Well, I guess I decided to put the story in this section. Please rate and give comments about all the chapers I post, so I can get suggestions and use them in the upcoming chapters.

(AUTHOR'S NOTE - okay, some chapters I type in the 1st person, and most of the time I type in third person. I just like to have a good switch inbetween to let you guys know what the main character is actually feeling and etc.)

Name of Story - Still unkown. Will be decided later.

Chapter 1

Blood. Its all over the place. One gushes through a body, another from someone's mouth. Everyone's fighting, and its to the death. Everything is gray, except for the blood coming out. There's no sound. I can only hear my own breathing. Every time I breathe it tends to get louder, and faster. It sounded like I might have a heart attack. Who wouldn't if they stand here, in the middle of all the chaos looking, and staring at people being cut, stabbed, or slashed at with a sword. I don't understand it, I can't hear the screams and crys of the people who are hurt. There's too much blood.
I can't stand it.
There's enough blood to fill a lake. Why, out of all the places am I in this weird place filled with blood, and death with no sound at all? I look at myself. I'm wearing the cloak with my shirt and pants like I always wear when I'm off to missions. Everything is gray. I try and strain my eyes to see atleast a bit of color, but everything is pure gray like it was someone's favorite color. I look around me, and people fall to the floor. Are they dead? were they knocked out? or was it that they just got knocked down and trying to get back up again to cause more bloodshed?
I hated excess violence. Either I hate having too much blood spilling infront of me, or my motivation to kill was off. Right when I was in the middle of that thought something moved onto my right hand. I took a look, and there I saw it. A sword. It is an ordinary sword, but its soaked with blood from other people. I look at it in awe and repedeatly said to myself "Its not my fault, its not my fault, its not my fault".
Now, everyone disappeared. Only me and the sword was left. The sword no longer had blood, yet it looked somehow different. The sword now looks like it had an aura of black. It was hard to see since everything else was black. My heart beat increased as the aura began to engulf me like a pile of black flames extending from a sword. I suffocate, and fall to the floor knee first. I was about to pass out. Before I fainted, I thought I saw, on the sword, a reflection of myself. I couldn't focus in time to see exactly if it was my reflection. My eyes began to forefully close, and I fell into a deep slumber.

What I thought I saw in my reflection, was the eye of the murderer, and the eye of the demon. I don't know if I'm crazy or not, but I saw it. Whats scary about it, was that it appeared in my eyes. How did I become a murderer by holding that bloody sword? How did I become a demon from the dark aura of the sword? Did I even see it right? Maybe its a hallucination.

yeah, Maybe...

End Chapter 1.

I really thought the whole "Yeah, maybe..." was cool. So definitly leave that in.

What you really need is more imagery. Something that would appeal or unappeal to the senses. Something your character can smell, see, feel, etc.
You said gray, which was good, but how about some more detail to sight. Explain a blurry, grayscale horizon or something with the feel of heat, or disturbing mist.

Don't leave stuff like "I hated excess violence", and then jump to something else. Build up on it with reasons or a glimpse of your characters past. To make it cooler, make it connected to someone, but don't give it all away. *remembers FF7 all of a sudden*
There is no such thing as explaining something too much. Thats why all the writers (especially good ones) get away with it, but if you make it good, then no one gets bored.

:sweat: Hope this helps.

I found the repetition of certain words offputting, mostly blood and sword. Try using other words. Blade? And for red, you could use crimson or something.

And the characters emotions are somewhat unexplained.

But, hey, I'm just 15 and I can't write for my life. Aparat from that, it's good.

For the emotions, I decided not to reveal it at this particular time, because If I expose everything now, that would ruin the character development. As for the repition of words, your probably right. I should stop repeating words and get replacements.
As for the more imagry, I should put more detail next time. I thought I explained enough though, but I will try and see if I can put more detail in the next chapter.

Here's a summary of the first chapter if anyone does not understand:

The main character, whose name is not revealed now, is in a middle of a field. A field with no trees or anything. Just plain ground which you can see so far without any obstruction. Everything has a color of gray, except for the crimson red blood being spilled by thousands of people in the field. They are all fighting eachother, and the main character looks at them, standing in the middle of all of it and seeing the blood everywhere. The main character does not like excess violence, because he is an unviolent type. (Actually he is violent, but not to the point where you can spill blood without regret.) He stands there, and all of a sudden a sword pops out onto his right hand. The sword is full of blood, and he cant move. The sword forms a dark aura and engulfs the main character in flames, leaving him speechless (But he was speechless to begin with.) He slowly falls to the floor, passing out while seeing his so called "Reflection" from the sword.

