Wharf since the first month you moved to SF and you couldn't figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.

A man walks on MUNI in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't notice.

A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don't notice.

You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest.

You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.

You keep a list of companies to boycott.

Your hairdresser is gay, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is straight and your Mary Kay Lady is a guy in drag.

ME411
July 16th, 2006, 03:08 am
Here is a list of some of the funniest anagrams on the face of the earth. If you do not know what an anagram is, don't worry. An anagram is a word/words that are made from another word/words i.e.- Funny.com - con my fun

Mother-in-law - woman hitler

Elvis Presley - Presley lives

Desperation - a rope ends it

Eleven plus two - twelve plus one

Funeral - real fun

Information superhighway - a rough wimper of insanity

California - African oil

Vanilla Pepsi - nipple saliva

Austin Powers - power us satin

John Kerry - horny jerk

Osama Bin Laden - an Islam bad one, anal media slob, a damn alien S.O.B.

Justin Timberlake - im a jerk, but listen

Los Angeles Dogers - all negro goddesses

The Simpsons - mens hot piss

Punishment - nine thumps

Porn is good - dong is poor

Halloween - awe hell no!

Cats meow - cows mate

Prostitute - tourist pet

Spiro Agnew - grow a penis

Enduring - nude grin

Pi r squared (the formula for finding the area of a circle) - squid raper

Detroit Redwings - wetting disorder

You can try and prove that these are not anagrams, but they are, so dont waste your time trying to!

septermagick
July 16th, 2006, 03:50 am
Anygrams could be better describe at word(s)/phrases that can be turned into other word(s)/phrases by rearanging the letters...I didbt find it too funny but nice find. ^_^

M
July 16th, 2006, 03:54 am
@the shit list:

Ras·ta·far·i·an·ism
Pronunciation: -ē-ə-ˌni-zəm
Function: noun
Date: 1968

: a religious movement among black Jamaicans that teaches the eventual redemption of blacks and their return to Africa, employs the ritualistic use of marijuana, forbids the cutting of hair, and venerates Haile Selassie as a god.

Am I the only one that finds that funny?

Maestrosetti
July 16th, 2006, 02:00 pm
@the shit list:

Ras·ta·far·i·an·ism
Pronunciation: -ē-ə-ˌni-zəm
Function: noun
Date: 1968

: a religious movement among black Jamaicans that teaches the eventual redemption of blacks and their return to Africa, employs the ritualistic use of marijuana, forbids the cutting of hair, and venerates Haile Selassie as a god.

Am I the only one that finds that funny?
And thus, a stereotype is born. :P

ME411
July 16th, 2006, 05:23 pm
:lol:

ME411
July 16th, 2006, 05:27 pm
Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex? A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date? A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex? A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last? A: This is a natural & normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly, and go out with his friends to play golf. Or perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the bar for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his buddies. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the apartment, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay"? A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the penis matter? A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male penis measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is 4 inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his apartment and/or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm? A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.

ME411
July 16th, 2006, 05:36 pm
(Various contributions from the members of the childfree mailing list)
1. When you highlight a baby, it washes off.
2. You can't prop up a crooked table with a baby.
3. You can't hide money inside a baby.
4. You can't sell them back at the end of the semester.
5. If you dog-ear a baby, you end up in jail.
6. Your parents aren't always after you to get your first book.
7. Nobody gets upset when a teenager has a book.
8. Making books is as much fun as making babies!
9. Your books don't want to play with your toys.
10. Books aren't offended when you spend your free time web-surfing.
11. You don't have to strap your books in special seats when you travel.
12. If your dog chews up your book, you can get a new book (and keep the dog!)
13. Used books are easier to find than used babies.
14. It usually doesn't take nine months to acquire a book.
15. Nobody looks at you funny when you have a hundred books.
16. A book's natural state is dry.
17. Books can always be shoved in the attic when you're tired of them.
18. Books arrive fully developed, and you can't be blamed for any plot defects.
19. My parents aren't interested in coming to visit my books.
20. If you lose a book it's no big deal.
21. No one makes stupid movies about books deserted at home.
22. A book is more likely to be mauled by a cat than maul one.
23. Books don't wake you up at stupid times of the morning demanding to be fed, amused, or changed.
24. Books don't throw a temper tantrum if - you pay more attention to another book. - you have things you'd rather be doing than reading it right now.
25. You can take a book into a fine restaurant and know it will remain quiet and well-behaved.
26. You don't have to get a babysitter for a book if you want to go out.
27. Books don't point and ask embarrassing questions in public.
28. Books not only ask questions, they also provide answers.
29. Books don't want to watch "Barney". In fact, they're best enjoyed with the TV off.
30. Books don't have recurring costs, like clothing, food, and diapers.
31. You can't download a baby from the worldwide web (yet).
32. You can't mail a baby to a friend you want to share it with. 33. Books don't need to be toilet trained.
34. A book still works with a broken spine. (sick and twisted, I know)
35. You can leave books in a box for months and they will be ok.
36. Books smell better than babies.
37. You can take a book to a fancy restaurant and no one gives you dirty looks.
38. Books don't wear expensive covers from The Gap.
39. You can take a book on vacation with you without resorting (no pun intended) to going to Disney Land/World.
40. Books don't spit up on your shoulder.
41. Books rule, kids drool.
42. Books already contain all the world's recorded knowledge -- you don't have to pay to send them to school.
43. Books don't lose their lunch in your lap.
44. You don't have to pay a doctor to get your new book.
45. You can carry your book in your back pocket and it won't complain.
46. You can sit on a book and it won't squeal.
47. You can take a book to work and no one will complain.
48. Books don't try to run away from you when you put them down.
49. You can't switch from mystery babies to sci-fi babies to romance babies when you're looking for variety.
50. If you put a bookmark in a babies mouth it will either get spit out or chewed up.
51. Babies don't appreciate those itty bitty book lights shined on their faces.
52. You can't skip ahead and read the last chapter of a baby's life to see if you like how it turns out.
53. You can't skip through chapters of a baby's life to get to the good parts.
54. When books have a sequel, you're happy about it.
55. You can take a book to the dentist/doctor/optometrist, and it won't cost you anything.
56. You can buy a book in the supermarket (even as a blue light special!).
57. Books won't wreck your computer equipment, or spill milk and cookies on the keyboard (though *you* might!).
58. A book always rides for free on transit, no matter how old it is.
59. You can loan a book out to a friend, and not be really upset if it comes back a little beat up (sick, I know...).
60. Nobody wants to censor the 'net "for the good of the books".
61. Smokers can smoke around their books.
62. Books never tell you at 10 p.m. that there's a bake sale tomorrow and they promised they'd bring a Black Forest cake.
63. You never have to make a Halloween costume for your book.
64. Families never argue about what church the book will go to.
65. Books never outgrow their jackets.
66. You never get a call at work saying that your book just threw up at daycare and could you come take it home?
67. People don't keep asking you to coo over pictures of their books.
68. Books don't need expensive accessories.
69. There isn't one documented case of a book throwing a screaming tantrum on the floor in the middle of an aisle in a Wal-Mart.
70. You don't have to buy a minivan because you bought a book.
71. People don't go into gross detail describing how they acquired a book.
72. You can leave a book under the bed for months.
73. You can put a book on the shelf and it will stay there.
74. If you get mad at a book, you can throw it against the wall.
75. If you throw a book against a wall, it doesn't splatter.
76. Books don't bite your boobs.
77. You can squash bugs with a book.
78. Imagine if the government gave a $500.00 tax credit per book.
79. When you shut up a book, it stays shut.
80. You can't put a baby on a shelf when you're bored with it.
81. You *want* to take them into the bathroom with you!
82. When you don't want it anymore, you can give it away.
83. There's a place where you can try different books to see which ones you like.
84. Where's the fun in curling up with a roaring fire, a glass of wine (or a plate of chocolate) and a baby?
85. Books don't join Little League, Girl Scouts, or other parents'-time-consuming activities.
86. You can never have too many books.
87. Books don't burst in on you when you're doing the nasty.

Maestrosetti
July 17th, 2006, 12:21 am
OMG! Tr1ple p0st!1

M
July 17th, 2006, 12:24 am
He did an Octal post earlier...

ME411
July 17th, 2006, 04:34 am
who he? me?

M
July 17th, 2006, 04:51 am
Well, start here and you'll see that you posted consecutively eight times in the same day within one hour. That's seven times too many according to the rules.

(Please edit. I realize you are doing this for organization--which I, or anyone, cannot see--but please save us from the many many double posts. You have been alerted about this a few times now. Please correct this.)

ME411
July 18th, 2006, 02:03 am
again who he, me?


(not HE, SHE!)

Maestrosetti
July 18th, 2006, 12:02 pm
That's hardly the point...

ME411
July 18th, 2006, 09:49 pm
i KNOW that! im just trying to make people laugh with this thread.



i know its not technically a list but its hilarious!

A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5- story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor-by-floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."



20. Could you drive any better if I shove that cell phone up your ass?

19. Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

18. Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

17. You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you.

16. Don't piss me off. I'm running out of Places to hide the bodies.

15. You're depriving some poor village of its idiot.

14. All men are animals. Some just make better pets.

13. Some people are alive only because its illegal to shoot them.

12. WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

11. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

10. All men are idiots. I married their king.

9. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

8. I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative.

7. Friends help you move. Best friends help you move bodies.

6. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

5. Always remember you're unique, just like everybody else.

4. If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you.

3. I used to have a handle on life but it broke.

2. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you got.

and the #1 bumper sticker of the week...

1. Honk if you want to see my finger.

dominate_ze_vorld
July 27th, 2006, 09:43 pm
Tard:

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside
the country" - G.W. Bush
"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure" -
G.W. Bush
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any
Governor and that one word is 'to be prepared' " -G.W.
Bush
"I have made good judgements in the past. I have made
good judgements in the future" -G.W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow" - G.W. Bush
"We're going to have the best educated American people
in the world" - G.W. Bush
"We have a firm commitment to NATO. We are a part of
NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a
part of Europe" - G.W. Bush
"For NASA, space is still a high priority" - G.W. Bush
"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that
teach our children" - G.W. Bush
"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may
not occur" - G.W. Bush
"It's time for the human race to enter the solar
system" - G.W. Bush
"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people
going to the polls" - G.W. Bush
"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment.
It's the impurities in our air and water that are
doing it" - G.W. Bush
"Public speaking is very easy" - G.W. Bush
"I stand by all the misstatements I have made" - G.W. Bush

ME411
July 27th, 2006, 10:38 pm
HEY! (*points out she is republican*) that was hilarious!
please dont let this thread die!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Evil Overlord Handbook Part1
1. My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7. When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-on-one and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?", my reply will be, "No, just sensible."

8. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No" and shoot him.

9. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled "Danger: Do Not Push." The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough not to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such. There will be no Plug.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
not a list but its funny!
who do you tell what you want and they give it to you and then you give them money and they go away?

what were you thinking?(i really want to see your answers!)



also not a list...
READ SLOWLY, AND DO NOT READ AHEAD!!!!!!

WHAT AM I?

This is a useful tool, commonly found in a range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosley, ready for instant action. It boasts a clump of little hairy things at one end, and a hole at the other. In use, it is quickly inserted, almost always willingly, somtimes slow, sometimes quick, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out many times in succesion, often quickly and accomanied by squirrming bodily movements. Anyone found listining in will most surely recognize the rhymthic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. when finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

WHAT AM I???

By now you should have guessed, what is it?? IT'S A........

Luis
August 3rd, 2006, 02:53 am
TOOTHBRUSH!

(darn...that was sooo wrong XD)

Online Too Long

70 Ways To Tell You've Been Online Too Long


1. Tech Support calls "YOU" for help.

2. Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL".


3. You watch TV with the closed captioning turned on.

4. You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.

5. You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out".

6. Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

7. You've even gotten on an airplane just to meet some folks face-to- face.

8. You have to get a 2d phone line just so you can call Pizza Hut.

9. You go into labor and you stop to type a special e-mail to let everyone know you're going to be away.

10. You have a vanity car tag with your screen name on it.

11. You no longer type with proper capitalization, punctuation, or complete sentences.

12. You have met over 100 AOLers.

13. You begin to say "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

14. When someone says "What did you say?" you reply "Scroll up!"

15. You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep.

16. You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on-line again.

17. You know more about your AOL friends' daily routines than you do your own spouses.

18. You find yourself lying to others about your time on-line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook.

19. You have an identity crisis if someone is using a screen name close to your own.

20. You would rather tell people that your bloodshot eyes are from partying too much than the truth (online all night).

21. You change your screen names so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are.

22. Your kids are standing at your side saying, "Mommy, please come and cook" dinner and you would rather type another "LOL".

23. You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time.

24. You won't work at a job that doesn't have a modem involved.

25. Your dog leaves you.

26. You have to ask what year it is.

27. You write a letter like this.. "dear tom, hiyas!
how r u doin well I gotta
go bbl!"

28. You name your pets after people you talk to.

29. You smile sideways...

30. You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy list.

31. You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button handy.

32. You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer.

33. Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you think "uh oh cyber sex perv".

34. You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.

35. You use AOL lingo in everyday life (if you still have one he he he).

36. You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

37. Your buddy list has over 100 people on it.

38. Your worse comeback to a bully is "I'll slap ya w/a rubber chicken!"

39. You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get online before you have your first cup of coffee.

40. You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake.

41. You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen.

42. You don't know where the time has gone.

43. You end sentences with 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand.

44. You get up at 2am to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead.

45. You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo.

46. You enter a room & 23 people greet you w/((hugs)) or **kisses**.

47. You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl, dunno and lemme.

48. Your voicemail/answering machine message is "BRB, leave your s/n & I will TTYL".

49. You type faster than you think.

50. You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office.

51. You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa.

52. You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted.


53. You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie.

54. People say, "If it weren't for your super reflexes in your eyes & fingers, you would have been classified as a vegetable!"

55. You dream in "text".

56. Being called a Newbie is a "MAJOR" insult.

57. There is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored.

58. You don't want to leave in case you miss something.

59. You double click your TV remote.

60. You can now type over 70wpm.

61. You think about starting a 12-step recovery group for AOL junkies.

62. You are on the phone a minute & need to do something else & say "BRB" or "BBL".

63. You check your Email and forget you have real mail aka snail mail.

64. You go into withdrawals during dinner.

65. You spend at least 30 minutes making sure you say goodbye to everyone in a room.

66. You stop speaking in full sentences.

67. You have gone into an unstaffed Tech Support room & ended up "giving" tech support to other AOLers.

68. You have to be pried from your computer by the "Jaws of Life".

69. You know what a "snert" is.

70. You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail" & while there you "just wanted to see who was online".

Zen Logic


1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

17. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

19. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

20. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

22. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night!

ME411
August 4th, 2006, 01:04 am
did you have a guess for a first one?

Luis
August 4th, 2006, 01:18 am
First guess was pizza delivery guy...then thought of prostitute.
Im losing me pervyness....NOOOOOOOOOO!

BTW about the Overlord handbook...Teh Linky loves j00!! (http://omega.med.yale.edu/~pcy5/misc/overlord1.htm)

ME411
August 4th, 2006, 01:54 am
the answer was waiter...
thanks for posting the end of the overlord handbook!


How to Shower Like a Woman:


1. Take off fourteen layers of clothing you put on this morning.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing robe and towel on head. If you happen to see husband along the way, ignore juvenile "turban-head" jokes and run to bathroom.
3. Look at womanly physique in mirror and stick out stomach so as to complain about how fat you're getting.
4. Turn on hot water only.
5. Get in the shower, once you've found it through all the steam.
6. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
7. Wash hair once with cucumber and lemon shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
8. Rinse hair. Condition your hair with cucumber and lemon conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
9. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.
10. Try to wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Java Cake bodywash.
11. Complain bitterly when you realize that your husband has once again been EATING your ginger nut and java cake body wash.
12. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that all the conditioner has come off).
13. Debate shaving armpits and legs and decide that you can't be bothered.
14. Scream loudly when your husband flushes the toilet and you get a rush of cold water.
15. Turn hot water on full and rinse off.
16. Dry with a towel the size of a small African country.


******************************


How to Shower Like a Man:


1. Sit on the edge of the bed and take off the underwear you've walking around the house in all morning. Leave them on the floor.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your wife along the way, flash her.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Pat your beer belly with affection as if it was a great achievement. Suck in your gut to see if you have pecs. (No.)
4. Turn on the water.
5. Check for pecs again. (Still no.)
6. Get in the shower.
7. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (You don't use one.)
8. Spend 5 minutes soaping your body and rinse.
9. Spend 15 minutes washing your crotch and surrounding area.
10. Wash your rear end.
11. Shampoo your hair, do not use conditioner.
12. Make a shampoo mohawk.
13. Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror, giggle.
14. Pee.
15. Repeat #9, because it felt good.
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower.
17. Pick up the towel and sniff it. If it smells okay, go ahead and dry off with it. If it doesn't smell okay, holler to your wife to find you a clean one.
18. Return to the bedroom wearing the towel, if you pass your wife, flash her.

Luis
August 4th, 2006, 02:19 am
*guilty for 12 and 13*

ME411
August 4th, 2006, 04:11 am
stupid...

Maestrosetti
August 4th, 2006, 01:07 pm
*guilty for almost everything on there*

ME411
August 4th, 2006, 09:12 pm
*shakes head*


Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are some priceless quotes:......

*I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word. He knew better*.

*I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good- looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with men's balls."

*My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.

*Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, and she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while, so I asked him if he needed to go, and he said, "No." I kept thinking, "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Dan!, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny, did you have an accident?" This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over and spread his cheeks and yelled. "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better by thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!

*This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any? A true story. We had a female news anchor who the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too!

*While on a flight from New York, the Stewardess was busy passing out peanuts and cokes to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Then the other Stewardess got a message from the Pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and t o have everyone buckle up. Without thinking she just announced "Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off", No one saw her for the rest of the flight to Houston, and all the other Stewardesses were laughing all the way and half of the passengers.

*I was working in an aquarium, when some new guy who was recently hired was given the task of feeding the fish. He started throwing in friggin peanuts! I walked up to him, looking angry, and said to him, "Goddamn it! They cant;t digest that! All they can do is lick your nuts!". Needless to say, I quit.

Lightningsage
August 9th, 2006, 03:19 pm
List of Red Octane Members
(Red Octance is my band :))
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~Vocalist-Chris (me)
~1st guitarist-Chris (me)
~2nd Guitarist-Hamilton
~Drums-Nick
~Bassist-Robert
~Remixer-Hamilton (If we ever remix lol)
~3rd guitarist-Kyle
~Tenor Saxophonist-Rylie (If we ever need an extra low sound)

hordes12
August 9th, 2006, 03:32 pm
My future plans, a 666 days plan...

Days:

1-5: sending antrax letters on all of the world presidents

6-15: assassinating all the remaining

16-20: create a virus to dominate the web

21-57: create a nuke

58-78: sending antrax letters to the new presidents

79-124: nukes japan

125-378: create 200 nukes

379-532: nukes asia

533-574: nukes half of earth

575-643: nukes all of the countries

644-665: digs a hole close to the earth's core

666: nukes the core and BOOM!!

Lightningsage
August 9th, 2006, 03:34 pm
Wow...you'd only be killing yourself...please don't even attempt to make a nuke with a kids science kit...

hordes12
August 9th, 2006, 03:36 pm
yayks... forgot to include a day for making an escape pod... i'm dead X.X

Lightningsage
August 9th, 2006, 03:38 pm
With what? Another $8 science kit? Just don't do it....lol.

ME411
August 9th, 2006, 05:37 pm
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal

If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" -Delta Burke

According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -Jay Leno

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfield

You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. -Joan Rivers

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor

The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -Jeff Foxworthy

Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons. -Tim Allen
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Key Chain Quotes
- I need more money, power, and less SHIT from you people.

- We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.

- Discourage inbreeding; ban country music.

- Life is short. Don't be a dick.

- Yoo hoo!! Here I am, at the bottom of your purse!

- Starlight Starbright where the hell is Mr. Right

- To some its a six-pack, to me it's a support Group

- I majored in liberal arts, would you like fries w/that.

- I majored in philosophy, would you like fries w/that.

- I want my man to have a VCR: Very Cute Rear

- I have PMS and a gun. Did you have a problem with that!?!

- I'm 17. Give me your credit cards, give me your keys and get out of my way.

- I haven't found Mr Right but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy and Mr Wrong

- You're just jealous cause the voices talk to me.

- It's Miss Bitch to you.

- How do you keep an idiot amused? Turn over. . . (on both sides of keychain)

- I suffer from PMS... Putting up with Men's Shit

- If you're rich, I'm single.

- Men suffer from PMS too... Pretending to be Macho Studs

- If you shower in your clothes, it shows you're crazy. If you shower nude, it show's your nuts!!!

- I'm immature, unorganized, irresponsible, lazy, and LOUD... but I'm FUN.

- If you don't like my driving, then get off the sidewalk!

- If it has tires or testicles, it's gonna piss you off. - or - If it has tires or tits, it's gonna piss you off.

