How can I comfort someone with words?

There are basic things like:
"Are you okay?"
"What's wrong?"
"May I help you with anything?"

But that's all I know, and that's where it ends. I need some comforting skills. :\

If you need a scenario: My girlfriend was in a side-hit car accident. She is physically fine. If things were slightly different, the crash would have been fatal for her. She thinks about how bad it could have been... :(

The only things I can come up with are: "At least you are still alive. I'm happy for that," and, "Why think about what could have happened when it didn't and you're completely fine now?"

But they are not nearly good enough. Please help... :unsure:

(Words don't flow with me. I am a naturally quiet person because I don't have things to say like most other people.)

Since when were we yahoo answers :blink:
Just leave her to it. If she really wants to mope arround and drag her feet over one little accident then all you can do is force and encourage her to get on with her daily life.

The first step in comforting someone is understanding how they feel. I can only imagine 2 possible feelings, so pick the choice that's more relevant.


If she's feeling melancholic and regretful:Put yourself in her shoes. What would you be needing the most if you went through the same experience that your girlfriend had?

In this kind of situation, what any normal person would need is the reassurance of their existence. That means simply telling her that she's important in this world. You must convince her that the near-death experience she went through does not relate to anything about her life. Right now, she's thinking about how life had nearly closed the curtain for her, therefore she's blaming herself for even being alive. What you can do is gently coax her into removing that single thought. You can do/try stuff that will make feel appreciated, like treating her to one dinner for example. Even simple compliments, like "Thanks for the help, I truly love it!", can give her a positive reaffirmation of her life. Slap some sense back into her, make her feel special again!


If she's feeling scared, frightened & unsettled about what happened:This means that she fears death. When the incident came about, she was suddenly reminded that death is closer to her than she thinks, therefore she is feeling extremely uneasy about her very existence.

She lost her sense of security. Her heart is still cowering over that incident, and now every little possible danger gets her paranoid. What you need to do is let her regain her sense of security. Only time can heal this wound, but if you want to speed up the process, assure her that you'll be her personal bodyguard, both physically & emotionally. She needs someone to give her the protection she needs, and there is none other than you who is better at that job.

Whenever she's feeling shaky, hug her tightly. When she's feeling bothered, talk to her. When she's in a tight corner, pull her out of it. That's what I mean by being a bodyguard. Eventually she'll snap out of it, but it'd take a bit of time for her to recover. Also, remember, you're only a catalyst, time is the main remedy that will heal this. About a month I suppose?

wow, you sure know your stuff

The thing is, I can't understand how she feels that way. :\ I went through two similar situations before (one car accident and one close-to-death thing, I suppose you can call it--Carbon Monoxide), but I felt completely fine after both. I was unfazed and didn't care about what could have happened; I only thought about the fact that I was still alive and that I could go on.

But the other information is really useful. Thank you very much. ^_^

have you asked her how she feels? a direct approach might be helpful

How about you just give her time to get over this thing and make sure you're there when she needs you? Don't try to force your support onto her, it'll only push her away from you.

cryskolt's way is one option, but there's also the silent "nothing needs to be said" approach, which I think would work better with you since you're kinda like me, a quiet one.

That doesn't necessarily mean you don't do anything. Just understand that she might be too shaken, too traumatized to actually talk to you about it and any questions asked about it might bring up some unwanted memories of the incident and that really, nothing needs to be said. I suggest giving her some time to reflect on herself...but combine this with cryskolt's suggestions too.
Meaning, nothing needs to be said, but make sure that you'll always be there for her.

Every situation is different, I experienced something like this in the past...or rather, my little sister did. Details in the spoiler tag
Back in our old apartment building, a little boy was playing outside on the balcony next door. My sister was next to OUR balcony door, she was on the computer...all of the sudden, she heard a loud *whoosh* and a bright orange light. It turns out that the propane gas tank for the barbecue next door (yes, on the same balcony that the child had been playing in) had ignited, setting the apartment on fire. The child died.
...That's what I had to come home to because I was out with friends at the time (but while on the bus, I did see fire trucks heading to the direction of our complex)
She was traumatized, couldn't sleep for days and was ridiculously pale. She was quiet and just pretty much was laying in bed the whole time. Being a generally quiet kid, I didn't really know what to say.
She wasn't directly involved in the incident, only witnessing a bright flash of light, flames and the fireman carrying the child out of the apartment completely covered in blankets...yet there was a fire next door which could've harmed my family as well. So what I did was just wander in her room from time to time, stay there for a few minutes without saying any words.
I repeated that for the entire time she was in that state and she got out of it fine...albeit with a new look at mortality.

But again, every situation is different. My suggestion only makes it so it doesn't feel like you're forcing your support on her, especially when she might be a bit too traumatized and isn't thinking clearly.

EDIT: LOL, in otherwords, what Neko said. It took me this long to make a post that he was able to post what exactly I want to say XD

Hit her harder next time. with less car in the way!
Enough has been said already so bring in the spam bots.
Not that he really needed advice, being a couple they should have a way with each other anyway, they just don't see it yet maybe.

I didn't even read this thread. but seriously a high five.

The high five is the single most awesome action for this purpose.

Get her a Hallmark card. Those fix everything.

Simple:

If the person is a woman, comfort her with kind words and actions.
If the person is a man, act as though nothing happened.

There are hundreds of peer help books out there, but they all essentially state that men are introverted in thought process, thus would prefer to not talk about thing and sort them out by themselves. Conversely, women are extroverted, and like to discuss cause and effect with others.

Regardless of any of the statistics, comfort should come from yourself and your own thoughts. No training can teach you the right words to say when someone is in pain. Only by knowing the person and by nature can you truly offer advise to them that might make them feel better.

just be there.

No don't be there! Leave her so she has no other option! PLACE COOKIES IN HER CAR!

No don't be there! Leave her so she has no other option! PLACE COOKIES IN HER CAR!

Cookies! *Laughs*

Anyway, the best thing you can do is just... um... tell her not to get too depressed by it? I mean, tell her what you think about it. I don't know if this is helpful, but I have a good feeling this isn't going to work. o_O

Don't try to "fix" her.

Just be there, with her.

Hugs and kisses

Teddy bear factory!
I got a coupon for making a bear anyway :)

Right, thread closed and Han can stay away for a couple of days because he's just been a douche.

No need to close the thread yet, just keep the trolls out...

No need to close the thread yet, just keep the trolls out...

Well, I think I've gotten enough help from those who sincerely meant to help. :) I'm still terrible at comforting people, and at conversation, but I'll survive.

Thanks to all who were helpful. ^_^

Im terrible at comforting people too. :(

If i was her, i'd really want to carpe my every diem. You know, i try and do the whole 'live each day as if its your last' thing, but i think an experience like that would really hit home. Maybe try and help make things more..i dont know..fulfilling?

Mmm..

Right, thread closed and Han can stay away for a couple of days because he's just been a douche.

10 point infraction for that, you sicken me.

Bye Han, see you in a few days.

Ten points for Slytherin!

We're going to win this year!

Is Zucriy Amsuna still active at all? A status update on the girls progress would be nice.

Make listening your primary objective. A person who is grieving or has become downtrodden mostly just needs someone who's willing to sit with him and lend an ear without bias or judgment. Make sure you look him in the eye as you listen.

Shower them with gifts!

ITT: Armchair psychologists.
Everyone's different. How the hell should we know how to fix your girlfriend?!