Thanks for your imput and I will put up chapter 2 tonight.

OOOoooooh. A reflection from the sword.

Definitely explain some stuff, and then leave a little mystery. I always loved books that did that, especially if it left saying," Oh crap, it was ___________ and _________ the whole time, or the antagonistic thing was a protaganist or something like that. It feels like you have a whole mystery/action thing going.

EDIT:

Looking foward to chapt. 2. It is pretty good. I do want to know what the hell that dream (if it was a dream) was about.

Wowie sounda kinda deep...well yeah i guess it is it was all good except you used too many of the same words over and over again ( but dont worry i do that w/ my stories somtimes too)and you should also try to add just a tad more of emotion in there and details so the reader can feel more in touch with what the man (boy, child,etc (heh) is currently going through


but still its really good, cant wait until chapter two!

Thanks for your suggestions, everyone! Sorry I couldnt post a chapter up last night. Here's the next one.

(Again, please note that this story uses both third person and first person. Some chapters can shift between views.)

Chapter 2

The room shines brightly as the morning sun creeps in through the curtains. The room is pretty small and empty. Only one bed and a few windows appeared in the room. Beside the bed was a small stealthed sword. The sword looked used through the small scratches on its hilt and cover. The room seem small, however. The ceiling looks like its only 10 feet tall from the ground, and the ground is made of sealed hardwood. The walls are pure white, like it was new.
The sun is rising, and the ray of light now shines through the small opening of the curtains, bringing light into a somewhat dark room. The beam of light lands on the bed, and moves up toward a sleepy man on the bed. A small blanket lies on the guy's stomach, his right hand on his pillow, and his left on his stomach trying to keep the blanket from falling off his stomach. His head facing toward his right silently asleep without any sound. Quiet enough for someone to come into the room and think that this man is dead. The sunlight creeps upward slowly, and stops on the man's left eye. The left eye moves a little, and the man shifts a little. After struggling through his conciousness to not respond to the slight intrusion, his eyes open. He lifted his left hand from the blanket and put it infront of his left eye, the palm facing toward the sunlight trying to stop the sun from interrupting his sleep. The man now is sitting on the matrees, legs in the indian position, arms stretched out behind his back on the matress, leaning on his arms staring toward the curtains, the beam of light shining on his forehead. His right hand goes up and scratches his dark, black hair. Somehow, his hair looked like its been spiked with permanet gel, since even when wet his hair spikes up to his normal shape (The hair this character has is the same as my rp character). His dark blue eyes stare into the sun's rays, thinking about something. He scratches his chest, wearing a blue undershirt along with his shorts which has the same color as his eyes.

"What... Was that dream?" The man asked himself, still staring toward the curtains.
"It felt... so real. No, too real. I was sure my skin was burning from those dark fla....." The guy stopped. He remembered seeing his reflection from the sword now, and thought hard at what its meaning is.
"Thats right... my eyes..." The guy covered his eyes with his hands. He didn't tremble, or showed signs of fear. He just stood there, blank and lost in thought.
"It could be something ominous, but whatever it is..." The guy now stared toward his sword.
"I'm sure it will be an obstacle to my goal." He closed his eyes for a few seconds, and turned to place his feet onto the cold hardwood floor. He stood up, and yawned a bit while stretching his arms out. After he put on his martial art uniform (which is also blue o_O) he grabbed his sword, placed it in his belt (the belt that comes with the martial art uniform that keeps the upper part of the uniform from opening up) and headed out of the room, into the living room where his mother and father are. The kitchen isnt exactly aa kitchen, since it is in the living room. The sofa is on the left side of the living room, where his father is sitting. The light that shines through the window shines onto the back of the sofa since it is facing against the wall. The guy heads down toward the living room from the north. He sees his mother, making breakfast, and his father working around the house (More like, staring out the window like his son was earlier).

"Ohio. (Good Morning)" The man said to his mother and father.

"Aioshi, your up earlier than usual today. Having stomach pains again?" His mother responded, looking at Aioshi like he is going to be sick.

"Heh, yeah he probably is, Sakura. Probably because of your horrible cooking you call "Gift from the Gods"." His father was right across the room when he said this, Sakura glaring back at him, taking a small empty pan from the stove, flinging it across the room toward his father.