- Behind every great man is a great woman, and behind every great woman is some guy staring at her ass!

- Bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass

- Birthdays only come once a year... aren't you glad you're not a birthday?

- To some it's half empty, To some it's half full. To me it's time for a beer run!

- (Written in really tiny writing) Nosy little fucker, aren't you?

- (This is a visual gag. It's a condom inside plastic with the caption) "In case of emergency, break glass." (What's really funny is in tiny writing underneath) "Not recommended for use"

- I am so broke, I can't even pay attention.

- I am not a BITCH... I am *the* BITCH.

- I was put on this planet to make your life miserable.

- I'm in touch with my inner bitch.

- I am trying to graduate college with a 4.0 (blood alcohol level).

- I do what the voices in my head tell me. Looking for Mr. Right *crossed out* Mr. Wonderful *crossed out* Mr. Coffee!

- Heartbreaker, looking for next victim.

- In God we trust. All others we monitor.

- Not all women are annoying... some are dead.

- The nuns made me dress this way.

- You! Out of the gene pool!

- You must be this tall to ride this ride.

- Moody Bitch; seeking a caring, and understanding guy to dump on.

B.I.T.C.H. = Beautiful Individual That Can Handle anything!

Luis
August 10th, 2006, 04:26 am
I was put on this planet to make your life miserable.


Thats what my younger bro says to me when I complain about him being annoying. XD

ME411
August 11th, 2006, 12:27 am
lil bros are pains!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These are some quotes from the comedian Steven Wright

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

I like to fill my bath tub up with water, turn on the shower and pretend like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.

I was driving along and i passed a gas station with 2 signs in the window: "Help Wanted" and "Self Service". So I went in and hired myself.

I got pulled over by a police officer the other day. He said, "Don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yeah, but I wasn't gonna be out that long."

My friend got food poisoning awhile ago and he had to go to the hospital. I got poisoning today, I don't know when I'm gonna use it.

I'm writing a book on my theory that the end of the cold was is what started global warming.

I bought some land, real cheap, its on somebody else's property.

During tax season I had a little problem. I had this calculator with no five. I ran into a friend of mine and i told him this and he said, wow thats really weird, how long have you had it? I said I dunno my calender doesn't have any sevens.

I live on a one-way dead-end street. I don't know how I got there.

I was at work and a man came in and asked, "If I melt dry ice can I swim without getting wet?"

If I were in a vehicle moving at the speed of light and I turn on my head lights would they do anything?

I can levetate birds but nobody cares.

It's a good thing for gravity, otherwise when birds died, they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused. All the live birds would be hiding behind the dead ones.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
sexual not really!
MOODS OF A WOMAN An angel of truth and a dream of fiction, A woman is a bundle of contradiction, She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse, But will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.

She'll take him for better, she'll take him for worse She'll break open his head and then be his nurse But when he's well and can get out of bed She'll pick up the tea-pot and aim for his head.

Beautiful and keenly sighted, yet blind, Crafty and cruel, yet simple and kind She'll call him a king, then make him a clown, Raise him on a pedestal, then knock him flat down.

She'll inspire him to deeds that ennoble man, Or make him her lackey to carry her fan. She'll run away from him and never come back But if he runs away, then she'll follow his track.

Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose, She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose, She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk, She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk

She's vague in her meanings, she doesn't compute She's tearful and complex, yet simple and cute. At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad, She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.

MOODS OF A MAN only one word--- H O R N Y!!!

Lightningsage
August 11th, 2006, 12:35 am
I have a Big Bro :D.

ME411
August 11th, 2006, 12:56 am
you are a dork

Marlon
August 11th, 2006, 03:50 am
you are a dork

Is that the stupidest post the world has ever seen or what? XD

@Lightningsage: Haha, I have an older brother too. >.<

ME411
August 12th, 2006, 12:19 am
I WIN! I have 2 big brothers and a little brother!

Maestrosetti
August 12th, 2006, 12:24 am
:topic:

Lightningsage
August 12th, 2006, 06:55 pm
I have 1 big bro and 1 big sis

ME411
August 13th, 2006, 03:36 am
IDIOTS AT WORK I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?" Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS An actual tip from page 16 of the HP "Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees": "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the individual behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling a lie. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
umm!
Smart quiz
The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional.

Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult.

But don't scroll down UNTIL you have answered the question!

# 1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

>> > > >> > > >> > > The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way. > # 2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator? >> > >

>> > > >> > > Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator? Wrong Answer. Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions. > >> > > >> > > >> > > # 3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend... except one. Which animal does not attend? >> > >

> >> > > >> > > Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.

>> > > >> > > Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities. >> > > >> > > # 4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it? >> > > >

>> > > >> > > >> > > Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

>> > > According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four-year-old. >> > >

Send this out to frustrate all of your smart friends. PS: Just the fact that I sent it to you should make you feel good.

Luis
August 14th, 2006, 02:28 pm
The Good, the bad and the the ugly.

1. Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

2. Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

3. Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

4. Good: Your son studies a lot in his room..
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.

5. Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.

6. Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

7. Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

8. Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

9. Good: Your son is dating someone new.
Bad: It's another man.
Ugly: He's your best friend.

10. Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Lightningsage
August 15th, 2006, 12:02 am
Good list Suil...Lol.

ME411
August 15th, 2006, 12:07 am
that is so sick and wrong and yet>... <
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This quiz has been around since we were kids. Remember the answers?

1. If a plane crashed on the border of the USA and Canada, where should the survivors be buried? 2. How many species of each animal did Moses take aboard the ark? 3. How many months have 28 days? 4. How far can a bear walk into the woods? 5. What is the value of coin dated 24 B.C.? 6. How many grooves does a 45rpm phonograph record have? 7. A camper leaves her camp, hikes 1 mile south, then 1 mile east where she sees a bear. Then she hikes 1 mile north to arrive at her camp. What color is the bear? 8. If a rooster lays an egg on the peak of a roof , will the egg roll to the left side or to the right side? 9. If a south bound electric train is traveling at a rate of 66 miles per hour and the wind is blowing to the north at 35 miles per hour, which way will the smoke blow? 10. On which side of a chicken are the most feathers?

ANSWERS:

1. You don't bury survivors. 2. Moses didn't have an Ark, Noah did. 3. All twelve of them. 4. Half way, then he is walking out of the woods. 5. Nothing, a coin could not be dated BC. 6. One (spiraling) on each side. 7. The camp must be at the north pole, therefore the bear is white. 8. Roosters don't lay eggs, chickens do. 9. Electric trains don't blow smoke. 10. The outside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's really scary how this works out. NO CHEATING!!!! First, get a pen and paper. Second, write the numbers one through six. Next to number one, write any number... Next to number two, write the name of anyone to which you are really attracted... Next to three, write down the first color you can think of... Next to number four, write the name of your first pet.... Next to number five write down the name of a family member... Next to number six write down the name of another family member...

Remember...no cheating....

Keep scrolling down....

Don't cheat, or you'll be upset....

Here are the answers....

The number next to number one shows how many times you should be smashed over the head with a baseball bat for thinking that stupid e-mails like this actually mean anything....

The person named next to number two is someone who will never sleep with you because you're stupid enough to waste your time on something like this....

The color you picked means nothing. It's a friggin' color for Christ-sake....

Number four gives you the name of a dead animal....

Numbers five and six represent family members who are embarrassed to be related to you.....

Pass this on to everyone you know, so they can feel like a schmuck too.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some Statistics about us Americans. Did you know that...

* Only 30% of us can flare our nostrils. * 21% of us don't make our bed daily. 5% of us never do. * Men do 29% of laundry each week. Only 7% of women trust their husbands to do it correctly. * 40% of women have hurled footwear at a man. * 85% of men don't use the slit in their underwear. * 67.5% of men wear tightie whities (briefs). * The average bra size today is 36C whereas 10 years ago it was a 34B. * 85% of women wear the wrong bra size. * 3 out of 4 of us store our dollar bills in rigid order with singles leading up to higher denominations. * 13% of us admit to occasionally doing our offspring's homework. * 91% of us lie regularly. * 27% admit to cheating on a test or quiz. * 29% admit they've intentionally stolen something from a store. * 50% admit they regularly sneak food into movie theaters to avoid the high prices of snack foods. * 90% believe in divine retribution. * 10% believe in the 10 Commandments. * 82% believe in an afterlife. * 45% believe in ghosts. * 13% (mostly men) have spent a night in jail. * 29% of us are virgins when we marry. * 58.4% have called into work sick when we weren't. * 10% of us switch tags in the store to pay less for an item. * Over 50% believe in spanking - but only a child over 2 years old. * 35% give to charity at least once a month. * How far would you go for $10 million? 25% would abandon their friends, family, and religion. 7% would murder. * 69% eat the cake before the frosting. * When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton. * 85% of us will eat Spam this year. * 70% of us drink orange juice daily. * Snickers is the most popular candy. * 22% of us skip lunch daily. * 9% of us skip breakfast daily. * 66% of us eat cereal regularly. * 22% of all restaurant meals include French fries. * 14% of us eat the watermelon seeds. * Only 13% brush our teeth from side to side. * 45% use mouthwash every day. * 22% leave the glob of toothpaste in the sink. * The typical shower is 101 degrees F. * Nearly 1/3 of US women color their hair. * 9% of women and 8% of men have had cosmetic surgery. * 53% of women will not leave the house without makeup on. * 58% of women paint their nails regularly. * 62% of us pop our zits. * 33% of women lie about their weight. (Only 33%?) * 10% of us claim to have seen a ghost. * 57% have had deja vu. * 49% believe in ESP. * 4 out of 5 of us have suffered from hemorrhoids. * The average girl starts her period at age 12. * 44% have broken a bone. * Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level. * 14% have attended a self-help meeting. * 15% regularly go to a shrink. * 78% would rather die quickly than live in a retirement home. * 46.5% of men say they ALWAYS put the seat down after they've used the toilet, yet women claim to ALWAYS find it up. * 30% of us refuse to sit on a public toilet seat. * 54.2% of us always wash our hands after using the toilet. * 23.5% admit they don't always flush. * 45.2% pee in the shower. * 44.9% pee in the ocean. * 28.1% pee in the pool. * 55.2% will let someone else come in the bathroom while they're sitting on the toilet. * 39% of us peek in our host's bathroom cabinet. * 17% have been caught by the host. * 81.3% would tell an acquaintance to zip his pants. * 29% of us ignore RSVP. * 71.6% of us eavesdrop. * 22% are functionally illiterate. * Less than 10% are trilingual. * 37% claim to know how to use all the features on their VCR. * 53% prefer ATM machines over tellers. * 56% of women do the bills in a marriage. * 2 out of 3 of us wouldn't give up our spouse even for a night for a million bucks. * 20% of us have played in a band at least one time in our life. * 40% of us have had music lessons. * 44% reuse tinfoil. * 57% save pretty gift paper to reuse. * 66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch. * 53% read their horoscopes regularly. * 16% of us have forgotten our own wedding anniversary (mostly men). * 59% of us say we're average-looking. * Blacks are more than twice as likely to call themselves beautiful. * 90% of us depend on alarm clocks to wake us. * 53% of us would take advice from Ann Landers. * 28% of us have skinny-dipped. 14% with the opposite sex. * 51% of adults dress up for a Halloween festivity. * On average, we send 38 Christmas cards every year. * 20% of women consider their parents to be their best friends. * 2 out of 5 have married their first love. * The biggest cause of matrimonial fighting is money. * Only 4% asked the parents' approval for their bride's hand. * 1 in 5 men proposed on his knees. * 6% propose over the phone. * 71% can drive a stick-shift car. * 45% of us consistently follow the speed limit. * 2/3 of us speed up at a yellow light. * 1/3 of us don't wear seat belts. * 12% of men never use their car blinkers. * 44% of men tailgate to speed up the person in front of them. * 25% of us drive after we've been drinking. * 4 out of 5 sing in the car.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I read this and I just want to set this creep straight. I will add my comment after his.

Rules chicks don't understand:

1. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning. Response: Do it yourself. If your dick won't reach, you're not my boyfriend.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down. R: That might work. But first you must learn to aim. No lady is willing to put down a urine covered toilet seat.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. R: Tell ya what, YOU can take care of this hair for a day and maybe you'll change you mind about that.

4. He's never thinking about "The Relationship." R: If that were true, women would be lesbians.

5. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. R: Sunday = one of the two days of the week I'm not working because you sit your ass in front of the T.V. set all day long.

6. Anything you wear is fine. Really. R: Then why do you always tell me my ass looks big in everything I wear.

7. You have enough clothes. R: We may, but with all the breast implants you make us get it calls for new bras, dresses, shirts, bathing suits....

8. You have too many shoes. R: Well in order to "look fine" in everything we wear we have to have a matching pair with every outfit.

9. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it. R: Get a bigger dick and we'll stop crying.

10. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is an idiot and your Dad probably is too. R: Our brothers are related, they must have some intelligence. Yes our ex-boyfriends are idiots, why else would we have dumped them? My father IS an idiot, he gave YOU permission to marry me.

11. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. R: That depends on the question.

12. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. R: It's a waste of $$. He'll only tell me to make you turn down the damn T.V.

13. Nothing says 'I love you' like a blowjob in the morning. R: Again, do it yourself. If your dick isn't big enough your not my boyfriend.

14. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do. R: Don't do 50 things wrong and there won't be 50 rules.

15. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. R: if we stopped faking, you'd tell us you'd rather be deceived than ineffective.

16. It is neither your interest nor ours to take the quiz together. R: If I brought it up its in my interest.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days. R: If we followed that rule then we would lose all the fights like you.

18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys. R: If we dressed like Victoria's Secret then it would no longer be a secret.

19. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? R: Here is how. You stop looking at other women and we'll SHOW you and let you EXPERIENCE our true beauty.

20. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. R: Who said we didn't want the genie to come out?

21. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. R: How about turning off the damn T.V. and making eye contact with us for 10 minutes?

22. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. R: Christopher Columbus reached America, not his destination.

23. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. R: Do you know how much we sweat down there?!?! If we didn't air it out you wouldn't enjoy them as much.

24. When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the off-ramp, you saying, "This is our exit," is not strictly necessary. R: Your right its not. Only a blonde would say that. Because we all know that it isn't the exit you really want.

25. Nothing says 'I love you' quite like a blowjob in the morning. R: Again, do it yourself, if you dick isn't long enough your not my boyfriend.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Luis
August 20th, 2006, 07:25 pm
Murphys Sex Laws

1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her with no hard feelings.

2. Nothing improves with age.

3. No matter how many times you’ve had it, if it’s offered take it, because it’ll never be quite the same again.

4. Sex has no calories.

5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.

7. Sex appeal is 50% what you’ve got and 50% what people think you’ve got.

8. No sex with anyone in the same office.

9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how long it is going to last.

10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.

11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

12. Virginity can be cured.

13. When a man’s wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.

14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she can’t stand years later.

16. Sex is dirty only if it’s done right.

17. It is always the wrong time of month.

18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.

19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.

20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won’t either.

21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night — Then on Sunday pray for crop failure.

22. The younger the better.

23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.

24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the trouble in the garden.

25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.

27. Before you find your handsome prince, you’ve got to kiss a lot of frogs.

28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.

29. Love your neighbor, but don’t get caught.

30. Love is a hole in the heart.

31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon.

32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.

33. Do it only with the best.

34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to convey its full meaning.

35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.

36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women.

37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

39. Thou shalt not commit adultery…..unless in the mood.

40. Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than you.

41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.

42. Never argue with a women when she’s tired — or rested.

43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn’t.

44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick.

45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.

46. Never say no.

47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn’t love her.

48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.

50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.

51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.

52. Love comes in spurts.

53. The world does not revolve on an axis.

54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.

55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

56. Don’t do it if you can’t keep it up.

57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.

58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.

59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.

60. “This won’t hurt, I promise,”

I am boredAre you?

ME411
August 20th, 2006, 07:55 pm
101 best one liners
1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

6. Never answer an anonymous letter.

7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.

8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

9. Always go to other people?s funerals, or they won?t go to yours.

10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.

11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Campers: Nature?s way of feeding mosquitoes.

17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

21. Nuke the Whales.

22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?

31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

33. We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

34. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

35. DNA: National Dyslexic Association.

36. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

37. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

38. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.

39. DARE to keep cops off donuts.

40. Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

41. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

42. Dyslexics of the world, untie!

43. God made mankind. Sin made him evil.

44. I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

45. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.

46. Don't steal. The government hates competition.

47. Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

48. National Atheist's Day April 1st.

49. All generalizations are false.

50. The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.

51. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

52. If you don't like the news, go out and make some.

53. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.

54. IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you have got.

55. I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?

56. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

57. I can handle pain until it hurts.

58. No matter where you go, you're there.

59. If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.

60. It's been Monday all week.

61. Gravity always gets me down.

62. This statement is false.

63. Eschew obfuscation.

64. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.

65. It's bad luck to be superstitious.

66. According to my best recollection, I don't remember.

67. The word ?gullible? isn?t in the dictionary.

68. Honk if you like peace and quiet.

69. The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG! it happened.

70. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

71. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

72. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

73. A day without sunshine is like, night.

74. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

75. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

76. Gravity- It's not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

77. Life is too complicated in the morning.

78. We are all part of the ultimate statistic?ten out of ten die.

79. Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.

80. Ask me about my vow of silence.

81. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

82. The last thing on earth you want to do will be the last thing you do.

83. Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.

84. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.

85. If at first you don?t succeed, don?t try skydiving.

86. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

87. Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!

88. I intend to live forever. So far so good.

89. Who is "General Failure" and why is he reading my hard disk?

90. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

91. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

92. Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

93. I didn?t use to finish sentences, but now I

94. I?ve had amnesia as long as I can remember.

95. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

96. Vacation begins when Dad says, "I know a short cut."

97. Evolution: True science fiction.

98. What's another word for Thesaurus?

99. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

100. A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

101. I went to the fights, and a hockey game broke out.

Shibura_Kaze
August 20th, 2006, 08:52 pm
Ways to annoy people in public washrooms

1.) Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor, visible to the adjacent stall

2.) Cheer and clap loudly every time someone breaks the silence with a bodily funtion noise

3.) Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free".

4.) Drop a marble, and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

5.) Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettuccine alfredo you had for breakfast.

6.) Fill up a large flask w/ Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

7.) Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 ft. Sigh relaxingly.

8.) Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

9.) Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

10.) Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

11.) Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"

12.) Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

13.) Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

14.) Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

15.) Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

16.) Say, "Interesting...more floaters than sinkers."

17.) Say, "Now how did that get there?"

18.) Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

19.) Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

20.) Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could
you kick that back over here please?"

ME411
August 20th, 2006, 11:08 pm
that is so disturbing but funny!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6 classic affairs
The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

The 2nd Affair A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"

The 3rd Affair A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The 4th Affair A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue." "What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."

The 5th Affair A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?" "A nickel," the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?" The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife." The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here."

The 6th Affair Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess." "There's no need to, " his wife replied. "No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison work."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Men Can't Win
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.. If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it's favoritism. If she gets job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp. If you don't, you are an insensitive bastard.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert. If you don't, you are gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist. If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain. If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something. If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself. If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired. If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are over-sexed. If you don't, there must be someone else.

Shibura_Kaze
August 21st, 2006, 02:51 am
XD I have alot more where that came from! The affair one was hilarious
!

Annoying Things to do at School

1.) Organize a bunch of people in one class to emit a low humming noise, keeping straight faces.

2.) Organize a whole bunch of people to fall off their chairs at the same time

3.) Organize a whole bunch of people to drop their pens/pencils at the same time

4.) Superglue quarters to the floor, count how many people try to pick them up

5.) Write fake love notes and slip them into people's lockers
if someone near you falls asleep in class, tie their shoelaces to the desk/chair.

6.) Lay a paper towel roll on the floor at the top of the steps and give it a kick, making sure you've taped the loose end to the floor already.

7.)Place chalk inside the erasers so the teachers end up putting big 'ol lines across the blackboard.

8.)When you use the bathroom, get a LOT of soap on your hands (If it's the slimy kind), but don't wash it off, just leave goo all over doorknobs, railings, etc.

9.) Screaming gibberish in crowded hallways is always good for a laugh.

10.) Leave a Snickers bar in the toilet.

11.) Ask people to hold your hand when going down the stairs

12.) Type every word in a different font. Alternate really big fonts with really small fonts.

13.) Bring candles and incense to class. Before handing in the paper, perform an elaborate ceremony, entreating the gods to bless the paper and correct all your typos.

14.) Carve your paper on the bathroom wall.

15.) Cite issues of Spiderman and Batman as resources in your bibliography.

16.) Come to class leading a horse or camel. When asked to turn in the paper, take it out of one of the saddlebags, then shoot the horse/camel/whatever away. Refuse to discuss it.

17.) Compare and contrast the characters of James T. Kirk and Jean-Luc Picard. Claim that one is actually Hamlet, and the other is King Lear. Say that Worf is Ophelia.

18.) Draw obscure connections between totally unrelated things. For example, claim that abnormal amounts of neutrino activity in Germany caused Hitler to invade France, or that the Roman empire collapsed because of a shortage of qualified botanists.

19.) Draw pictures of your professor in the margins.

20.) End the paper with "This paper will self-destruct in 10 seconds".

21.) Get a large piece of paper or canvas. Smear paint all over it and hand it in as your paper. Explain that the topic was such an emotional one for you, and that mere words couldn't possibly express what you had to say.

22.) Hand your paper in in a sealed envelope with postmarks from several different countries on it. Say that you wanted several different perspectives on your work.

23.) If assigned a 2000-word paper, draw two pictures of what the paper was supposed to be about. After all, a picture is worth 1000 words, right?

24.) If assigned a paper in philosophy class, explain that you can't do the paper because you're not sure if the class really exists, or if it and the professor are just illusions created by your subconscious. If you do end up writing the paper, write about whether or not the paper actually exists.

25.) Make a footprint on the back of one of the pages. When questioned by the professor, act like it's nothing unusual. After all, he did tell you to include footnotes.

26.) Make a tape of you singing the contents of your paper, opera- style, and hand that in.

27.) Make your paper one long, neverending sentence that goes on for pages and pages and pages; use alot of semi-colons, commas, and other interesting, rarely-used punctuation marks [(for example), an interesting one: the colon_] but never ever end the sentence {[_-|/??!]}.

28.) Ol, switch alound arr the l's and r's in youl papel, rike Monty Python did in Queen Erizabeth the Thild.

29.) On the day the paper is due, skip into class, waving the paper and screaming, "I have a paper! I have a paper!". Run around the class a few times, then joyfully throw it out the window. Laugh and yell, "There's my paper!", then run outside to get it. Repeat this all through the period, or until the prof throws you out.

30.) Paint a large white stripe down the front of your paper. Say that on the way to class, your dropped it in the street and it got run over by one of those trucks that paint lines on the road.

31.) Perfume the paper with catnip. Explain that it was to keep your dog from eating it.

32.) Poke several holes in the paper. Say that you were mobbed by crows on the way to class.

33.) Print all the pages on one sheet of paper, with the text overlapping. Say that that was all the paper you had.

34.) Put nonsense words down as quotes. Say that you are quoting the words of a well-known Zen master who was speaking in tongues at the time.

35.) Pwetend you have a speech impediment and awways type w's whenevew you weawwy want to type r's ow l's.

36.) Refer to all prominant historical figures by nicknames. For example, call George Washington "Georgie". Call Ben Franklin "Sparky".

37.) Refuse to do the paper on account of the fact that you are a member of Greenpeace and strongly object to the gratuitous slaughter of trees caused by the massive amount of paper used in writing assignments.

38.) Spill a martini on your sociology paper. Say that you wrote it in a bar so that you could see "sociology in action."

39.) Staple a picture of an academic building to the paper. Cite the picture as a resource.

40.) Support your thesis with quotes from your VCR manual.

41.) Switch the names of prominent history figures with the names of your friends, classmates, etc. Claim that your roommate led the Spanish Armada.

42.) TTyyppee eevveerryy lleetttteerr ttwwiiccee..

43.) Tell the professor that you need an extension because one of your primary sources is an old wise man in Tibet and he won't see you until the next full moon.

44.) The night before the paper is due, call the professor and explain that you can't turn your paper in because it contains sensitive military information and is only available on a "need to know" basis. Insist that General Schwarzkopf says you should get an 'A'.

45.) Turn in a letter you wrote to your cousin. When the teacher confronts you about it, say that you must have gotten the letter and the paper mixed up. Say that you'll turn the paper in as soon as you get it back, but your cousin lives in Siberia, so it might take a while.(This is a nifty way to get an extension.)

46.) Turn the paper in by making paper airplanes out of the pages of the paper and attempting to fly them onto the professor's desk.

47.) Type gibberish. When you hand it in, claim that your computer crashed while you were printing it, and you couldn't retrieve the original.
48.) Use a forklift to bring your paper to class, even if it's only a few pages. Explain that it involved some very heavy reading.

49.) When writing an especially long paper, put a recipe for chocolate cake in the middle and see if the professor notices.

50.) When your prof asks for an outline of your paper, draw the outline of the piece of paper you typed it on and hand it in.

51.) Write a paper discussing why Michelangelo got to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, but Van Gogh didn't. Discuss whether Van Gogh would have used nunchakus or katanas.

52.) Write about whether Plato would have said that Miller Light is "less filling" or that it "tastes great". Also explain why Aristotle would have taken the opposite view. Try to predict both philosphers' reactions to Spuds McKensie.

53.) Write the entire paper on Post-it notes and turn it in by sticking them all over the professor's door.

54.) Write your history paper on parchment, using a quill. Say that you were trying to get the feel for the period.

55.) Write your paper by cutting out words from magazines and sticking them on the page, ransom-note style.

56.) Write your psychology paper on possible genetic anomalies that might cause a person to prefer anchovies.

Lightningsage
August 21st, 2006, 11:30 pm
Lists of Songs My Band and I have done
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1) My Life
2) Era
3) Never Again
4) Rebirth
5) Calling your Name
6) Ace
7) Next Time
8) Angel's Cry
9) Attribute
10) ReBORN <-Band voted, it's the best song ever.
11) Sanddune
12) X-Fire

aries_fire
August 21st, 2006, 11:38 pm
Shibura I like your list. :worship: Hmm list of forums I have belonged to. Not very long.
animeage.net-it's gone now though :(
sailormoon.com
some other place
daz.3d.com
selecia.proboards84.com
here
fragpimp.com
sailor-games.com
some other place
Ok it's longer than I thought :blink:

ME411
August 22nd, 2006, 12:07 am
ok guys i know you just want to add some good lists but try finding some more funny stuff! youre lists are still greatly appreciated thoguh!


Btw: Shibura where are youy finding these?

Shibura_Kaze
August 22nd, 2006, 03:04 am
I got it at bored.com and getamused.com. Luv those sites! :lol: (please, just call me Shi)

Ways to Annoy People at Drive-Thru windows

1.) Specify that this order is "To Go".

2.) Drive through the drive in backwards and let your rear seat passenger make the order.

3.) At midnight, ask if you are too early for Breakfast.

4.) When Ordering, start talking about the problems you were having with your car. Ask if somebody can take a look at it.

5.) Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.

6.) Laugh loudly when asked if you would like fries with your order.

7.) Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain that you did not like the way the employee said "Would you like fries with your order?"

8.) When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just looking and drive off.

9.) Tell them you have to use the bathroom - Don't Order anything.

10.) Order a hamburger, no bun with two ketchup sachets - Thats all.

11.) Just stare at them when you pay and get your food. Don't break your stare and say " I know what you did to my food ! ".

12.) When they hand you your food, hand them a bag back with all the rubbish from your car in it.

13.) Honk your horn the whole way through the line.

14.) When they come on the intercom, say "Sorry, I'm not here at the moment, please leave me a message".

15.) Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.

16.) Stand close to the speaker and yell your order, using colorful expletives in ways which would embarrass the patrons inside.

17.) After ordering, cover the speaker and mic with transparent tape. Watch as customers and order-takers are unable to hear each other and, thus, each raises his/her volume.

18.) Speak a foreign language (make one up if you have to). When the manager comes to the mic, speak English and inquire as to why the order taker had such difficulty understanding you.

19.) Attempt to take the order-takers order ("Hi, may I take your order?") before they get a chance to take yours.

20.) Order confusing items, i.e., "Hi, I'll have a large orange Coke and a small medium fries, please."

21.) In a crowded drive-thru line, place a HUGE order, then slip out of line and watch the fun as the person behind you is handed 40 bags of food.

22.) When you arrive at the window to pick up your food, hand them several bags of garbage and ask if they'll dispose of it for you. Make sure it smells.

23.) Drive through with a car load of naked people.

24.) Speak in such a garbled fashion that the order-taker will think there is a problem with the speaker and ask you to order at the window. When you arrive at the window, speak in the same garbled, incomprehensible fashion.

25.) Drive through with someone on the hood to accept the food.

26.) Bring along a Mr. Microphone. When the order-taker speaks, aim the mic at their speaker but do so while aiming the Mr. Microphone speaker at the mic to produce excruciating feedback of their own voice.

27.) Have a friend hide in the trunk. When you approach the window to pickup your order, have him start yelling and banging his fists on the trunk.

28.) If you are a male, have a female friend place the order by speaking VERY seductively and suggestively into the speaker. When she finishes, have her hide and pull up to accept your order. See how many of the order-takers fellow employees have been called over to the window to "check out the babe."

Hint: All of the above work very well when done at the late night pick up window.

ME411
August 23rd, 2006, 01:36 am
Shi:you are good at this!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Groucho Marx's Best Lines
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

You know I could rent you out as a decoy for duck hunters?

You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'll bet he was glad to get rid of it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got into my pyjamas I'll never know.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Remember men, we're fighting for this woman's honour; which is probably more than she ever did.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like apple- sauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... Now you tell me what you know.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

Whatever it is I'm against it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Here are a few things that Americans were saying in 1959. Some of you will remember, some will only laugh...

* I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20.

* Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2,000 will only by a used one.

* If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous.

* Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?

* If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.

* When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 30 cents a gallon? Guess we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage.

* Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail haircuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.

* Pretty soon, you won't be able to buy a good 10-cent cigar.

* I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.

* Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the President.

* I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now.

* It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women have to work to make ends meet.

* It would be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.

* I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.

* Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to Congress.

* The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.

* There is no sense going to the city for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.

* No one can afford to be sick anymore. $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.

* If a few idiots want to risk their necks flying across the country, that's fine, but nothing will ever replace trains.

* I don't know about you, but if they raise the price of coffee to 15 cents, I'll just have to drink mine at home.

* If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a haircut, forget it. I'll have my wife learn to cut hair.

* We won't be going out much anymore. Our babysitter informed us she wants 50 cents an hour. Kids think money grows on trees.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Zodiac Signs
AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb 18) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20) - You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have a minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general loser.

ARIES (Mar21-Apr 20) - You are the pioneer type and think most people are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS (Apr 21-May 20) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a communist.

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a penny. Everybody in prison is a Cancer.

LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you're an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving sods and spend most of their lives kissing mirrors.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while having sex. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) - The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect S.O.B.. Most Scorpios are murdered.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarius' are drunks. You are not worth the time of day.

CAPRICORN (Dec22-Jan 19) - You are conservative and are afraid of taking risks. You are basically spineless. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. Become a monk.

Lightningsage
August 23rd, 2006, 01:42 am
Something funny?:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Excuses for being late for...anything!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1) Yeah...there was this dog, and...it kinda...yeah...
2) My girlfriend was home, and it was gettin' interesting.
3) I couldn't find my hat, never leave home.
4) I was playing my GameBoy.
5) I thought you meant 5:00pm mountain time...oh!
6) Poke'mon was on. OMG, Ash dies! (I hate that show...)
7) I set my kitchen on fire while trying to cook something.
8) Who the hell are you anyway?
9) I have a life...duh.
10) I was waiting for my iPod to charge! It takes 1hr, god...
11) I was at Burger King playing in the playroom.
12) Funny story...I was attacked by some Chickens
13) I was on the computer...doing...stuff...
14) I'm on that De Vinci sleeping plan...Yeah, I sleep during the day...
15) It's not my fault, you didn't pick me up!
16) My bad, I was doodling.
17) Me was studing to get meself edumacated...doi.
18) I found something weird in my pants, and I cut it off, it hurt like hell.
19) My mommy says you're a Rapist.
20) Ummm, because I was!

Shibura_Kaze
August 23rd, 2006, 02:27 am
I know many hilarious ones, like this one! (this one has a lot!):sweat:

Ways to Torture the Pizza Guy

1.) Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say, "BedWetter’s Camp, right?"

2.) Add extra letters to words, ex: pizza becomes pizzzzzzzaaaaaaa

3.) After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

4.) Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

5.) Answer their questions with questions.

6.) Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

7.) Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g., If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

8.) Ask for chips/fries with everything!

9.) Ask for extra homo-sapien

10.) Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

11.) Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

12.) Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

13.) Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

14.) Ask if them if they get a free date with one of the staff if you make order over $30.

15.) Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

16.) Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

17.) Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

18.) Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

19.) Ask if you they can put food color in the cheese.

20.) Ask the man/woman if they can sculpt the pizza into your favorite celebrity.

21.) Ask them to not put a band-aid on it this time or you will sue.

22.) Ask to see a menu.

23.) Ask what the order taker is wearing.

24.) Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

25.) Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

26.) backwards pizza your Order

27.) Be vague in your order.

28.) Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

29.) Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

30.)Change your accent every three seconds.

31.) Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

32.) Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."

33.) Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

34.) Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

35.) Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"

36.) Eliminate verbs from your speech.

37.) Engage in some serious swapping.

38.) Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

39.) Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up

40.) Haggle.

41.) Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

42.) Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

43.) If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.

44.) If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

45.) If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

46.) If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

47.) If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

48.) If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

49.) If you live next door or on the same block as the pizza place, ask them to deliver with their pizza truck.

50.) Imitate the order taker's voice.

51.) In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

52.) Keep telling the order taker about the other pizza place you sued last year.

53.) Laugh every minute or two, mention the cat in the microwave!

54.) Learn the topping codes or abbreviations and use them instead of the name (e.g. pp instead of double pepperoni).

55.) Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it

56.) Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

57.) Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

58.) Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

59.) Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

60.) Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.

61.) Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."

62.) Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

63.) Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

64.)Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

65.) Order a one-inch pizza.

66.) Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

67.) Order a steamed pizza.

68.) Order one with ants.

69.) Order term life insurance.

70.) Order the most expensive pizza and have it sent to your boss!

71.) Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

72.) Order using lines from different movies (Luke, I am your "customer"-Darth Vader)

73.) Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

74.) Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

75.) Order your pizza, singing in falseto!

76.) Pass the phone around to everyone in the house -- have each person change the order a little.

77.) Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

78.) Play a sitar in the background.

79.) Pretend that you were trying to call 911 when they tell you you have the wrong # say oh well start to order... In the middle of your order stop and start to panic and yell “IT’S ABOUT TO BLOW” and hang up.

80.) Pretend your flying a jet fighter in the Gulf War while ordering.

81.) Psychoanalyze the order taker.

82.) Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

83.) Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

84.) Put them on hold.

85.) Quote Carl Sandberg.

86.) Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

87.) Rent a pizza.

88.) Repeat every third third word twice

89.) Report a petty theft to the order taker.

90.) Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

91.) Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

92.) Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

93.) Say your order as fast as humanly possible.

94.) Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place? When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place, start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

95.) Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
96.) Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

97.) Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.

98.) Spill out your life story and ask them to they understand, if they say yes, Scream "liars, I don't believe you!" and hang up!

99.) Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

100.) Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"

101.) Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."

102.) State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

103.) St-tt-t-utter, b-b-bb-badly

104.) Stutter on the letter "p."

105.) Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

106.) Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

107.) Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he' fired.
108.) Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

109.) Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

110.) Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

111.) Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

112.) Try to talk while drinking something.

113.) Use CB lingo where applicable.

114.) Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

115.) When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

116.) When ordering a pizza, burst out in tears every 2 minutes

117.) When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"

118.) When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

119.) When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

120.) When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"

121.) When you'ge given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

122.) While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

123.) Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

ME411
August 24th, 2006, 12:40 am
So its gonna be like that huh? :hunter: Let the game begin!

aries_fire
August 24th, 2006, 02:14 am
got this from crazylaws.com there's more some are repeated too just so you know
Alabama
• A 1950 anti-obscenity law in Irondale, Ala., prohibited any showing of anyone nude or "in a substantially nude state" except a babe in arms.
• Anniston: You may not wear blue jeans down Noble Street.
• An ordinance in Linden, Ala., provided that all women of "uncertain chastity" had to be off the streets by 9 p.m.
• Bear wrestling matches are prohibited.
• Boogers may not be flicked into the wind.
• Children of incestuous couples are deemed legitimate.
• Dominoes may not be played on Sunday.
• Hunting is not allowed on Sunday.
• Incestuous marriages are legal.
• It is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while operating a vehicle.
• It is illegal to impersonate a person of the clergy.
• It is illegal to maim oneself to escape duty.
• It is illegal to stab yourself to gain someone's pity.
• It is illegal to wear a fake moustache that causes laughter in church.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way down a one-way street if you have a lantern attached to the front of your automobile.
• It is legal to drive the wrong way on a one way street if you have a lantern on the front of your car.
• It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
• It's against the law for a man to seduce "a chaste woman by means of temptation, deception, arts, flattery or a promise of marriage."
• It's illegal to play dominoes on Sunday.
• Jasper: It is illegal for a husband to beat his wife with a stick larger in diameter than his thumb.
• Lee County: It is illegal to sell peanuts in Lee County after sundown on Wednesday.
• Masks may not be worn in public
• Men may not spit in front of the opposite sex.
• Mobile: It is unlawful to howl at ladies inside the city limits. It is unlawful to wear women's pumps with sharp, high heels.
• Montgomery: It is considered an offense to open an umbrella on a street, for fear of it spooking horses.
• No persons may sell "blow-out nuts".
• Peanuts are not allowed to be sold in Lee County, Alabama after sunset on Wednesdays.
• Pool halls may not be operated between 11:30 PM and 6 AM.
• Putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death.
• Slavery is still legal in Decatur, Alabama.
• The game of crackaloo is illegal in Fairfield, Ala.
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
• Women are able to retain all property they owned prior to marriage in the case of divorce. However, this provision does not apply to men.
• You cannot chain your alligator to a fire hydrant.
• You may not drive barefooted.
• You may not have an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time.
• You must have windshield wipers on your car.

Alaska
• A law in Fairbanks does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
• Even though it is legal to hunt a bear, it is illegal to wake a bear and take a picture for photo opportunities.
• Fairbanks: It is considered an offense to feed alcoholic beverages to a moose.
• In Alaska it is illegal to whisper in someone's ear while they are moose hunting.
• It is considered an offense to push a live moose out of a moving airplane.
• Kangaroos are not allowed in barber shops at any time.
• Moose may not be viewed from an airplane.
• State policy states that emergencies are held to a minimum and rarely found to exist.
• While it is legal to shoot bears, waking a sleeping bear for the purpose of taking a photograph is prohibited.


Arizona
• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
• Any misdemeanor committed while wearing a red mask is considered a felony (This goes back in the days of the Wild West).
• Cards may not be played in the street with a Native American.
• Donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs.
• Due to a typographical error in the Tempe, Ariz., code, a shooting range can be run by the "Amateur Crapshooting Association."
• Glendale: Cars may not be driven in reverse.
• Hayden: If you bother the cottontails or bullfrogs, you will be fined.
• Hunting camels is prohibited.
• In 1985, an Arizona legislator proposed that each candidate for the legislature take a reading and an I.Q. test three months before the election. The scores would have been posted on the ballot, had the bill passed. But a majority of legislators, for whatever reason, voted it down.
• In Arizona it is illegal to take naked photographs before noon on Sunday.
• It is illegal for men and women over the age of 18 to have less than one missing tooth visible when smiling.
• It is illegal to hunt camels in the state of Arizona.
• It is unlawful to refuse a person a glass of water.
• Maricopa County: No more than six girls may live in any house.
• Mesa: It is illegal to smoke cigarettes within 15 feet of a public place unless you have a Class 12 liqueur license.
• Mohave County: A decree declares that anyone caught stealing soap must wash himself with it until it is all used up.
• Nogales: An ordinance prohibits the wearing of suspenders.
• Oral sex is considered to be sodomy.
• Prescott: No one is permitted to ride their horse up the stairs of the county court house.
• There is a possible 25 years in prison for cutting down a cactus.
• Tucson: Women may not wear pants.
• When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person posseses.
• When being attacked by a criminal or burglar, you may only protect yourself with the same weapon that the other person possesses.
• You may not have more than two dildos in a house.

Arkansas
• A law provides that school teachers who bob their hair will not get a raise.
• A man can legally beat his wife, but not more than once a month.
• A voter is only allowed five minutes to mark his ballot.
• Alligators may not be kept in bathtubs.
• An Arkansas legislator not long ago proposed that the state provide growth hormones to dwarfs.
• Arkansas must be pronounced "Arkansaw"
• At Arkansas State University two people cannot hold hands while standing in a doorway unless they belong to a union.
• Fayetteville: It is illegal to kill "any living creature".
• Flirtation between the members of the opposite sex on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term.
• In Arkansas it is illegal to buy or sell blue lightbulbs.
• It's illegal to mispronounce the name of the state of Arkansas in that state.
• Little Rock: Dogs may not bark after 6 PM.; Flirtation between men and women on the streets of Little Rock may result in a 30-day jail term; It is unlawful to walk one's cow down Main Street after 1:00 PM on Sunday; No person shall sound the horn on a vehicle at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9:00 P.M. -Little Rock City Code Sec. 18-54
• The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock.


California
• A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits.
• Alhambra: You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
• Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash.
• Arcadia: Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
• A server in California can be convicted of selling to a minor if the purchaser uses a false or altered ID to buy the alcohol.
• Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• Bathhouses are against the law.
• Belvedere City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
• Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
• Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds; Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor); Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
• California only fairly recently legalized the sale of alcoholic beverages in nudist colonies.
• Car wash attendants in San Francisco, California may not use old pairs of underware to wash or dry vehicles.
• Chico: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
• Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
• Downey: It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
• Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
• In 1838, the city of Los Angeles passed an ordinance requiring that a man obtain a license before serenading a woman.
• In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
• In Berkeley, Calif., you can't whistle for an escaped bird before 7 a.m.
• In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.
• In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
• In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• In California, community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
• In California it is illegal to have caller ID
• In California it's against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices.
• In California you may not set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
• In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery.
• In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
• In Los Angeles, years ago it was legal to cook in your bedroom, but not to sleep in your kitchen.
• In Los Angeles a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.
• In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
• In the 1940's, California law made it illegal to serve alcohol to a gay person.
• In Riverside, California, kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance. (Someone needed to be kissed!)
• In San Francisco it's illegal to play poker in public or gamble in a barricaded room.
• In San Francisco, it's illegal to beat a rug in front of your house.
• In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
• It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
• It is a violation of the California Alcoholic Beverage Control Act for producers of alcohol beverages to list the names of retailers or restaurants that sell their products in advertising or even in newsletters.
• It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
• It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
• It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
• It is illegal to eat an orange in your bath tub
• It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
• It is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
• Lafayette: You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
• Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
• Lompoc: It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
• Long Beach: Cars are the only item allowed in a garage; It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
• Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light.
• Los Angeles: It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent; You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time; You may not hunt moths under a street light; It is illegal to cry on the witness stand; Toads may not be licked; It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church (Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison); Zoot suits are prohibited.
• Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
• Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• No alcohol beverages can be displayed within five feet of a cash register of any store in California that sells both alcohol and motor fuel.
• No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
• Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
• Oakland, Calif., makes it illegal to grow a tree in front of your neighbor's window and block his view. However, you're off the hook if the tree is one that town officials consider an attractive tree, such as a redwood or box elder.
• One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
• Ontario: Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
• Pacific Grove: Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
• Palm Springs: It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
• Pasadena: It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
• Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
• Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
• Redlands: Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
• Riverside: One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
• San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar; The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
• San Francisco has an ordinance prohibiting "cane games." City officials have no idea what cane games are. But when revising city laws recently, officials decided to keep the prohibition on the books, in case someday, somehow, cane games came back, they were deemed improper and the city needed the law.
• San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.
• San Francisco: Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash; It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear; Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street; It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner; Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.
• San Francisco bans any "mechanical device that reproduces obscene language."
• San Francisco prohibits kerchoo powders and stink balls.
• San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
• Santa Monica: You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
• Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
• Temecula: Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
• The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
• The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name "San Francisco." It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year.
• The Santa Monica, Calif., City Council recently proposed that men be allowed to use women's public restrooms when there's a line of three or more at the mens' room, and vice versa.
• Women may not drive in a house coat.
• You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove, Ca. (i like this one ^^)

aries_fire
August 24th, 2006, 02:16 am
some are kind of vulgar........but I can't type all of this at once so I copy and paste w/out going through first.....i'll take out some......not the silly string!!!! no!!!!!!
Colorado
• Car dealers may not show cars on a Sunday.
• Colorado law requires that wine be sold in containers of at least 24 ounces and spirits in containers at least a fifth of a gallon. But, at the same time, it also decrees that no alcohol beverage can be stored in hotel minibars in anything larger than miniature containers.
• Colorado Springs: It is permissible to wear a holstered six-gun within city limits, except on Sunday, Election Day, or holidays.
• Crippe Creek: It is illegal to bring your horse or pack mule above the ground floor of any building.
• Denver: The dog catcher must notify dogs of impounding by posting, for three consecutive days, a notice on a tree in the city park and along a public road running through said park; It is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door neighbor; It is illegal to mistreat rats; You may not drive a black car on Sundays.
• Durango: It is illegal to go in public dressed in clothes "unbecoming" on one's sex.
• Have you ever had the urge to rip the tag from a pillow or mattress, despite the warning of dire penalties? Well, it's perfectly legal now, if you live in Colorado. The Governor formalized the law by gleefully tearing a label from a pillow at his office. "I've been worrying about the mattress inspector jumping through the window for years," he said.
• In Colorado it's now legal to remove the furniture tags that say, "Do Not Remove Under Penalty of Law."
• In Denver, Colorado it is illegal for Barber's to give massages to nude customers unless it is for instructional purposes.
• In Denver, it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next door neighbor.
• It is against the law in Pueblo, Colorado, to raise or permit a dandelion to grow within the city limits.
• It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep in Logan County, Colorado.
• It is illegal for a woman wearing a red dress to be out on the streets after 7 PM.
• It is illegal for liquor stores to sell food or grocery stores to sell any alcohol except beer that is at most 3.2% alcohol.
• It is illegal to ride a horse while under the influence.
• It is illegal to mistreat rats in Denver.
• Logan County: It is illegal for a man to kiss a woman while she is asleep.
• No liquor may be sold on Sundays or election days.
• Pueblo: It is illegal to let a dandelion grow within the city limits.
• Sterling: Cats may not run loose without having been fit with a taillight.
• Tags may be ripped off of pillows and mattresses.

Connecticut
• A local ordinance in Atwoodville, Connecticut prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.
• A pickle is not officially a pickle unless it bounces
• Balloons with advertising on them are illegal in Hartford, Conn.
• Bloomfield, Conn: It's against the law to eat in your car.
• Cattle branding in the United States did not originate in the West. It began in Connecticut in the mid-nineteenth century, when farmers were required by law to mark all their pigs.
• Devon: It is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
• Druggists in Connecticut must pay $400.00 each year for a license in order to use alcohol in compounding prescriptions.
• Guilford: Only white Christmas lights are allowed for display.
• Hartford: You aren't allowed to cross a street while walking on your hands
• In colonial times, Hartford, Conn., had an ordinance that allowed any resident to rent the town chain for 2 pence.
• In Connecticut any dogs with tattoos must be reported to the police.
• In Connecticut it is illegal to pirouette while crossing the street
• In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset.
• In Hartford, Conn., it's illegal to plant a tree in the street.
• In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday.
• In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce.
• In Simsbury, Conn., it's illegal for a politician to campaign at the town dump.
• It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway.
• It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades.
• It's illegal to clam at night in Connecticut.
• New Britain: It is illegal for fire trucks to exceed 25mph, even when going to a fire.
• No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind.
• Southington: Silly string is banned.
• Strangers in Simsbury, Conn., were required, under an ordinance enacted in 1701 and only recently repealed, to leave town within a month unless they had at least 20 shillings to their names.
• The marriage of imbeciles and feeble-minded persons is prohibited.
• This state still retains an old law forbidding any kind of "private sexual behavior between consenting adults."
• Under the Code of 1650 in the New Haven Colony (in what is now Connecticut), a 16-year-old boy could be put to death if he "cursed, struck or disobeyed" his parents or was "stubborn or rebellious."
• Waterbury: It is illegal for any beautician to hum, whistle, or sing while working on a customer.
• You are not allowed to walk across a street on your hands.
• You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.
• You cannot buy any alcohol after 8pm or on Sundays.
• You may not educate dogs.

Delaware
• Delaware prohibits horse racing of any kind on Good Friday and Easter Sunday.
• In Delaware it is illegal to get married on a dare.
• In Delaware you may not sell dead people for money without a license.
• It is illegal to fly over any body of water, unless one is carrying sufficient supplies of food and drink.
• Lewes: It is illegal to wear pants that are "firm fitting" around the waist; Getting married on a dare is grounds for an annulment.

D.C.
• A D.C. federal judge has ruled that begging is a form of free speech protected by the Constitution. That means that mugging is free speech too, only more persuasive.
• In Washington D.C. it is illegal to post a notice in public which calls another person a 'coward' for refusing to accept a challenge to duel.
• It is unlawful for small boys to throw stones, at any time, at any place in the District of Columbia.
• The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
• The U.S. government says it's a crime to give false weather reports.

Florida
• (SARASOTA) It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
• Apparently with an exaggerated idea of the laws of thermal dynamics, the city council of West Palm Beach, Fla., once decreed that the roofs of all outhouses be fireproof.
• A special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
• Big Pine Key: It is illegal to molest a Key deer; If caught one will be fined or will have to go to jail.
• Cape Coral: It is against the city ordinance to hang your clothes outside on a clothesline; It it illegal to park a pick-up truck in your driveway or in front of your house on the street (This law is limited to only those who do not own the house)
• Daytona Beach: The molestation of trash cans is banned; While intoxicated, being under influence of narcotics is prohibited; It shall be unlawful for any person to swim or bathe in that portion of the Atlantic Ocean within the corporate limits of the city when under the influence of intoxicating liquor or narcotic drugs to the extent that his or her normal faculties are impaired;
• Don't plan on using any of the celebratory Champagne bottle sizes known as Methuselahs, Salamanazars, Balthazars or Nebuchadnezzars. These very traditional Champagne bottle sizes are all illegal in Florida.
• Florida deals with its prostitution problem by giving prostitutes spending money, a five-year banishment, and a bus ticket out of town.
• Florida law forbids rats to leave the ships docked in Tampa Bay.
• Florida prohibits topless walking or running within a 150 foot zone between the beach and the street.
• Having sexual relations with a porcupine is illegal.
• Hialeah: Ambling and strolling is a misdemeanor.
• If an elephant is left tied to a parking meter, the parking fee has to be paid just as it would for a vehicle.
• In Florida failure to tell your neighbor his house is on fire is illegal.
• In Florida it is illegal to fish while driving across a bridge.
• In Florida, a special law prohibits unmarried women from parachuting on Sunday or she shall risk arrest, fine, and/or jailing.
• In Florida, men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
• In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays may be jailed.
• In Miami, Florida it is illegal for a man to wear any kind of strapless gown.
• In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.
• In Miami, it's illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
• Miami Shores Village, Fla., has for years required that all goods made in Communist countries and offered for sale in Miami Shores Village be clearly marked as such. The ordinance notes that such goods are often marked in a "false, misleading or inadequate manner, to hide their Communist origins."
• In Sarasota it is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
• In Saratoga, Florida it is illegal to sing while wearing a bathing suit.
• It is considered an offense to shower naked.
• It is illegal to block any traveled wagon road.
• It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday.
• It is illegal to sing in a public place while attired in a swimsuit.
• It is illegal to skateboard without a license.
• It's against a Key West, Fla., ordinance to spit on a church floor.
• It's illegal in Florida for an unmarried man and woman to live together in "open and gross lewdness." Connecticut once had a similar law, but only the woman was penalized.
• Key West: Chickens are considered a 'protected species'.
• Men may not be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown.
• Miami: It is illegal for men to be seen publicly in any kind of strapless gown; No person shall operate a bicycle unless it is equipped with a bell or device capable of giving a signal audible for a distance of at least 100 feet, but no bicycle shall be equipped with, nor shall any person use upon a bicycle, any siren or whistle.
• Penalty for horse theft is death by hanging.
• Pensacola: Citizens may not be caught downtown without at least 10 dollars on their person; It is illegal to roll a barrel on any street, fines go up according to the contents of the barrel; A women can be fined (only after death), for being electrocuted in a bath-tub because of using self-beautification utensils.
• Pinecrest: In order to operate a burglar alarm, a permit must be obtained.
• Sanford Stage: Nudity is banned, with the exception of "bona fide" theatrical performances. Violating this ordinance results in a $100 fine.
• Sarasota: If you hit a pedestrian you are fined $78.00; You may not catch crabs.
• Tampa Bay: It is illegal to eat cottage cheese on Sunday after 6:00 P.M.
• Under a 1959 ordinance, stubborn children were considered vagrants in Jupiter Inlet Colony, Fla.
• Women can be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer. The salon owner can also be fined for this horrible crime.
• Women may be fined for falling asleep under a hair dryer, as can the salon owner.
• You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.
• You may not fart in a public place after 6 P.M. on Thursdays.

Shibura_Kaze
August 24th, 2006, 02:59 am
So its gonna be like that huh? :hunter: Let the game begin!

A game you say? :coolio: I accept your challenge! Whoever finds the best lists wins! *goes off to find more*

Luis
August 24th, 2006, 03:02 am
• In Miami, it is forbidden to imitate an animal.
• It is illegal to fart in a public place after 6:00pm on a Thursday.
• You are not allowed to break more than three dishes per day, or chip the edges of more than four cups and/or saucers.

Wow....I could be in jail right now....

Shibura_Kaze
August 24th, 2006, 04:29 am
How to Annoy People on an Airplane

1.) Act like a movie star.

2.) Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Tom Cruise or Madonna (This best when the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)

3.) Ask the guy next to you to hold your dentures (senior citizens only)
Ask the person next to you, "Are you in the Witness Protection program too?"

4.) Attempt to promote Hinduism among passengers

5.) Bring a "Word-a-Day" calendar on board with you. Read every single word aloud and attempt to use it in a sentence. Use them all incorrectly. "My, you have a very irate home,' she said governessly."

6.) Bring a cellular phone. Call God. Say, "The reception is much clearer up here...."

7.) Bring a duffel bag packed with pipe cleaners, styrofoam balls, construction paper, etc. Organize a "Kraft Korner". Make a craft likeness of the person sitting next to you. Give yourself an "F".

8.) Bring a microphone and act like Frank Sinatra

9.) Bring your computer keyboard without a monitor. Place it on your lap. Stare into the palm of your hand. Wait. Push the return key a few times. Yell out "Yes! Alright! I told them I didn't need a laptop!" Plug the headphones into your nostril and play Doom.

10.) Call the stewardess "nurse".

11.) Continually offer to share your "Beano".

12.) Decorate. Bring a scatter rug and tiny draperies. Hang a "Home Sweet Home" plaque on the back of the seat in front of you. Invite your fellow passengers in for tea.

13.) Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you

14.) Disco dance in the aisle

15.) Don't use deoderant, then "accidently" stick your armpit in someone's face

16.) During the inflight movie, ask to share headphones with someone

17.) During the meal, loudly explain that on time you ate shark fin soup and proceeded to puke all over the airplane, spewing chunks of shark on the other passengers

18.) Explain how, one time, the plane was crashing and the oxygen masks didn't come out, 'cause they aren't really reliable, and that if the plane was to crash, everyone would die

19.) Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it

20.) Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar

21.) Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang

22.) Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't"

23.) Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.

24.) Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!"

25.) Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do the call it the COCKpit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world

26.) Go up to someone and ask loudly if they wouldn't mind applying Preporation H to your hemrrhoids.

27.) Hum the Monty Python theme song.

28.) If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.

29.) Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!"

30.) Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.

31.) Lead a revolt against the first class passengers.

32.) Lean back in your seat, fold your arms behind your head and exclaim, "Thank God for auto-pilot, eh?"

33.) Mess up your hair, untuck your shirt, basically look crude, and mingle with a first class guy as if you were long-lost friends

34.) Moon passing Delta planes.

35.) No matter what the meal choices are, demand rice-a-roni.

36.) Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.

37.) Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.

38.) Pretend you're flying the plane.

39.) Put on a ten foot diameter sombrero and slouch in your seat, whacking everyone on the head.

40.) Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put superglue in your undies that morning.

41.) Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!"

42.) Say, "Did you know every time a plane crashes, an angel gets its wings?" Then sigh and stare dreamily into the clouds.

43.) Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.

44.) Scream and dive under your seat for no apparent reason.

45.) Show off your Batman underwear.

46.) Sing along with the songs on your Walkman.

46.) Snap Polaroids of him or her. Pull out an empty photo album and arrange the pictures inside it. Tuck the album under your jacket and say, "You know, in some cultures they believe that when you take a person's photograph...you own their soul...," while smiling maniacally.

47.) Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it

48.) Snort when you laugh

49.) Speak in Spelling Bee-eese: "Hello. H-e-l-l-o. Hello. Nice weather we're having isn't it? Weather. W-e-a-t-h-e-r. Weather."

50.) Spill soda "Accidentally" on the person next to you.

51.) Sport a kamikaze helmet and goggles. Speak in a low voice into a hand held tape recorder: "Today's date, December 7th, 1941. I was not able to command my own personal plane but success shall still be ours...."

52.) Start a hot dog stand.

53.) Start singing the Shari Lewis theme, "This is the song that never ends, it just goes on and on my friends, some people started singing it not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because, this is the song that never ends...." Suddenly realize that you can never stop singing. Become very panicky. Scrawl "Help me" on a piece of paper and hand it to the person sitting next to you. Claw at your throat and thrash around in the seat. Never stop singing.

54.) Steal a businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it.

55.) Suddenly remember that you left your iron on. Ask if the pilot would mind going back so you can check.

56.) Switch accents and see if anyone notices.

57.) Tap at the windows, saying "Looks pretty tough" then ask somone if they have a bat you could use to test.

58.) Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.

59.) Wear a hairpiece and switch it often, seeing if anyone notices

60.) Tell the person next to you your life story, from DNA to that afternoon

61.) Tell your fellow passenger that you just heard the bathrooms were out-of-order. Then pause and say, "Did you know that peanuts are a natural diuretic?" Smile.

62.) Try to lead plane in song "Oh I wish I was an Oscar Myer Weiner"

63.) When there's any nudity, say "Hey! He/she must be real cold!"

64.) When they ask something, pretend that you don't know and you have to go ask someone else. Repeat wtih every question. (ie., "How are you today?" "How can I help you," "what would you like to order")

65.) When two people kiss in the film, belch real loud.

66.) Whip out your kazoo and give first class a special entertainment show.

67.) With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Nevermind. Do you have any towels?"

68.) With a fellow passenger, Re-enact the disco scene in "Airplane!"

69.) With the person next to you, discuss cannabilism among airline crash passengers on deserted islands.

70.) Yell out, "John Lithgow is on the wing!"

Luis
August 24th, 2006, 11:38 am
You're a 90's kid if:


U remember watching Doug, Ren & Stimpy, Pinky and the Brain , and Two Stupid Dogs.

You've ever ended a sentence with the word "PSYCHE!

You just cant resist finishing this... "Iiiiiiin west philladelphia born and raised..."

You remember TGIF on ABC. Step by Step, Family Matters, Dinosaurs, and Boy Meets World.

You remember when, 2Pac and Selena died.

You remember when it was actually worth getting up early
on a Saturday to watch cartoons.


You got super excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

You remember reading "Goosebumps"

You took plastic cartoon lunch boxes to school.

You remember the craze, then the banning of slap bracelets and slam books.

You still get the urge to say "NOT" after (almost) every sentence...Not...

You used to listen to the radio all day long just to record "Your FAVORITE song of ALL time"

Where in the world is Carmen San Diego? was both a game and a TV game show.

Captain Planet. He's a Hero.

You knew that Kimberly, the pink ranger, and Tommy, the green Ranger were meant to be together.

You remember when super nintendo's and Sega Genisis became popular.

You always wanted to send in a tape to America's Funniest Home Videos... but never taped anything funny. (i did have a tape i just didn't want to send it in)

You remember watching home alone 1, 2 , and 3........and tried to pull the pranks on "intruders"

You remember watching The Magic School Bus, Wishbone, and Reading Rainbow on PBS.

You remember when Yomega Yo-Yos were cool.

You remember those Where's Waldo books..

You remember when Mortal Kombat wuz tha shit!

U remember eating Warheads.(those sour candys)

You remember watching the 1st Batman, Aladin, Ninja Turtles, and 3 Ninjas movies.

U remember Ring Pops.

U remember drinkin' Fruitopia and Surge.

if you rememeber when every thing was "da BOMB"

when they made the new lunchables so that you could make tacos and pizza!!

You remember boom boxes vs. cd players

Writing M.A.S.H. notes. (and the twenty different versions of that)

Making those little paper fortune cookie things.. and then predicting your life with them.

You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell"

You played and/or collected "Pogs"

You had at least one Tamagotchi, GigaPet or Nano and brought it everywhere

You haven't always had a computer, and it was cool to have the internet.

You watched the original cartoons of Rugrats, Power Rangers,and Ninja Turtles.

You had a favorite New Kid on the block, and you knew all of there names

yikes pencils and erasers were the stuff!

All your school supplies were "Lisa Frank" brand.(pencils.notebooks.binders.etc.)

You remember when the new Beanie Babies and talking Elmo were always sold out.

You collected those Beanie Babies.

You remember a time before the WB.

You collected all the Troll dolls

You owned a portable tape player.

If you even know what an original walkman is.

You remember wanting to sit on the orange Nickelodeon couch.

You've gotten creeped out by "Are You Afraid of the Dark?"

You know the Macarena by heart.

You remember "American Gladiators" and watched it like a religion.

"Talk to the hand" ... enough said.

You always said, "Then why don't you marry it!"

You know the significance of the number 23.

You went to McD's to play in the playplace.

You remember playing on merry go rounds...at the play ground.



When we were younger:

Before the MySpace frenzy...

Before the Internet & text messaging...

Before Sidekicks & iPods...

Before MIKE JONES...

Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX...

Before Sponge Bob
...Back when you put off the 5 hours of homework you had every night.

When light up sneakers were cool.

When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.

When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.

When we recorded stuff on VCRs .

When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.

When 2Pac and Biggie where alive.

When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.

Way back.

when it was all about N64


WHEN MAKING OUT WAS HAVING SEX

WHEN YOU TRADED POKEMON CARDS FOR A LIVING

Before we realized all this would eventually disappear

Who would have thought you'd miss the 90's so much!!!!!
Woah, that brought back memories. I didnt know all of em tho :\
Dude now I want a lunchables....and Captain planet still rocks....and waldo is still lost.

Shibura_Kaze
August 25th, 2006, 12:31 am
How to Annoy Your Driver

1.) All passengers should pretend to have their own brake pedal.

2.) Always grab the dashboard or doorhandle and yell "Whoa!"

3.) Always tell the driver to slow down or speed up.

4.) As a passenger, feel free to take your shoes off and smell up the whole car.

5.) Constantly remind the driver of road conditions.

6.) Every time you see a car do something that ticks you off, ask everyone in the car with you if it is included it on the "How to drive like a Moron" webpage.

7.) Every time you see a car pulling out, yell to the driver "Watch it!"

8.) Grab the steering wheel if you feel the driver can not deal with a traffic situation.

9.) If there is a mirror on the passenger side door, it's there for the passenger. Feel free to adjust it at will.

10.) Make sure that you put your chewed bubble gum into the ashtray, unwrapped.

11.) No matter what lane the driver is in and where you are going, always tell the driver that we would be better off in the next lane.

12.) Point to the left and tell the driver to make a right.

13.) Point to the right and tell the driver to make a left.

14.) When at a traffic light, inform the driver the millisecond the light turns green.

15.) When being picked up as a passenger, bring a messy powdered sugar donut and a large uncovered cup of coffee. Then, complain whenever the driver hits a bump in the road.

16.) When directing the driver to make a left turn, tell him to make a "You-turn". When directing the driver to make right turn, tell him to make a "Me-turn".

17.) When giving directions, tell the driver to turn after you pass the intersection.

18.) When giving the driver directions, always mean to say one thing and tell the driver another. Then when the driver gets confused and passes a turn, yell.

19.) When in the middle lane in heavy traffic, tell the driver that you really need to be in the right lane. Then when you finally cut another car off to be in the right lane, tell the driver you made a mistake and that this lane is going to end.

20.) When riding with other passengers, always jump in the front passenger seat and yell "Shotgun!"

21.) When traveling straight, tell the driver to get into the left lane. A lane that suddenly becomes a "left-lane-must-turn-left".

22.) Whenever possible, adjust all the dashboard controls, including the radio, heat, and fan.

23.) Whenever the driver parks, get out and inspect whether or not the car is properly parked within the lines.

How to Annoy Your Parents/ What to do When You're Bored

1.) Paint your windows.

2.) Boil ice cream.

3.) Join Hell's Angels by mail.

4.) Redecorate your garage.

5.) Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids.

6.) Bury your fathers car. Tell your him the dog did it.

7.) Challenge the neighbor kid to duel.

8.) Climb a sidewalk.

9.) Donate your brother's/sister's body to science.

10.) Have your cat bronzed.

11.) Hot wax the bottoms of your brother's dress shoes.

12.) Learn to type...with your toes.

13.) Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins.

14.) Mow your carpet.

15.) Paint your home...day-glo orange.

16.) Pinstripe your driveway.

17.) Plant a shoe.

18.) Play Houdini with one of your siblings.

19.) Plot the overthrow of your local School Board.

20.) Pour instant concrete in your brothers waterbed.

21.) Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets.

22.) Rake your carpet (to clean up the clippings.)

23.) Ride a loaf of bread.

24.) See if you really can build a small nuclear device in your basement.

25.) Speak in acronyms.

26.) Take apart all your major kitchen appliances. Mix and match the parts.

27.) Take your sofa for a walk.

28.) Turn your TV picture tube upside down.

29.) Wax the ceiling.

30.) Vaccuum the walls.

Lightningsage
August 25th, 2006, 01:13 am
25.) Speak in acronyms.

I've done this one, IT WORKS.

ME411
August 25th, 2006, 01:35 am
You are a day late and a dollar short.
Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?
Do you still love nature, despite what it did to you?
He is living proof that man can live without a brain!
If you spoke your mind, you'd be speechless.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be stupid.
Is your name Maple Syrup? It should be, you sap.
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.
One more wrinkle and you'd pass for a prune.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
Whatever is eating you -- must be suffering horribly.
You are so dull, you can't even cut a fart.
You are so dumb, you stand on a chair to raise your IQ.
You are so old, even your memory is in black and white.
You are very smart. You have brains you never used.
You got more issues than National Geographic!
You must have a very large brain, to hold so much ignorance.

You are a black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
You are a couple of slates short of a full roof.
You are a couplet short of a sonnet.
You are a cup and saucer short of a place setting.
You are a deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
You are a few beads short in her rosary.
You are a half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.
A mud pack is good for the complexion. I suggest you leave it on.
A rejection letter from MENSA wouldn't be to much of a surprise for you now, would it?
A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen mind.
After hearing you talk, I now know that the dead do contact us.
All day I thought of you...I was at the zoo.
All of your ancestors must number in the millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame for producing you.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice.
Are you always this stupid or are you making a special effort today?
Are you always an idiot, or just when I'm around?
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?
Boy if my dog were that ugly I would shave his ass and make him walk backwards.
Brains aren't everything. In fact in your case they're nothing.
By the way, the zoo called, the babboons want their buts backs so you'll have to find a new face.
Can I borrow your head for my rock garden?!
Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all the stupid people.
Do you want me to accept you as you are, or do you want me to like you?
Don't let your mind wander - it're far too small to be let out on its own.
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling - in your skull?
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Don't you realize that there are enough people to hate in the world already without your working so hard to give us another?
Dont be ignorant all your life, take a day off why dont you?
Ever since I saw you in your family tree, I've wanted to cut it down.
For two cents, I`d give you a piece of my mind -- and all of yours.
Have you been shopping lately?...They are selling lives at the mall...you should get one
Have you considered suing your brains for non-support?
He has a mind like a steel trap - always closed!
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a blueprint to build an idiot.
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
Hello -- tall, dark and obnoxious!
Hey, act your age -- senile!
Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.
Hi there, I'm a human being! What are you?
How did you get here? Did someone leave your cage open?
I admire you because I've never had the courage it takes to be a liar, a thief, and a cheat.
I always wanted to be a trouble-shooter, but now I see you are not worth it!
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.
I can see why You are often lost in thought - it's an unfamiliar territory.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it really works!
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you don't mind that I'm not listening.
I don't think you are a fool. But then, what's my own humble opinion against thousands of others?
I fart to make you smell better.
I feel sorry for you because you are so homely, but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to look at you.
I guess you prove that even god makes mistakes sometimes.
I hear that when your mother first saw you, she decided to leave you on the front steps of a police station while she turned herself in.
I hear that when you were a child your mother wanted to hire someone to take care of you, but the Mafia wanted too much.
I hear the only place You are ever invited is outside.
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive club because they need someone to snub.
I hear you are connected to the Police Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.
I hear you are very kind to animals, so please give that face back to the gorilla.
I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the diaper?
I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the litter?
I heard that they tried to take an X-ray picture of your jaw, but all they got was a moving picture.
I heard that you were a Ladykiller. They take one look at you and die of shock.
I heard that you were born, your father threw rocks at the stork.
I heard that you went to the haunted house and they offered you a job.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain rejected you!
I heard you spend your spare time chasing carriages and eating Alpo.
I heard you went to have your head examined, but the doctors found nothing there.
I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office.
I heard you went to a freak show and got in FREE!
I heard your parents took you to a dog show and you won.
I hope you never get a tetanus shot; maybe you'll windup with lockjaw.
I know one should judge a man by what he really is instead of by appearances, but you are REALLY ugly.
I know you are nobody's fool, but maybe someone will adopt you.
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
I love what you've done with your hair. How did you get it to come out of one nostril like that?
I may be fat but you are ugly, and I can lose weight.
I refuse to engage in a battle of wits, as I will not take advantage of the handicapped.
I reprimanded my brother for mimicking you. I told him not to act like a fool.
I researched your entire family tree and it seems you were the sap.
I see that you set this time aside to humiliate yourself.
I think Mother Nature really hates you because you remind her so much of all her mistakes!
I think you should live for the moment. But after that, I doubt I'll think so.
I understand you have Van Gogh's ear for music.
I used to think that you were a big pain in the neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
I wish your charm could be bottled--then a cork could be put in it.
I would ask you how old you are, but I know you can't count that high.
I would like the pleasure of your company, but it only gives me displeasure.
I would love to beat you up, but I have a problem with cruelty to dumb animals.
I would say that you are barking up the wrong tree, but that is your natural voice.
I'd get more pleasure from running my nostrils down a cactus than being with you.
I'd like to break the monotony; where's your weakest point?
I'd like to leave you with one thought...but I'm not sure you have anywhere to put it!
I'd like to see things from your point of view but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass.
I'd smack the crap out of you if I didn't think it would fill up the room
I'll hit you so hard by the time you come down, you'll need a passport and plane ticket back
I'll hit you so hard you 'll have to take off your shoes to shit!
I'll hit you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants to say hi!
I'll hit you so hard your kids will be born dizzy!
I'll hit you so hard your wife will fall!
I'll never forget the first time we met -- although, I'll keep trying.
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other time?
I'm looking forward to the pleasure of your company since I haven't had it yet.
I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.
If art imitates life, you'd be a black velvet painting.
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport
If brains were wind, you would not have enough to blow your nose.
If I could afford the wood, I'd have your mouth boarded up.
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If I said anything to you that I should be sorry for, I'm glad.
If I told you that I have a piece of dirt in my eye, would you move?
If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say hello, I'd say boo!
If ignorance is bliss, you must be the happiest person on earth.
If Moses had seen your face, there would have been another commandment.
If ugly were a crime, you'd get a life sentence.
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.
If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner's luck!
If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more than a penny.
If you got any more stupid, you'd have to be watered twice a week.
If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.
If your brain was chocolate it wouldn't fill an M&M.
If your conscience could be surgically removed, it would be a minor operation.
In the dictionary under the word, "stupid," it says, "see him."
Is that your face--or are you breaking it in for a bulldog?
Is that your nose or did you inhale a cantaloupe?
Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.
Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent.
Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you be yourself.
Lets play house. You be the door and I'll slam you.
Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palm reader; I know you've got a palm.
Looking at you, I realize what a waste of skin you are.
Many people are to blame for producing you.
Moonlight becomes you -- total darkness even more!
No one should be punished for accident of birth, but you look too much like a wreck not to be.
No, a polygon is not a dead parrot.
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave goodbye.
Our friendship is like that of a dog to a fire hydrant.
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn.
People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
People clap when they see you -- their hands over their eyes or ears.
People have every right to be ugly, but you abuse the privilege!
People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say that you are not perfect, but you are doing alright.
Please sit down and take a mess off your feet.
Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.
You are so was so ugly they used to push your face into dough to make gorilla cookies
You are so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock!
You are so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper!
Shock me, say something intelligent.
Sit down and give your mind a rest.
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself -- and wish that you hadn't.
Some people are has-beens. You are a never-was.
Some people have called you a wit... They're half right !
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.
Someone took a photo of you once, but it didn't turn out. You could be seen too clearly.
Sure, I've seen people like you before - but I had to pay an admission...
Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.
This is no battle of wits between you and me. I never pick on somebody who is unarmed.
Thank you, we're all challenged by your unique point of view.
The biggest no-talent I ever worked with.
The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
The last time I saw a face like yours I threw it a fish!
The mind reader had a very busy day today reading minds. You were a vacation for him.
The stupid person's idea of a clever person.
The thing that terrifies me the most is that someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.
There are several people in this world that I find obnoxious and you are all of them.
There are two requirements to be a smart ass, don't worry though, you got the second part down pat.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
There was something about you that I liked, but you spent it.
There's two things I really hate about you: your face!
They just invented a new coffin just for you that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the neck up.
They say opposites attract. I hope you meet someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.
They say Will Rogers never met a man he didn't like, obviously he never met you.
Waiting for you to say something intelligent is like putting a candle in the window for Jimmy Hoffa.
Was it hard learning to be so ugly or were you a quick study?
We all spring from apes, but you didn't spring far enough.
We can always tell when you are lying. Your lips move.
We do not complain about your shortcomings, but about your long sayings.
We heard that when you ran away from home your folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will be forgiven".
We know that romance brings out the beast in you -- the jackass.
We know that you would go to the end of the world for us. But would you stay there?
We know that you would give your life for us. Promise!
We know you could not live without us. We'll pay for the funeral.
We think of you when we are lonely. Then we are content to be alone.
Well I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too much.
What are you going to do for a face when the babboon wants his ass back?
What's the latest dope -- besides you?
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
When god was handing out brains, you must have been holding the door.
When I want you're opinion, I'll rattle your cage!
When it comes to I.Q. points, you lose them every time you go to the bathroom.
When they made you, they broke the mold---and beat the mold maker.
When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral, but I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in business before pleasure.
When you get to the men`s room, you will see a sign that says, "Gentlemen." Pay no heed to it. Go right on in.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
When you pass away and people ask me what the cause of your death was, I'll say it was your stupidity.
When you talk, other people get hoarse just listening.
When you was born the doctor slapped your mother.
Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's your name?
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
Why don't you go to the library and brush up on your ignorance?
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like a coma.
Would you like to replace my business partner who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the undertaker.
You are not the worst person in the world, but until one worse comes along, you'll do.
You are not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure that what you tell me are lies!
You are so dumb, your fingers and toes are numbered.
You are so dumb, you need a cue card to say "Huh?"
You are so dumb, you need instructions on how to use a rocking chair.
You are so dumb, you planted a dogwood tree and expected a litter of puppies.
You are so dumb, you play solitaire...for cash.
You are so old, if you to acted your age, you'd die.
You are so old, the candles on your birthday cake raised earths temperature by 3 degrees.
You are so old, when you were a kid rainbows were black and white.
You are so old, you fart dust.
You are so old, you sat next to Jesus in school.
You are so old, you walked into an antique shop and they sold you.
You are so old, your birth-certificate expired.
You are so stupid, you'd trip over a cordless phone.
You are so stupid that if I gave you a penny for your intelligence, I'd get change back.
You are so stupid you got hit by a parked car.
You are so stupid, even stupid people think You are slow!
You are so stupid, If you had a brain you'd take it out and play with it.
You are so stupid, when you dropped acid the car battery fell on your foot.
You are so stupid, when you heard 90% of all crimes occur around the home, you went out.
You are the reason God created the middle finger.
You have the face of a saint. Saint Bernard, that is.
You have the intellegence of a bucket of rocks.
You have the shape of a stocking filled with dung.
You have the warm personal charm of a millipede.
You know what happens when you assume? You make an ASS out of U and ME
You know, I do understand you. I have a way with dumb animals.
You look like you just escaped from planet of the apes.
You look like you've been pulled backward through a knothole.
You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can be as stupid as you in one lifetime.
You may be a beauiful person on the inside, too bad you were born on the outside!
You must be from the shallow end of the gene pool.
You must be the arithmetic man -- you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance.
You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.
You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the cage this morning.
You never strike out blindly; you fail in the light.
You perplex me--usually someone with your limited physical appeal makes up for it with a REAL personality.
You remind me of the ocean -- you make me sick.
You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.
You remind me of opium, a slow working dope.
You say that you are always bright and early. Well, OK!! We know you are early.
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll find one.
Your face is a waste of molecules.
Your family tree is nothing but a rest stop for dogs.
Your house is so nasty, I tripped over a rat, and a cockroach stole my wallet.
Your house is so dirty you have to wipe your feet before you go outside.
Your mouth is getting too big for your muzzle.
Your mouth is so big, you could suck an egg from a chicken.
Yours was an unnatural birth; you came from a human being.

Shibura_Kaze
August 26th, 2006, 12:28 am
How to Annoy Your Roommate Part 1 (there was too much to put in just one post)

1.) Administer last rites as s/he sleeps.

2.) Adopt an iguana. Collect the skin peelings. Give them to your roommate as a peace offering from Peter (the iguana).

3.) Always flush the toilet three times.

4.) Announce everything you do as a group activity. (i.e. "We're going to bed now.") If your roommate fails to do whatever you said, accuse him/her of not being a "team player."

5.) Announce on the answering machine that your roommate has moved out. Tell anyone who calls for him/her not to call here anymore.

6.) Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Set one aside from the rest. Laugh hysterically at the one toothbrush. When your roommate asks about it, refuse to discuss the situation.

7.) Arrange your pillows and blankets every night to make it look like you are asleep. Do this for three weeks. Buy a cantaloupe and a knife. Stick the knife in the cantaloupe. Lay it on the pillow where your head should be.

8.) As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.

9.) Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night. If s/he agrees, ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.

10.) Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

11.) Ask your roommate to pose for a portrait. Leave.

12.) Become a mime. Nothing is more annoying than a mime.

13.) Become a secret agent for a week. Eat every piece of paper after reading it. Speak into your lapel. Accuse your roommate of stealing the secret plans to the world's greatest battlestation. Carry a gun.

14.) Become a Trekkie. Talk to your communicator. Tell Scottie to beam you up and run quickly from the room. If your roommate asks, tell him/her "Dammit, Jim, I'm just a doctor!"

15.) Become your own twin brother and tell your roommate that you and your brother never appear in the same place at once. Tell your roommate the same thing again after leaving and coming back into the room.

16.) Begin to accumulate a used gum ball. Weigh it every day. Accuse your roommate of stealing gum.

17.) Borrow your roommate's clothes. Offer to wash them, then act like they were yours all along.

18.) Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that s/he needs bowling shoes.

19.) Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.

20.) Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? S/he won't be here much longer."

21.) Bring several dogs to your room. Hold conversations with them whenever your roommate comes in. If s/he complains, tell him/her s/he is being prejudiced on the basis of your friends' species. Call him/her a bigot.

22.) Build a fort out of beer cans. Refuse to come out until you are granted audience with Zontar, High Lord of Saria 3.

23.) Build a snowman out of big balls of toilet paper. Throw water on it and begin to cry that the snowman is melting.

24.) Build a snowperson with your roommate and place a hat on its head. When it doesn't come to life, cry hysterically, "It didn't work!"

25.) Build an antfarm. Let your ants have "jailbreaks". Then ask your roommate to help you hunt down all the renegade ants.

26.) Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
Burn candles at night. Yell at your roommate if s/he turns on any light and claim that they'll scare "your friends" away.

27.) Burn incense.

28.) Buy a bunch of T-shirts with flamboyant designs. Wear them inside out. Look in the mirror often and say, "This looked so much better in the store..."

29.) Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.

30.) Buy a copy of Helter Skelter or Silence of the Lambs or any equally gruesomely titled book. Sit in a room with your roommate and read the book (or pretend to) with a highlighter mumbling, "That looks good..." as you highlight passages in the book.

31.) Buy a gerbil. Go into your room and close the door. Hide the gerbil in the closet, and then giggle and squirm uncontrollably for the rest of the day.

32.) Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a Band-Aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.

33.) Buy a jack-in-the-box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

34.) Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.

35.) Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said 'hi.'"

36.) Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.

37.) Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

38.) Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

39.) Buy a snake. Give it free reign of the room.

40.) Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.

41.) Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.

42.) Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.

43.) Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

44.) Buy copies of Playgirl if you are male, or Playboy if you are female. Read the magazine very slowly. If your roommate comments, grin and say, "I bought it for the articles."

45.) Buy forty two-liter bottles of generic soda. Dump out one bottle. Every time you drink a bottle, piss in the empty one. Do so until you have thirty-nine bottles of urine. Complain to your roommate that generic soda tastes awful.

46.) Buy Lay's potato chips with all your money. Stack the bags in the middle of the room in a pyramid. Eat them whenever your roommate is in the room. For every one you eat, offer your roommate one, each time telling him, "No one can eat just one."

47.) Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.

48.) Buy seven different colored yo-yo's. Practice with them seven hours a day, alternating yo-yo's on the hour.

49.) Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."

50.) Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.

51.) Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

52.) Call him/her Mommy.

53.) Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.

54.) Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him/her "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."

55.) Carry a crowbar with you at all times. Dress it.

56.) Carry a pair of walkie-talkies with you at all times. Insist that s/he use one when ever s/he wants to talk to you.

57.) Carry an electric fan at all times. Speak into it.

58.) Carve a jack-o'lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks s/he has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o'lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.

59.) Carve a large phallus. Pray to it daily.

60.) Carve grotesque, morbid, and/or erotic pictures into your bedframe with a butcher knife.

61.) Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

62.) Challenge your roommate to a duel. If s/he refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that s/he remove all of his/her possessions immediately.

63.) Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless s/he says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

64.) Chase your roommate with a bloody toothbrush. Tell him/her "It only hurts for a little while."

65.) Claim you were a Christmas tree in your former life. If s/he tries to bring one into the room, scream bloody murder and trash on the floor.

66.) Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If s/he walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.

67.) Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.

68.) Collect all your urine in a small jug.

69.) Collect Chia Pets.

70.) Collect cow tongues. Paint them. Nail them up next to the bacon.

71.) Collect dog poop in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

72.) Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room.

73.) Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

74.) Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."

75.) Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He/She just didn't belong."

76.)Come home at three in the morning wearing shredded jeans and no shirt. Dive into the room and under your bed. Tell your roommate that you were being held captive by ten Mesopotamian foot soldiers in full battle array.

77.) Communicate using only your eyebrows and tongue.

78.) Complain about your menstral cramps. Loudly. This works best, of course, if you happen to be male.

79.) Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver, and pretend to "fix" them.

80.) Complain vehemently that pedophilia legislation is "too restrictive."

81.) Compose an obituary for your roommate. Keep it posted in a conspicuous place and update it frequently. Report the date of death as one week before the end of the semester.

82.) Constantly ask your roommate, "Do you feel lucky?" while fingering a bulge under your jacket.

83.) Constantly slip and fall on your carpet.

84.) Count down the days till the next full moon. Whenever you cross out another day, get a wild look in your eyes and mutter, "Soon...so very soon..."

85.) Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.

86.) Create an animal cemetery in your floor. Hold memorial services. If your roommate complains, tell him/her that s/he has no respect for the dead.

87.) Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.

88.) Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.

89.) Cry a lot.

90.) Cut the faces out of all your pictures.

91.) Dance around the room with underwear on your head while listening to old Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass records. If your roommate questions you, throw a pair on his/her head and TANGO!!!

92.) Develop ESP. Answer all of your roommate's questions before s/he asks them.

93.) Develop Multiple Personality Disorder. Use your other selves to act out Shakespearean tragedies.

94.) Develop partial amnesia each time you go to sleep. When you wake up, claim to have forgotten anything regarding your roommate. Spend hours finding out everything about him/her, and just before you go to bed, say you think you and s/he will be great friends. When you wake up, claim to have forgotten anything regarding your roommate...

95.) Do all your homework in the bathroom, using the toilet as a desk.

96.) Do impressions all the time. Good ones to try: Mr. T, Gilbert Gottfried, Judy Tenuta, Roseanne Barr.

97.) Don't ever flush.

98.) Don't shower for three weeks. Complain often about the stench.

99.) Demand that your roommate do his/her laundry.

100.) Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If s/he asks about it again, immediately change the subject.

101.) Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."

102.) Dress as similarly as possible like your roommate. Walk closely next to him/her the whole day, remarking "Don't we look like twins?" to any passersby.

103.) Dress in drag.

104.) Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If s/he refuses, insist that s/he do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."

105.) Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.

106.) Drink a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.

107.) Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.

108.) Dye all your underwear lime green.

109.) Eat a bag of marshmallows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whipped cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.

110.) Eat glass.

111.) Eat jewelry. Accessorize food.

112.) Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.

113.) Eat lots of alphabet soup. Throw out any of the letters that are in your roommate's name; claim you want nothing to do with them.

114.) Eat moths.

115.) Eat raw pasta for dinner.

116.) Every hour on the hour, call to get the time. Reset each of your clocks to the second. Remark that your roommate has no respect for the
virtue of being prompt.

117.) Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When s/he brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If s/he ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds, until s/he does so.

118.) Every now and then start twitching violently and scream "Snakes, snakes!"

119.) Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.

ME411
August 26th, 2006, 12:52 am
Did I read that sign correctly?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle). We all need a good laugh.

Lightningsage
August 26th, 2006, 01:00 am
Ways to annoy your parents
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1.) Burn a cinnamon roll in the microwave (I've done this, IT WORKS.)
2.) Act like a thug
3.) Sleep in on a school day
4.) Eat all the ice cream
5.) Talk non-stop
6.) Make loud noises with your instrement (If you have one.)
7.) Yell out weird words, in a weird tone of voice
8.) Say "I like chicken", ALOT.
9.) Watch episodes of The Crypt Keeper
10.) Grunt
11.) Make 'Fart' noises (This is if you are still a kid, no problem with that though.)
12.) Speak in Instant Messager and Online forum talk (LOL or OMG)
13.) Get one of those horns that people use in the military, and blow it all day
14.) Talk loudly
15.) Sneak up on them
16.) Act like a retard
17.) Say, "400!", ALOT
18.) Act completely RANDOM

ME411
August 26th, 2006, 01:11 am
ive done 3,5, and 7!

Can you slam a revolving door?
How young can you be, but still die of old age?
What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?
Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?
What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?
Can you read a picture book?
Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!
If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?
if you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?
What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8?
What shape is the sky?
If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?
Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?
What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?
Why are dandelions considered weeds when daisies are considered flowers?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
Whenever an adult is kidnapped why isn't it called adultnapped??
Why do blacklights look purple?
Did Yankee Doodle name the feather, hat, town, or his pony Macaroni?
Why is it that people duck in the rain, do they really think the rain won't hit them?
How come the Bible is the most stolen book, and one of the ten comandments is "thou shall not steal"?
Why isn't the caps lock capitalized?
If there's a hole straight through the earth, from the south pole to the north pole, and you jump through it what would happen? would you keep falling forever, or fall back down when you get to the middle, or is it physically impossible?
If someone with a nostril ring takes it out, then blows their nose, do they have to cover that hole as well as their nostril holes so that snot does'nt blow out everywere?
Isn't it weird that if you rearange the word "teacher" you get "cheater"?
How come whenever you start to sing, you automatically sing in a higher voice than you talk?
How come people say they ate the last piece of gum, when they really just chew it?
If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap?
You know the saying "throw ya hands in the air like ya don't care"? why bother doing that if you dont care?
Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?
If "Fantasy Island" really granted wishes, why wasn't Tattoo 6'6" ?
Why do water bottles have a "best if used by" date?
If you called the police station to talk to an officer and he was not there, would that be considered a cop out?
Can bald people get a hair line fracture?
Why do they put holes in crackers?
How come on TV the bell always rings and then the kids go to class, but in real life you need to be in class before the bell rings?
Why can the saying "it's all downhill from here." mean both that it will be easy and that it is going to get worse?
If all of ACME's products backfire, why does Wile E. Coyote keep buying them?

Lightningsage
August 28th, 2006, 12:03 am
Greatest Comebacks EVER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.) Your Mom!
2.) Sticks and Stones may break my bones, BUT NAMES WILL NEVER HURT ME!
3.) I am rubber, you are glue. Everything that you say to me bounces back to you.
4.) ZOMGWTFROFL!
5.) SO!? YOU ARE A RAPIST!!!
6.) Damn Hippie!
7.) You're so stupid you got hit by a parked car.
8.) Shouldn't you be at home blowing up a doll? Cause that's the only action YOU'RE gonna get!
9.) You'r so stupid, your favorite color is CLEAR.
10.) I thought I saw you on CLEARANCE at the GoodWill store?
11.) Maybe you should just GET A LIFE.
12.) Poopie-Head!
13.) LOL! *Points at face*
14.) What time is it? Time to OWN you!
15.) Stop acting like you're a friggin' pimp...you look gay.
16.) Is it me? Or is it your face?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some of these are just sarcasim

Marlon
August 28th, 2006, 12:08 am
Greatest Comebacks EVER
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.) Your Mom!
2.) Sticks and Stones may break my bones, BUT NAMES WILL NEVER HURT ME!
3.) I am rubber, you are glue. Everything that you say to me bounces back to you.
4.) ZOMGWTFROFL!
5.) SO!? YOU ARE A RAPIST!!!
6.) Damn Hippie!
7.) You're so stupid you got hit by a parked car.
8.) Shouldn't you be at home blowing up a doll? Cause that's the only action YOU'RE gonna get!
9.) You'r so stupid, your favorite color is CLEAR.
10.) I thought I saw you on CLEARANCE at the GoodWill store?
11.) Maybe you should just GET A LIFE.
12.) Poopie-Head!
13.) LOL! *Points at face*
14.) What time is it? Time to OWN you!
15.) Stop acting like you're a friggin' pimp...you look gay.
16.) Is it me? Or is it your face?

-_-

Lightningsage
August 28th, 2006, 12:10 am
It's Sarcasm! ^_^

Shibura_Kaze
August 28th, 2006, 12:17 am
Things A Father Will Never Say

* Well how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions.

* You know Pumpkin, now that you're thirteen, you'll be ready for non-chaperoned car dates. Won't that be fun?

* I noticed that all your friends have a certain "up yours" attitude. I like that in a young person!

* Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!!!

* What do you mean you want to play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

* Your mother and I are going away for while. You might want to consider throwing a party.

* Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickie thingies - you know - that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to the mechanic's and pay whatever they ask.

* No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly aching and lets get to the mall.

* Whaddaya want to go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

* Father's Day? Ah - don't worry about that - it's no big deal.

Things Your Mom Would Never Say

* How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?

* Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too.

* Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery.

* Let me smell that shirt. Yeah, it's good for another week.

* Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day.

* Well, if Timmy's mom says it's OK, that's good enough for me.

* The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here.

* I don't have a tissue with me. Just use your sleeve.

* Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve.

dominate_ze_vorld
August 28th, 2006, 01:51 am
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, after which you'll be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about that toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

Cinderella
August 28th, 2006, 02:04 am
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies

1. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, after which you'll be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about that toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

I like the last one.

dominate_ze_vorld
August 28th, 2006, 03:14 am
Can you slam a revolving door?
How young can you be, but still die of old age?
What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?
Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?
What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?
Can you read a picture book?
Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?


Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!
If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?
if you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?
What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8?
What shape is the sky?
If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?
Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?
What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?
Why are dandelions considered weeds when daisies are considered flowers?
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?
Whenever an adult is kidnapped why isn't it called adultnapped??
Why do blacklights look purple?
Did Yankee Doodle name the feather, hat, town, or his pony Macaroni?
Why is it that people duck in the rain, do they really think the rain won't hit them?
How come the Bible is the most stolen book, and one of the ten comandments is "thou shall not steal"?
Why isn't the caps lock capitalized?
If there's a hole straight through the earth, from the south pole to the north pole, and you jump through it what would happen? would you keep falling forever, or fall back down when you get to the middle, or is it physically impossible?
If someone with a nostril ring takes it out, then blows their nose, do they have to cover that hole as well as their nostril holes so that snot does'nt blow out everywere?
Isn't it weird that if you rearange the word "teacher" you get "cheater"?
How come whenever you start to sing, you automatically sing in a higher voice than you talk?
How come people say they ate the last piece of gum, when they really just chew it?
If a pope goes to the bathroom, is it considered holy crap?
You know the saying "throw ya hands in the air like ya don't care"? why bother doing that if you dont care?
Why is there no pine or apple in pineapple?
If "Fantasy Island" really granted wishes, why wasn't Tattoo 6'6" ?
Why do water bottles have a "best if used by" date?
If you called the police station to talk to an officer and he was not there, would that be considered a cop out?
Can bald people get a hair line fracture?
Why do they put holes in crackers?
How come on TV the bell always rings and then the kids go to class, but in real life you need to be in class before the bell rings?
Why can the saying "it's all downhill from here." mean both that it will be easy and that it is going to get worse?
If all of ACME's products backfire, why does Wile E. Coyote keep buying them?

There are answers for most of those... like around eighty percent of those.

Marlon
August 28th, 2006, 11:27 pm
It's Sarcasm! ^_^

Yeah, too bad it didn't make me laugh.

Lightningsage
August 29th, 2006, 12:01 am
:sigh: Everyone has their own opinion, no problem with that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The YouTube Hall of Fun (and Newgrounds too!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Some of these are not suppose to be funny, just DDR).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1.) http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=333294
2.) http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=186906
3.) http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=276616
4.) http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=139969
5.) http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=208167
6.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVjtja6BKtE
7.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVjtja6BKtE
8.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EU1D9vxPDgs
9.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=twBV-L9HJYg

ME411
August 29th, 2006, 12:06 am
thank you all for your contribution to the list thread! it is greatly appreciated, and we will thank you!
Oxymorons list part 1~
A Fine Mess
A just war
A little big
a little pregnant
A new classic
absolutely unsure
abundant poverty
academic fraternity
Academic sorority
Accidentally on Purpose
accurate estimate
accurate horoscope
accurate rumors
accurate stereotype
acrophobic mountain climber
Act Naturally
active retirement
actual reenactment
acute apathy
acute dullness
adult children
Adult male
advanced BASIC
advanced beginner
Affirmative action
affordable housing
aging yuppie agree to disagree
Airline Food
airline schedules
all alone
All natural artificial flavor
alltogether separate
alone in a crowd
almost candid
Almost done
almost exactly
almost pregnant
Almost Ready
almost safe
almost suddenly
almost surprised
almost totally
alone together
amateur expert
American culture
American education
American English
amicable divorce
among the first
Amtrak schedule
Anarchy Rules!
anonymous colleague anticipated serendipity
anticipating the unanticipated
Anti-Missile Missile
anxious patient
apathetic interest
apathetically urged
Apple tech support
approximate solution
approximately equal
arms limitation
army intelligence
arrogant humility
Artificial Grass
artificial intelligence
assistant supervisor
astronomically small
athletic scholarship
Aunt Jemima Light
Auto Pilot
authentic replica
authentic reproduction
authoritarian anarchy
awfully good
awfully nice
Awfully pretty
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Twas The (Politically Correct)
Night Before Christmas:
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."

Notice: This poem is copyright 1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to
distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All
follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should
be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu . Happy Holidays!

Cinderella
August 31st, 2006, 02:29 am
Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?


Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?


!

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?


Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.


Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?



Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?


If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!


If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?



Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?

ME411
September 1st, 2006, 12:41 am
i love Azumanga Daioh! sorry but they rock and so did your list!
Oxymoron list part 2~
baby giant
baby grand (piano)
bad health
bad luck
Bad Sport
balanced insanity
balding hair
Ball Club
baggy tights
Band Jocks
bankrupt millionaire
barely dressed
Barenaked Ladies
(the rock group)
bass guitar
battle ready
Beaucractic efficiencies
benevolent despot
benign neglect
Benign Tumor
better than new
beyond infinity
big baby
big detail
big sip
big town
bigger half
bingeing on moderation
bipartisan cooperation
bird dog
birth control
Bitter Sweet
Black Gold
(slang for crude oil)
black light
Black Russian
blameless culprit
bland spice
blind eye
blind viewer
blue rose
Blurry vision
boneless ribs
books on tape
border control
boring court jester
boring entertainment
born dead
boxing ring
boyish grandpa

brave politician
brave wimp
brief speech
brief survey
briefing
bright night
bright rain
bright shade
brilliantly dull
budget deficit
Bug Fix
Bug-Free code
bug-free software
build down
bull riding
buried alive
burning cold
business casual
Business Ethics
butthead

melzii
September 15th, 2006, 08:51 pm
JUST CAUSE YOU WERE BORN IN '93' OR '94' DOES NOT MEAN YOU ARE A
90s KID. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU COULD REMEMBER SOME OF THE ORIGINAL
SIMPSONS.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A 90s KID IF...

YOU CAN SING THE RAP TO "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL AIR"

YOU'VE WORN LEGGINGS AND FELT COOL.

YOU REMEMBER WHEN IT WAS ACTUALLY WORTH GETTING UP ON A SATURDAY
MORNING TO WATCH LIVE & KICKING OR SM:TV.

YOU HAD A HUGE FRINGE AT SOME POINT IN YOUR CHILDHOOD.

YOU REMEMBER READING AND WATCHING "GOOSEBUMPS"

YOU TOOK PLASTIC CARTOON LUNCH BOXES TO SCHOOL.

YOU REMEMBER THE CRAZE OF YO-YOS AND TAMAGOTCHIS

YOU STILL GET THE URGE TO SAY "NOT" AFTER EVERY SENTENCE. NOT.

YOU KNEW THAT KIMBERLY, THE PINK RANGER, AND TOMMY, THE GREEN
RANGER WERE MEANT TO BE.

YOU COLLECTED POKEMON CARDS.

YOU PLAYED AND/OR COLLECTED POGS.

YOU HAD A WEIRD ALIEN THAT LIVED IN GOOEY STUFF IN A PLASTIC 'POD'
AND THOUGHT IF YOU STUCK 2 BACK TO BACK THEY WOULD HAVE A BABY!

YoU WATCHED THE ORIGINAL POSTMAN PAT, FIREMAN SAM AND NINJA
TURTLES.

YOU REMEMBER WHEN THE NEW BEANIE BABIES WERE ALWAYS SOLD OUT

YOU GOT YOUR MUM TO BUY 'BN' BISCUITS

YOU KNOW THE MACERENA BY HEART

"TALK TO THE HAND" ENOUGH SAID.

YOU REMEMBER THE TIME BEFORE LITERACY AND NUMERACY HOUR EXISTED.

YOU THOUGHT BRAIN FROM "PINKEY AND THE BRAIN" WOULD FINALLY TAKE OVER THE WORLD.

YOU REMEMBER BUM BAGS

YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO BE ON FUN HOUSE

2 WORDS, SPICE GIRLS
......DOn't ask why it's in capitals, I c+p-ed it off my friends blog and couldn't be bothered to change it to non-capitals [yeah, whatever they're called n.n] I'm a pure 90's kid. And also, you don't have to be born in 93 or 94 to be a 90's kid. XD

Luis
September 15th, 2006, 09:10 pm
*born in 90*

Hmm some of your stuff isnt on my list!

WTF is a the gooey alien thing?

Oh and the ninja turtles PWNED! what was the name of those shark dudes?

simplicity1love
September 16th, 2006, 12:10 am
XD *born in 91*

I don't know wtf you're talking about on a selected few , but otherwise , XD the good ol' 90s .

.. & I still rap to "the Fresh Prince of Bel Air" when it's on .

Luis
September 16th, 2006, 01:00 am
Seemed appropiate: http://img166.imageshack.us/img166/5086/1157349624762on7.jpg

ME411
September 17th, 2006, 12:03 am
it was appropriate!

SBmocyarpir
September 18th, 2006, 05:20 am
*born in 90*

Hmm some of your stuff isnt on my list!

WTF is a the gooey alien thing?

Oh and the ninja turtles PWNED! what was the name of those shark dudes?
Street Sharks, I think.

I was born in '91. I wore leggings A LOT back then. I collected Pokemon cards and Beanie Babies. I had the plastic cartoon lunch boxes.

Yup, I was a true kid of the '90's. But still, even though I wasn't around for it, nothing beats the '80's. Cool hair, awesome music, and, of course, PRESS YOUR LUCK!!!!!

melzii
September 19th, 2006, 08:25 pm
lmfso!! Oh, you never had the craze at your skwl with the gooey lil aliens?! They were so gross, but i had one XD I'm weird like that. It was just like, plasticky stretchy aliens that you'd have to wrap in this special goo to keep them "alive"...
Oh and btw, does anyone actually know what a fun house is? cause i don't.....XD

ME411
September 22nd, 2006, 01:41 am
this is an image but its funny! my friend didnt know my hubby's name so she used babe instead
http://i108.photobucket.com/albums/n13/Me-You_001/m.jpg

Lightningsage
September 22nd, 2006, 01:50 am
Hehe I like it!

M
September 22nd, 2006, 01:29 pm
I forget if these have been posted yet...

CHUCK NORRIS FACTS:

# Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

# Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

# Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.

# The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

# Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.

# Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72... and they're all poisonous.

# If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'til." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

# Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.

# When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

# The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

# Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

# CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

# Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

# There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

# Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

# What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

# Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

# Police label anyone attacking Chuck Norris as a Code 45-11.... a suicide.

# Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

# Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.

# A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

# Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.

# Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

# If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

# Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

# Fool me once, shame on you. Fool Chuck Norris once and he will roundhouse you in the face.

# The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodgeball Chuck Norris played in second grade.

# Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

# Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

# Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.

# Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

# Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

# Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

# Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

# Faster than a speeding bullet ... more powerful than a locomotive ... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound... yes, these are some of Chuck Norris's warm-up exercises.

# Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.

# In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.

# Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

# Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.

# Chuck Norris doesn't shower, he only takes blood baths.

# The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.

# In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

# According to the Encyclopedia Brittanica, the Native American "Trail of Tears" has been redefined as anywhere that Chuck Norris walks.

# Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.

# Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.

# When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

# There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

# Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.

# Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

# Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.

* When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.

* Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

* Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

* There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

* When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

* Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

* A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.

* When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

* Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)

* Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

* When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

* How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

* Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

* In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

* Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

* If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.

* Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

* The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

* A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.

* Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

* Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.

* When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

* While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.

* Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

* When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.

* When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.

* Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

* Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.

* Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

* For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

* Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.

* When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.

* Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

* When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.

* Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

* On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.

* Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!

* In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.

* Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.

* Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

* Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"

* Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

* Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

* If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.

* Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

* Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

* Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

* The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

* It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

* You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

* Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.

* The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.

* There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

* Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.

* When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

* Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.

* James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

* Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

* Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

* Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

* It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

# Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

# Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

# Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of Pain.

# Simply by pulling on both ends, Chuck Norris can stretch diamonds back into coal.

# When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

# Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.

# A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.

# Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one round house kick to the face.

# There is in fact an “I” in Norris, but there is no “team”… not even close.

# Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

# An anagram for Walker Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

# Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

# Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a fieldgoal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the 50 yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

# Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

# Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.

# Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

# Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

# Chuck Norris is expected to win gold in every swimming competition at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, even though Chuck Norris does not swim. This is because when Chuck Norris enters the water, the water gets out of his way and Chuck Norris simply walks across the pool floor.

# Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

# The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.

# Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."

# If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, he'd win. Period.

# Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

# The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die slowly" and "die quickly". They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.

# Science Fact: Roundhouse kicks are comprised primarily of an element called Chucktanium.

# The Sherman tank was originaly called the Norris tank until Chuck Norris decided it wasn't tough enough to be associated with him. The Army, for fear of Chuck Norris, renamed the tank and promised to develop a weapon more fitting of his name. To date, no weapon created has been badass enough to be named after Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

# Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

# Chuck Norris doesn't step on toes. Chuck Norris steps on necks.

# The movie "Delta Force" was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

# Movie trivia: The movie "Invasion U.S.A." is, in fact, a documentary.

# Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

# There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

# A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

# It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

# Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

# Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.

# Anytime someone is elected president in the United States, they must ask permission from Chuck Norris to live in the White House. The reason for this is because Chuck Norris had won every Federal, State, and Local election since 1777. He just allows others to run the country in his place.

# Once you go Norris, you are physically unable to go back.

# Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr, insisting that that actually is "his" way.

# The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.

# Chuck Norris doesn't play god. Playing is for children.

# As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

# Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

# Chuck Norris won super bowls VII and VIII singlehandedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.

# Wo hu cang long. The translation from Mandarin Chinese reads: "Crouching Chuck, Hidden Norris"

# Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

# Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

# 'Icy-Hot' is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot MAGMA.

# Chuck Norris cannot love, he can only not kill.

# When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.

# According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

# Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

# In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.

# Chuck Norris’ favourite cut of meat is the roundhouse.

# When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer Of worlds", He was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris halloween costume he was wearing.

# Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

# In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

# Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don’t be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

# If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

# If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

# Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

# Chuck Norris's show is called Walker: Texas Ranger, because Chuck Norris doesn't run.

# MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

# Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

# What’s known as the UFC, or Ultimate Fighting Championship, doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, Non-Chuck-Norris-Division”.

# Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.

# The easiest way to determine Chuck Norris' age is to cut him in half and count the rings.

# There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

# Most boots are made for walkin'. Chuck Norris' boots ain't that merciful.

# The US did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons: Chuck Norris killed the entire US team with a single round-house kick during TaeKwonDo practice.

# Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.

# The Bible was originally titled "Chuck Norris and Friends"

# Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

# Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

# When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he MEANS it.

# On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

# Chuck Norris was what Willis was talkin' about.

# Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

# Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.

# Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

# It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

# Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

# It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

# Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.

# That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups -- that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.

# Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

# Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.

# Chuck Norris does not play the lottery. It doesn't have nearly enough balls.

# Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None, Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

# As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

# Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.

# Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

# Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

# Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.

# Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

# It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

# Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.

# Industrial logging isn't the cause of deforestation. Chuck Norris needs toothpicks.

# Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking... because the Rock is Chuck Norris' personal chef.

# When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail, his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather, roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

# Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

# "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

# When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

# Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

# One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

# Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

# Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

# Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

# Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

# When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.

# Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

# Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys.

# Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

# Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

* Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

* If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris' misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

* In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is, then he kills people.

* Everybody loves Raymond. Except Chuck Norris.

* Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

* Chuck Norris got his drivers license at the age of 16. Seconds.

* The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

* Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.

* Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.

* Chuck Norris once shat blood - the blood of 11,940 natives he had killed and eaten.

* Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.

* The truth will set you free. Unless Chuck Norris has you, in which case, forget it buddy!

* For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.

* Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

* Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

* Coroners refer to dead people as "ABC's". Already Been Chucked.

* Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street... he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.

* Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.

* How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris doesnt wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

* The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

* When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

* If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris", they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

* Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your damn eyes off.

* Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.

* Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

* The original title for Star Wars was "Skywalker: Texas Ranger". Starring Chuck Norris.

* Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for "Chuck Norris' basement".

* The phrase 'balls to the wall' was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

* Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

* Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.

* He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.

* The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.

* The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

* Chuck Norris' Roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' Career.

* Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindess, and possibly foot sized brusies on the face.

* Chuck Norris can taste lies.

* Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.

* One time, Chuck Norris accidentally stubbed his toe. It destroyed the entire state of Ohio.

* Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

* In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization "Kick Drugs Out of America". If the organization's name were "Roundhouse Kick Drugs out of America", there wouldn't be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.

* Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

* They had to edit the first ending of 'Lone Wolf McQuade' after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.

* Chuck Norris does, in fact, live in a round house.

* Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.

* When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.

* 4 out of 5 doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

* Chuck Norris can skeletize a cow in two minutes.

* The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

* Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

* With the rising cost of gasoline, Chuck Norris is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

* The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris, the result is death.

* chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

* To be or not to be? That is the question. The answer? Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

* There are two types of people in the world... people that suck, and Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

* If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

* 70% of a human's weight is water. 70% of Chuck Norris' weight is his dick.

* Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

* The pie scene in "American Pie" is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.

* Chuck Norris uses 8'x10' sheets of plywood as toilet paper.

# Noah was the only man notified before Chuck Norris relieved himself in the Atlantic Ocean.

# Chuck Norris once invited all of the other badasses from TV to duke it out in order to see who was the supreme badass. Only two showed up-- Jack Bauer and MacGyver.

# MacGyver immediately tried to make a bomb out of some Q-Tips and Gatorade, but Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the solar plexus. MacGyver promptly threw up his own heart.

# Jack Bauer tried to use his detailed knowledge of torture techniques, but to no avail: Chuck Norris thrives on pain. Chuck Norris then ripped off Jack Bauer's arm and beat him to death with it. Game, set, match.

# Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

# The First Law of Thermodynamics states that energy can neither be created nor destroyed... unless it meets Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris doesn't go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.

# Fact: Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman survives.

# It is said that looking into Chuck Norris' eyes will reveal your future. Unfortunately, everybody's future is always the same: death by a roundhouse-kick to the face.

# Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know - Except for the definition of mercy.

# Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.

# Chuck Norris never has to wax his skis because they're always slick with blood.

# When you say "no one's perfect", Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.

# Chuck Norris can win a game of Trivial Pursuit with one roll of the dice, and without answering a single question... just a nod of the head, and a stroke of the beard.

# 182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.

# Paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, but Chuck Norris beats all 3 at the same time.

# Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can walk on Jesus.

# All roads lead to Chuck Norris. And by the transitive property, a roundhouse kick to the face.

# If you're driving down the road and you think Chuck Norris just cut you off, you better thank your lucky stars it wasn't the other way around.

# July 4th is Independence day. And the day Chuck Norris was born. Coincidence? i think not.

# Chuck Norris never goes to the dentist because his teeth are unbreakable. His enemies never go to the dentist because they have no teeth.

# In the medical community, death is referred to as "Chuck Norris Disease"

# Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

# If you work in an office with Chuck Norris, don't ask him for his three-hole-punch.

# In the Words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked inthe face by Chuck Norris.

# The First rule of Chuck Norris is: you do not talk about Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris is widely predicted to be first black president. If you're thinking to yourself, "But Chuck Norris isn't black", then you are dead wrong. And stop being a racist.

# When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.

# Chuck Norris can be unlocked on the hardest level of Tekken. But only Chuck Norris is skilled enough to unlock himself. Then he roundhouse kicks the Playstation back to Japan.

# Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.

# Every time someone uses the word "intense", Chuck Norris always replies "you know what else is intense?" followed by a roundhouse kick to the face.

# As an infant, Chuck Norris' parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.

# Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

# Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him "a promising Rookie".

# There are only two things that can cut diamonds: other diamonds, and Chuck Norris.

# President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles. Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

# Chuck Norris once ate four 30lb bowling balls without chewing.

# What many people dont know is chuck norris is the founder of planned parenthood. Not even unborn children can escape his wrath.

# Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.

# Chuck Norris qualified with a top speed of 324 mph at the Daytona 500, without a car.

# Chuck Norris likes his coffee half and half: half coffee grounds, half wood-grain alcohol.

# Chuck Norris uses tabasco sauce instead of visine.

# The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.

# Chuck Norris' credit cards have no limit. Last weekend, he maxed them out.

# Think of a hot woman. Chuck Norris did her.

# A man once claimed Chuck Norris kicked his ass twice, but it was promptly dismissed as false - no one could survive it the first time.

# Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

# Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets.

# Chuck Norris doesn't chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.

# Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

# When in a bar, you can order a drink called a "Chuck Norris". It is also known as a "Bloody Mary", if your name happens to be Mary.

# Every time Chuck Norris smiles, someone dies. Unless he smiles while he’s roundhouse kicking someone in the face. Then two people die.

# Some people ask for a Kleenex when they sneeze, Chuck Norris asks for a body bag.

# There’s an order to the universe: space, time, Chuck Norris.... Just kidding, Chuck Norris is first.

# A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

# Chuck Norris starts everyday with a protein shake made from Carnation Instant Breakfast, one dozen eggs, pure Colombian cocaine, and rattlesnake venom. He injects it directly into his neck with a syringe.

# In a tagteam match, Chuck Norris was teamed with Hulk Hogan against King Kong Bundy and Andre The Giant. He pinned all 3 at the same time.

# Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

# Chuck Norris is the only person who can simultaneously hold and fire FIVE Uzis: One in each hand, one in each foot -- and the 5th one he roundhouse-kicks into the air, so that it sprays bullets.

# For undercover police work, Chuck Norris pins his badge underneath his shirt, directly into his chest.

# In the X-Men movies, none of the X-Men super-powers are done with special effects. Chuck Norris is the stuntman for every character.

# We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

# It is said that every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. Every time God masturbates, Chuck Norris kills a lion.

# The word 'Kill' was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were 'Die', 'Beer', and 'What'.

# Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.

# The 11th commandment is “Thou shalt not piss off Chuck Norris” This commandment is rarely enforced, as it is impossible to accomplish.

# Chuck Norris is his own line at the DMV.

# Two wrongs don't make a right. Unless you're Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.

# Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out... and then roundhouse kicked them through an Oldsmobile.

# Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

# When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.

# Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

# Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting... because he's not acting.

# If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, he'll beat it into you.

# Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

# Chuck Norris has to register every part of his body as a separate lethal weapon. His spleen is considered a concealed weapon in over 50 states.

# A movie scene depicting Chuck Norris losing a fight with Bruce Lee was the product of history's most expensive visual effect. When adjusted for inflation, the effect cost more than the Gross National Product of Paraguay.

# Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

# They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

# Chuck Norris once rode a nine foot grizzly bear through an automatic car wash, instead of taking a shower.

# "Sweating bullets" is literally what happens when Chuck Norris gets too hot.

# Chuck Norris' sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.

# After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

# Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

# When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

# There are no such things as tornados. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

# Chuck Norris' Penis is a third degree blackbelt, and an honorable 32nd-degree mason.

# Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.

# The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

# Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

# Diamonds are not, despite popular belief, carbon. They are, in fact, Chuck Norris fecal matter. This was proven a recently, when scientific analysis revealed what appeared to be Jean-Claude Van Damme bone fragments inside the Hope Diamond.

# Chuck Norris once participated in the running of the bulls. He walked.

# The Drummer for Def Leppard's only got one arm. Chuck Norris needed a back scratcher.

# Chuck Norris was the orginal sculptor of Mount Rushmore. He completed the entire project using only a bottle opener and a drywall trowel.

# Chuck Norris once rode a bull, and nine months later it had a calf.

# Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich.

# For Spring Break '05, Chuck Norris drove to Madagascar, riding a chariot pulled by two electric eels.

# The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn't even come close.

# Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.

# Divide Chuck Norris by zero and you will in fact get one........one bad-ass that is.

# TNT was originally developed by Chuck Norris to cure indigestion.

# After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.

# Chuck Norris runs on batteries. Specifically, Die Hards.

# "Let the Bodies Hit the Floor" was originally written as Chuck Norris' theme song.

# Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

# Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

# When Chuck Norris makes a burrito, its main ingredient is real toes.

# Chuck Norris is not Irish. His hair is soaked in the blood of his victims.

# In the movie "The Matrix", Chuck Norris is the Matrix. If you pay close attention in the green "falling code" scenes, you can make out the faint texture of his beard.

# Chuck Norris' dick is so big, it has it's own dick, and that dick is still bigger than yours.

# They say curiosity killed the cat. This is false. Chuck Norris killed the cat. Every single one of them.

# There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

# Chuck Norris crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.

# When Chuck Norris was born, he immediately had sex with the first nurse he saw. He was her first. She was his third. That afternoon.

# One time, at band camp, Chuck Norris ate a percussionist.

# Chuck Norris doesn't say "who's your daddy", because he knows the answer.

# Chuck Norris originally wrote the first dictionary. The definition for each word is as follows - A swift roundhouse kick to the face.

# Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

# The term "Cleveland Steamer" got its name from Chuck Norris, when he took a dump while visiting the Rock and Roll Hall of fame and buried northern Ohio under a glacier of fecal matter.

# Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

# The pen is mighter than the sword, but only if the pen is held by Chuck Norris.

M
September 22nd, 2006, 01:30 pm
* Chuck Norris doesn't kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris kills all birds, with two stones. The ones in his pants.

* Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.

* Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

* The air around Chuck Norris is always a balmy 78 degrees.

* When Chuck Norris wants an egg, he cracks open a chicken.

* Chuck Norris plays racquetball with a waffle iron and a bowling ball.

* According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.

* Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

* Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you...Fourty seven times.

* The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game, it was an exhibition game vs. Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse-kick to the face in overtime.

* Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.

* Mr. T pities the fool. Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off.

* Chuck Norris had to stop washing his clothes in the ocean. The tsunamis were killing people.

* Chuck Norris has volunteered to remain on earth after the Rapture; he will spend his time fighting the Anti-Christ.

* They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be "Chuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick."
* Chuck Norris is the only known mammal in history to have an opposable thumb. On his penis.

* A man once taunted Chuck Norris with a bag of Lay's potato chips, saying "Betcha can't eat just one!" Chuck Norris proceeded to eat the chips, the bag, and the man in one deft move.

* Chuck Norris' favorite cereal is Kellogg's Nails 'N' Gravel.

* In the first Jurassic Park movie, the Tyrannosaurus Rex wasn't chasing the jeep. Chuck Norris was chasing the Tyrannosaurus AND the jeep.

* Chuck Norris has never been accused of murder for the simple fact that his roundhouse kicks are recognized world-wide as "acts of God."

* "Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

* Chuck Norris does not wear a condom. Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris once had sex with a cigarette machine in the Osaka airport.

* Rules of fighting: 1) Don't bring a knife to a gun fight. 2) Don't bring a gun to a Chuck Norris fight.

* Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.

* In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.

* Chuck Norris wipes his ass with chain mail and sandpaper.

* When you play Monopoly with Chuck Norris, you do not pass go, and you do not collect two hundred dollars. You will be lucky if you make it out alive.

* Chuck Norris describes human beings as "a sociable holder for blood and guts".

* Chuck Norris once got into a fight with a one-armed Ninja. Seeing that he had an unfair advantage, Chuck Norris ripped both of his arms off and one of his legs. He then roundhouse-kicked the ninja in the head, killing him instantly, and proceeded to sow his limbs back on using only a rusty tent spike and bailing wire.

* Chuck Norris likes his ice like he likes his skulls: crushed.

* Chuck Norris can kick through all 6 degrees of separation, hitting anyone, anywhere, in the face, at any time.

* Most tough men eat nails for breakfast. chuck Norris does all of his grocery shopping at Home Depot.

* Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

* Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

* Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

* Most people know that Descarte said, "I think, therefore I am." What most people don't know is that that quote continues, "...afraid of Chuck Norris."

* Chuck Norris once roundhouse-kicked a ten dollar bill into 200 nickels.

* For every movie about Vietnam starring Chuck Norris, the historical duration of the war decreases. Just 3 more "Missing in Action" sequels, and that war will have never actually existed.

* Chuck Norris' penis has a Hemi.

* Chuck Norris enjoys a good practical joke. His favorite is where he removes your lower intestine and pretends to make a balloon animal out of it. Then he cracks your skull open with a Volvo for not complimenting him on his balloon animal.

* Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.

* Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

* Life is not, in fact, like a box of chocolates. It is more like a box of Chuck Norris, roundhouse kicking you in the face. And if you receive a box of Chuck Norris, you ALWAYS know what you are going to get.

* For Chuck Norris, every street is "one way". HIS WAY.

* There are now five cup sizes at Starbucks: Short, Tall, Grande, Venti, and Chuck Norris.

* During the Vietnam War, Chuck Norris allowed himself to be captured. For torture, they made him eat his own entrails. He asked for seconds.

* Chuck Norris once created a flamethrower by urinating into a lighter.

* Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.

* Chuck Norris actually built the stairway to heaven.

* Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

* Chuck Norris once skewered a man with the Eiffel tower.

* The best part of waking up, is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep.

* Chuck Norris doesn't own a can opener, he just chews through the can.

* Occam's Razor says that the simplest answer tends to be the correct one. Norris' Razor involves a flick of the wrist and a Columbian Necktie.

* Chuck Norris needs a monkeywrench and a blowtorch to masturbate.

* Proponents of higher-order theories of consciousness argue that consciousness is explained by the relation between two levels of mental states in which a higher-order mental state takes another mental state. If you mention this to Chuck Norris, expect an explosive roundhouse kick to the face for spouting too much fancy-talk.

* Chuck Norris invented all 32 letters of the alphabet.

* Remember The Ultimate Warrior? He quit wrestling because Chuck Norris wanted his nickname back.

* If a tree falls in the forest, does anybody hear? Yes. Chuck Norris hears it. Chuck Norris can hear everything. Chuck Norris can hear the shrieking terror in your soul.

* Chuck Norris actually owns IBM. It was an extremely hostile takeover.

* He, who laughs last, laughs best. He who laughs at Chuck Norris … dies.

* Chuck Norris is like a dog, not only because he can smell fear, but because he can piss on whatever he wants.

* Chuck Norris can jump-start a car using jumper cables attached to his nipples.

* Chuck Norris neither melts in your mouth nor in your hand. He shreds your trachea before ravaging your soul with a combination of chocolate, whickey, roundhouse kicks and death. Oh, and pain. Lots of pain.

* Chuck Norris doesn't have blood. He is filled with magma.

* Chuck Norris uses Tabasco Sauce for eye drops.

* Chuck Norris can get Blackjack with just one card.

* "One time I was with Norris in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Norris goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Chuck Norris! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'ChuckNorris' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'"

* People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

* Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks people in the face first and asks questions later.

* When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
* Archeologists in India recently uncovered a new dinosaur. It’s actually many dinosaurs but one is in the middle of all the others. The one in the middle is believed to have killed the others with a single roundhouse kick to the face. The archeologists wanted to call it ChuckNorrisaurs but the Indian government changed the name to Himotosaurous because it’s simply not possible for Mr. Norris to be killed.

* Chuck Norris got a perfect score on his SAT's, simply by writing Chuck Norris for every answer.

* Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.

* Chuck Norris successfully seperated twins conjoined at the head by roundkicking them in the face.

* Dinosaurs went extinct because of the Chuck Norrisaurus.

* People have often asked the United States, What is your secret weapon against terrorists? We simply reply...Chuck Norris

* Chuck Norris wears Orion's Belt around his pinky toe and he eats with the Big Dipper.

* Chuck Norris eats lightning and farts thunder.

* Lightning never strikes twice in one place because Chuck Norris is looking for it.

* Chuck Norris was once a knight in King Arthur's court. He was known as Sir Beatdown.

* Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated. Chuck Norris once played rugby by himself. He went undefeated.

* In Desert Storm the reason why the Iraqi army surrendered so quickly because they knew Chuck Norris was coming.

* Chuck Norris has never looked a baby in the eyes cause it might him cry but if he does it also makes him want to punch a baby.

* Chuck norris doesnt go at the speed of light, he goes at the speed of Norris

* Chuck Norris does not know about this website. If he did he would have just deleted the internet.

* Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

* Chuck Norris's sweat has burned holes in concrete.

* The wind of Chuck Norris’s round house kick can be felt from 1600 million miles away

* Chuck Norris has held the World Championship in every weight class at the same time.

* There is no Control button on Chuck Norris' computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.

* Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

* There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

* Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.

* Chuck Norris stared evil in the face, and it backed down

* Chuck Norris can split the atom. With his bare hands.

* On the SAT if you put Chuck Norris for every answer you will score over 8000

* The United States could save billions in defense funding if they trade the Military for Chuck Norris

* When Chuck Norris spits out watermelon seeds, he puts a machine gun to shame

* Chuck Norris doesnt use after shave, he uses liquid hot magma.

* When Chuck norris found this web-site while surfing the internt, he round house kicked his computer...10 new facts were added instantly.including this one

* You can lead a horse to water but cannot make him drink, unless you’re Chuck Norris

* No matter what your mother always said, Chuck Norris can tune a fish.

* Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''

* On Valentine's Day, Chuck Norris gives his wife the still beating heart of one of his enemies. Being very romantic, Chuck Norris believes every day should be Valentine's Day.

* Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

* Chuck Norris let the dogs out.

* Chuck Norris visits an active volcano every morning to get some of "the best damn espresso on Earth".

* Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

* Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!

* Chuck Norris don't open no can of whoopass. He makes his own.

* Chuck Norris could shoot someone and still have time to roundhouse kick him in the face before the bullet hit.

* Chuck Norris's body temperature is 98.6 degrees... Celsius.

* The world's fastest car has 7 gears. 5, 6, and Chuck Norris.

* The active ingredient in Red Bull is Chuck Norris's sweat.

* The Seven Wonders of the ancient world were: Chuck Norris' left and right hands, his left and right feet, his belly button, his liver, and his beard.

* When Chuck Norris goes to Vegas, he doesn't have to gamble. The casinos just give him stacks of money.

* In an emergency, Chuck Norris can be used as a floatation device.

* When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

* The speed of light was instituted because Chuck Norris didn't want get winded outrunning it. Chuck Norris hates to sweat.

* Chuck Norris once bench-pressed the entire state of Ohio, and all of its residents.

* Chuck Norris can hold his breathe for nine years.

* When somebody yells "Last one in is a rotten egg," Chuck Norris is never the rotten egg.

* Chuck Norris invented the question mark.

* Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

* Chuck Norris has 3 knees on each leg.

* Chuck Norris likes long walks on the beach, Barry White music, Harlequin romance novels, songbirds, rainbows, and quiet time with his lady…just before he roundhouse kicks her in the face.

* Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

* If you gave Chuck Norris a typewriter and 0.000000000000000000001th of a second he can write the Complete Works of Shakespeare

* Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.

* Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.

* The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.

* Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

* Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.

* Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds.

* Chuck Norris make onions CRY!!!

* Some people say that Chuck Norris is a myth. Those "some people" are now dead.

* When Chuck Norris sneeze, he don't say "Atchoo" he says "DIE EVERYONE!!!". That's what happens next.

* Chuck Norris eats a bowl of diamonds every morning.

* Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb

aries_fire
September 23rd, 2006, 01:27 am
Consultants Commandments
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

Work is accomplished by those employees who are still striving to reach their level of incompetence.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. (Project Management at its best).
Courtesy of funnylists.net

blo0d_dem0n
September 24th, 2006, 03:15 am
It's really scary how this works out. NO CHEATING!!!! First, get a pen and paper. Second, write the numbers one through six. Next to number one, write any number... Next to number two, write the name of anyone to which you are really attracted... Next to three, write down the first color you can think of... Next to number four, write the name of your first pet.... Next to number five write down the name of a family member... Next to number six write down the name of another family member...

Remember...no cheating....

Keep scrolling down....

Don't cheat, or you'll be upset....

Here are the answers....

The number next to number one shows how many times you should be smashed over the head with a baseball bat for thinking that stupid e-mails like this actually mean anything....

The person named next to number two is someone who will never sleep with you because you're stupid enough to waste your time on something like this....

The color you picked means nothing. It's a friggin' color for Christ-sake....

Number four gives you the name of a dead animal....

Numbers five and six represent family members who are embarrassed to be related to you.....

Pass this on to everyone you know, so they can feel like a schmuck too.

:realmad: dude you mde me waste paper!!! wtf! and you made me feel like a fu**ing noob....

ME411
September 27th, 2006, 12:55 pm
my work is done

also you are a n00b you 12 year old

M
September 27th, 2006, 01:20 pm
:realmad: dude you mde me waste paper!!! wtf! and you made me feel like a fu**ing noob....

Maybe because you are... If you had thought, you could have used M$ Notepad / OSS Notepad++ and saved yourself that sheet of paper.

ME411
September 28th, 2006, 11:18 pm
@M that list is sooooooooooooooooooooo long I am not even bored enough to read the whole thing

Lightningsage
September 28th, 2006, 11:28 pm
Lol...

Luis
October 1st, 2006, 08:45 pm
Ripped off MSN.com Here: OMG! (http://http://men.msn.com/articlees.aspx?cp-documentid=702593)

I'm gonna BOLD the ones that made me laugh out loud. (or "got to me" somehow)

1. Don't worry, your dad didn't know what he was doing, either.

2. No, no--not that Spock!

3. Second thought, maybe you should worry.

4. Never tell anybody that you and your wife are "trying."

We really don't need the visual, that's why.

5. Never tell anybody where your child was conceived, how long it took, or what song was playing.

6. Do not name your baby after cities, geographical points of interest, features of the solar system, seasons, plants, animals, or current television stars.

7. Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his mother, and, for the first year, you are only a curiosity.

For a couple of years after that, an amusement-park ride.

Then, a referee.

And finally, a bank.

8. If you want to subject your son to the unkindest cut, insist on a local anesthetic, since many pediatricians don't bother to use one.

The anesthetic is for the kid.

9. Baby gas is lessened with a good nipple connection during feeding, which decreases air intake.

Assuring that his lower lip is flipped out, not pursed, helps.

10. There is nothing wrong with thumb-sucking, which helps ease the pain of teething.

Nonetheless, it probably ought to stop by kindergarten.

11. Diaper-rash remedy: Expose baby's hydraulics to the air until dry. Soak baby's bottom in tepid water with a half cup baking soda. Then, Balmex. Or Lotrimin. Rediaper.

12. You know how they say you'll get used to diapers? You won't.

Unless you wear them a lot.

13. Forcing children to use toilets will make them dislike toilets.

Children begin using toilets when they tire of that not-so-fresh feeling.

Of course, this is long, way long, after you tire of it.

14. The start of crawling: usually begins between six months and twelve months.

Standing: usually between nine and twelve months.

Walking: between twelve and fifteen months.

The onset of the above, as with all developmental skills, is hugely variable among individual children.

15. Avoid walkers, not only because they can be dangerous around stairs but because they don't require a child to balance and thus retard his walking progress.

16. Reason boys are better: They cannot get pregnant.

17. Reason girls are better: They're less likely to get arrested.

18. The threat of an unknown punishment is always more effective than a stated one.

19. Annals of great punishments: Hang dolly from a noose!

That was a joke, Dad, a joke.

Annals of great punishments, for real: making him wash the car, clean the bathroom, and watch The McLaughlin Group.

You see, all great punishments should reduce the number of disagreeable tasks you would otherwise have to perform.

20. Teach by example.

21. Your kids can develop an independent sense of good taste only if they're allowed to make their own mistakes in judgment.

22. Relax: Lots of little boys want a Barbie and a dollhouse.

23. The first time you change your son's diaper and he pees all over you is not an accident. It's foreshadowing.

24. Children of too-strict parents are more likely to develop tics.

25. Let them take reasonable risks: A few scrapes in the long run are nothing compared with the scars left by hovering parents. Or tics.

In preparation for risks: a Red Cross first-aid course.

26. The most common cause of fatal injury among kids between five and nine involves cars, which is to say, hold their hands. And buckle them in.

27. Try to tuck them in every night, too.

28. When changing diapers, avoid baby powder, as it can irritate her lungs.

When changing diapers, definitely don't avoid the Desitin--spread it thick, like Spackle.

29. It never hurts to videotape the baby-sitter.

Especially if she's hot.

30. Never disclose to other parents that you have found a good baby-sitter.

31. Reason boys are better: They cost less, especially their clothes.

32. Reason girls are better: They're less likely to burn, slash, or chew the clothes they have.

33. Overalls are not only cute, they provide a convenient handle.

34. At a certain point, your child will appear to survive exclusively on peanut butter, french fries, Cheerios, and hot dogs.

35. Dropping food on the floor is a new and delightful skill to a one-year-old, not a deliberate attempt to annoy you.

However, as small he or she might be, never underestimate an infant's ability to project chewed food over great distances.

36. The single most important thing a father can possess: Wet-Naps.

37. NOW, more than ever, don't move into a place without laundry facilities.

38. Children's hobbies to nip quickly in the bud: drums, archery, matchbook collecting.

39. Beware your child's uncles, who will teach your kid dirty words, introduce him to liquor, and give him gifts of drums, archery sets, and possibly matches.

40. It is, of course, your natural right to exert the above negative influences on your siblings' offspring.

41. You are under no obligation to tell children the truth.

Lying to children is, in fact, half the fun: "Oh, that tree? That's a yellow-spotted spickle-gruber, of course."

On the other hand, they do remember everything.

42. Sesame Street.

43. Your bedroom door gets a lock. Your teenage son's does not.

44. Lock or no, please knock before entering, as the disruption of a youth who is spanking his monkey will be twice as traumatic for you as it is for him.

45. Other doors to lock: those on the liquor cabinet.

46. There is only one reason for a teenager to burn incense, and we think you remember what it is.

47. Unfortunately, those books that say motherhood makes women desire more sex are referring to women who are not your wife.

48. No matter how wealthy you are, don't buy your kid a car -- offer to match him.

Ditto for other adolescent big-ticket items; teach the little bastard some responsibility!

49. The previous statement proving you are your parents.

Only -- hopefully -- with better fashion sense.

50. Price of a college education for a baby born in 1999: $200,000.

51. If the real response to his question is no, try this instead: "Go ask your mom."

52. DNA tests are 99.9 percent accurate, but check the ears to be absolutely sure.

53. Reason boys are better: Boys start talking later than girls.

54. Reason girls are better: Boys toilet-train later than girls.

55. The twos aren't always terrible.

Even if they are, take heart, as kids aged three to six generally believe their parents are the most amazing beings alive and wish to be exactly like them.

How scary is that?

56. Establishing savings accounts for your kids and requiring them to make regular monthly deposits teaches them how to eventually become J. R Morgan.

The above could prove useful in your dotage.

57. Corny as it sounds, that Harry Chapin guy was right.

Then again, you could argue that W. C. Fields was right, too.

58. It's never too early to begin reading to children.

59. Let them read what they enjoy.

60. Except your porn, which your son will eventually steal unless you hide it really well.

No, you cannot ask for it back.

Furthermore, you cannot steal his.

61. Acceptable reading material: Dr. Seuss, Where the Wild Things Are, Harold and the Purple Crayon, Curious George, and any of the following by Roald Dahl -- James and the Giant Peach, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and Danny the Champion of the World.

Neither of the following by Roald Dahl: Kiss, kiss or Switch Bitch.

62. Know that by the time your kids are teens, those enormous baggy pants will be long gone, as will tattoos, piercing, and Marilyn Manson.

Of course, by 2015, kids might very well sever arms and legs as fashion statements.

63. Some parents walk around naked in front of their children.

These parents should stop it.

64. Nearly all psychological problems result from feelings of worthlessness, which is to say, every now and then make sure that you tell your kid he's pretty great.

65. And never raise a hand to him. But being a good guy, you probably knew that.

66. The harder they play, the earlier they sleep.

67. Never turn down an invitation to play.

68. No toys that require batteries.

69. They never really outgrow the claw.

"No, Dad, no! Not the claw!" means "Apply the claw, please."

70. All in all, fatherhood is pretty terrific -- filled with joy and triumph, promise and miracles -- particularly other people's fatherhood.

71. You might think you know a lot about fatherhood, but not as much as you will when you're a grandfather.

72. If you're thinking that fatherhood means the end of life as you've known it, you, sir, are, of course, absolutely correct.

ME411
October 4th, 2006, 12:09 am
that was disturbing, interesting, and funny.....just like you siul1313

Luis
October 4th, 2006, 03:44 pm
thnks :)

ME411
October 20th, 2006, 02:18 am
What's the difference between a novel and a book?

How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?

If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?

If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?

If you have a cold hot pocket, is it just a pocket?

If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why is the show called unsolved mysteries? if they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.

Do penguins have knees?

Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?

How come people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when if there was an emergency surely you would run through it?

Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?

Why are both of Spongebob's parents round like sea sponges while he is square like a kitchen sponge?

Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?

If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?

Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?

If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?

If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?

If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?

Do they call a fortune teller who cant see a "blind seer"?

Why do you put two cents in when its only a penny for your thoughts?

Can you cry underwater?

You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No Pants?
Would the restaurant still have to serve them?

If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant?

Why doesn't flavored gum turn your mouth that color?

If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?

Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?

Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?

If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe?

If bald people work as chefs in a restaurant,do they have to wear hairnets?

Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state :'Caution: May Cause Drowsiness?

Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?

How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time?

If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?

When the French swear do they say pardon my English?

Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?

How did Walt Disney figure out how to make people pay to stand in lines all day?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why do they call someone "late" if they died early?

Why are the adjectives 'fast as' and 'slow as' often used in conjunction with hell, is hell slow or fast?

If the serving size on a can of soda is one can, then why is the serving size on the little can one can, too? Wouldn't the little cans be 2 cans?

If a king is gay and marries another guy what is that guy to the royal family?

Why are red buttons always the most important?

How is chess considered a sport?

Why is it when your sleeping it`s called drool but when your awake its called spit?

If a hermaphrodite got sent to a certain gender prison, which one would it get sent to?

If a teacher were to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, would they be "degraded"?

If you get chemo-therapy do you lose your pubic hairs?

Would you die if you didn't pee?

Why does every Abraham Lincoln impersonator sound the same, even though there are no known audio recordings of the man?

How's come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up.

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

When Jewish People go to Court, they can't swear on the bible, can they?

If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?

If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?

Could you be a closet claustrophobic?

Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?

If ketchup is good on french fries, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?

Where do all the daylight savings hours go?

Why doesn't the hair on your arms grow as fast as the hair on your head?

What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?

Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"

Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?

How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?

Why doesn't broccoli come in a can?

Can you slam a revolving door?

How young can you be, but still die of old age?

What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?

Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?

What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?

Can you read a picture book?

Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?

Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!

If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?

if you're on an American airline, and you land in Canada and stay on the plane, is the drinking age still 21 or does it change to 19?

What happens if every team in the NFL goes 8-8?

What shape is the sky?

If a Jewish person goes to court and is asked to put their right hand on the Bible, do they use a Torah instead?

Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?

If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?

If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?

What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?

Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?

Some of them are repeated

ME411
November 15th, 2006, 12:29 am
revive! revive! revive!

Lightningsage
November 15th, 2006, 01:15 am
Yes, Ma'am!

Um...Don't know what to post...Dang it.

Lightningsage
November 25th, 2006, 02:31 pm
Sorry for my double post, but i'm reviving this thread!

38 Kinder, Gentler Ways to Say Someone is Stupid
1. A few clowns short of a circus

2. A few fries short of a Happy Meal

3. An experiement in artifical stupidity

4. A few beers short of a six-pack

5. Dumber than a box of hair

6. A few peas short of a casserole

7. Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box

8. The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead

9. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl

10. One taco short of a combo plate

11. A few feathers short of a whole duck

12. All foam, no beer

13. The cheese slid off the cracker

14. Body by Fisher - Brains by Mattel

15. Has an IQ of 2 and it takes 3 to grunt

16. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear

17. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel

18. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

19. An intellect rivaled only by garden tools

20. As smart as bait

21. Chimney's clogged

22. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash

23. Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair

24. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor

25. Forgot to pay his brain bill

26. Her sewing machine's out of thread

27. His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels

28. His belt doesn't go through all the loops

29. If he had another brain it would be lonely

30. Missing a few buttons on his remote control

31. No grain in the silo

32. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse

33. Receiver is off the hook

34. Several nuts short of a full pouch

35. Skylight leaks a little

36. Slinky's kinked

37. Surfing in Nebraska

38. Too much yardage between the goal posts

Invain
November 26th, 2006, 12:42 pm
Here are a few things to think about that you probably have never thought about.

Actually some of them are very true, or at least everyone thought about them once.

1. Can you cry under water?

2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

3. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? where's that extra penny going to?

4. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

5. What disease did cured ham actually have?

6. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

7. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

8. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

9. Why are you in a movie, but you're on TV?

10. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

11. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? they're going to see you naked anyway.

12. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural

13. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

14. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

15. If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

16. If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

18. Do the alphabet song and twinkle, twinkle little star have the same tune?

19. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


http://www.coopsjokes.com/list17/wonder.htm

ME411
November 26th, 2006, 05:18 pm
Here are the answers to your questions:
1. Can you cry under water?-of course you can you just cant tell!

2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?- only presidents are assassinated

3. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? where's that extra penny going to?-they are 2 separate phrases

4. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?-because its to hard to make a round box or a square pizza

5. What disease did cured ham actually have?-none

6. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?-no common sense

7. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?-because the few seconds they are asleep is very peaceful

8. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?- of course

9. Why are you in a movie, but you're on TV?-who knows?(its a mystery)

10. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?- it looks cooler up there

11. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? they're going to see you naked anyway.-to give you a false sense of privacy and not feel like their at a strip show

12. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?-?????

13. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?- dogs eat it

14. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?-no

15. If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?- it would end the series

16. If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?-there are no restaurants in the desert

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?-oil.......

18. Do the alphabet song and twinkle, twinkle little star have the same tune?-nope

19. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?-people are gullible

aries_fire
November 27th, 2006, 02:20 am
And here are some questions to answer your questions:
(bold ones are mine, just to let you know)
1. Can you cry under water?
Can you make meatballs out of spaghetti? Heh heh
2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
How much money does the deceased carry?
3. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? where's that extra penny going to?
Who cares about pennies? (me!)
4. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
Why doesn't a square pizza come in a round box? Mind boggling, huh?
5. What disease did cured ham actually have?
What did the piggy eat before it was cured? <---stupid question
6. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that we shun all geniouses (sp?)?
7. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
How hard is their bed?
8. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If a blind person goes on vacation, is it still called sight-seeing?
9. Why are you in a movie, but you're on TV?
Why are you questioning a one-letter difference?
10. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Where's the profit in not having them pay?
11. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? they're going to see you naked anyway.
Why are you asking that question? (yes, I got stuck)
12. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
Why is the plural form of nucleus 'nuclei (sp, darn it)?
13. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why don't you like burnt bread? It's good
14. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Are the deceased counted in the population? Thought not.
15. If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do you want the series to end? (even though it's over)
16. If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Why did you misspell 'Acne'?
17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If you're so clever, why aren't you being awarded the Nobel Prize? (yep, stuck again)
18. Do the alphabet song and twinkle, twinkle little star have the same tune?
Why don't you sing them and see for yourself?
19. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do you think I did? HMM? Are you psychic or something?
Yep, that sucked.

septermagick
November 27th, 2006, 02:28 am
Ignore this post. Sorry.

Lightningsage
January 29th, 2007, 12:43 am
*blows the dust off*
She'll thank me later :)

1. Can you cry under water?
-Never tried, never will.

2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Look at Martin Luther King Jr., he did a ton to become an important leader.

3. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? where's that extra penny going to?
The extra penny is to keep you thinking.

4. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
It's symetrecal either way XD.

5. What disease did cured ham actually have?
I dunno...Hamalonia?

6. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Cause that came first.

7. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Maybe it's because they are lying. Now people say "slept like a log".

8. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Duh.

9. Why are you in a movie, but you're on TV?
Most celebs start out on TV.

10. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
People don't know any better.

11. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? they're going to see you naked anyway.
They're not THAT perverted.

12. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
How should I know that answer to that? Why am I even answering this? Why are you asking this? WHO ARE YOU!?!?!?!?!!!1111

13. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Some people may eat it, if they aren't human.

14. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
Probably not.

15. If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Cause he's not that smart of a professor.

16. If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Exactly my point.

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
Babies.

18. Do the alphabet song and twinkle, twinkle little star have the same tune?
How should I know?

19. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
I didn't.

deathraider
January 30th, 2007, 02:58 am
1. Can you cry under water?
Nope. Pretty sure I have tried.

2. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
Depends on how they were killed, what the intentions of the killing were, who they were killed by, too, you know.

3. Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. . but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? where's that extra penny going to?
Taxes, duh.

4. Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
So it's easier to carry/put together. Some pizza boxes are more hexagonal to fit the shape of the pizza.

5. What disease did cured ham actually have?
None in particular. Their cure from the disease was their death.

6. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Um...how do you randomly know that? I think you're bs-ing

7. Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Maybe they woke up every two hours too.

8. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes, because the deaf person isn't the one that's doing the "hearing." Duh?

9. Why are you in a movie, but you're on TV?
Huh? I'm not!

10. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Um, duh? You can see more stuff from up high?

11. Why do doctors leave the room while you change? they're going to see you naked anyway.
True. Stupid I guess, but it's just tradition/common decensy.

12. Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
NO idea.

13. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
My dad would eat it!

14. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
They could, especially if there was someone sitting in the passenger's seat.

15. If the professor on Gilligan's island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
Because the writers of Gilligan's island weren't geniuses.

16. If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Who said he BOUGHT the acme?

17. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
"Mineral Oil and Fragrance"

18. Do the alphabet song and twinkle, twinkle little star have the same tune?
lol, I'm dumb. I didn't even realize that!

19. Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Is there any reason I shouldn't have?

ME411
January 31st, 2007, 12:07 am
is there any reason any one isnt putting a new list not just answers to one? im just saying

Lightningsage
January 31st, 2007, 12:15 am
I'll get right on it.