"For your information, only YOU consider them horrible, Okinawa!" Okinawa moves his head to dodge the flying pan, and the pan smashes with a vase a few feet behind him.

"Now, Now. Don't blame me for my honest criticism. Anyway, you want some breakfast, Aioshi? or do you want to fake-eat it, and feed it to the birds like I dACKKK" A big wok hit Okinawa straight in the head, causing Okinawa to fall down forming a big bump on his head. Sakura is now furious, breathing heavily like a mad man.

"Its okay, otou-san (Father). I'm not going to eat today okaa-san (Mother), I'm going to head out. See you at dinner." Aioshi waved at his parents while he walked out toward the south, and closes the door behind him. Sakura and Okinawa looking at him for a minute, and then at each other.

"Whats with him today?" Sakura asked Okinawa, her face showing concern.
"He's probably sick of your cooking, that he is going anorexic." Okinawa joked about at Sakura, sticking his tounge out at her. Sakura now became more mad, fists clenched. Finally, she exploded. Sakura runs toward Okinawa and starts chasing him while Okinawa notices it and starts running round and around the living room laughing out loud.

"Can't catch me! Can't catch me! You never caught me 15 years ago, and you never will now! hahahah!" Okinawa laughed out lous while running, his wife getting more mad per second.
"JUST WAIT UNTIL I GET YOUR HEAD!!!!!" Sakura Roared across the room, Okinawa still running around the room. Out of the window, Aioshi was watching the act from the window behind the sofa, smiling at his family.

"Those, are my role models. If only they were like this everyday..." Aioshi sighed, and walked toward the town of Garsingel, where he always go to talk with friends, or go on missions for money. Aioshi looks up at the sky, and smiles.

"Today seems like a good day. There's no clouds in the sky."

Its true. There are no clouds in the sky. The sun can spread its rays freely, warming the air making it feel like the early summer day. What suprises are held for Aioshi in the town of Garsingel?

End Chapter 2

The story line is pretty average it does not really draws the reader into the story. The descriptions are a bit patchy and a bit boring. It is always subject then action. Like: His dark blue eyes stare into the sun's rays, thinking about something. which could be written like: Staring into the sun's ray through his dark blue eyes, he thought of something. The use of " the guy' and 'the man' also makes it a bit confusing. I don't understand the need of writing Japanese when there is the word in English. Won't it be more convient to just write Good morning.

I am being a bitch writing this stuff, but I just can't stand it when people write story with a manga-ish style.

Well, remember that I will be making a manga based on this after finishing.
I also thought about the action going first then the subject, but I dont know.

Hmm, your writing isn't as elegant as it could be. Remember that this is like painting a beautiful picture, with words as your paints and brushes. Your descriptions are like the descriptions one would give as they speak. Very mechanical, technical.

You switch tenses! Use either present or past. Because the constant switching gives an irregular feeling. I find that the past sounds much more natural, because a story is normally told from past events. Unless you've found someone who can write/type at the speed that things happen XD

And, I know that this may be bitchy (hey! everything I've written's bitchy! XD) but the father's way of speaking to the mother isn't very funny. In manga,a it may happen, but I find his way of talking too close to that of an abusive husband.

"Heh, yeah he probably is, Sakura. Probably because of your horrible cooking you call "Gift from the Gods"."
From that single phrase, I assumed that Aioshi lived in an extremely unstable household.

...And that pan would have knocked him out XD

Still a lack of emotion from your main character.


...Please don't hate me?

Hmm, your writing isn't as elegant as it could be. Remember that this is like painting a beautiful picture, with words as your paints and brushes. Your descriptions are like the descriptions one would give as they speak. Very mechanical, technical.

You switch tenses! Use either present or past. Because the constant switching gives an irregular feeling. I find that the past sounds much more natural, because a story is normally told from past events. Unless you've found someone who can write/type at the speed that things happen XD

And, I know that this may be bitchy (hey! everything I've written's bitchy! XD) but the father's way of speaking to the mother isn't very funny. In manga,a it may happen, but I find his way of talking too close to that of an abusive husband.

From that single phrase, I assumed that Aioshi lived in an extremely unstable household.

...And that pan would have knocked him out XD

Still a lack of emotion from your main character.


...Please don't hate me?

Some things you said is what I wanted in these chapters for now. You see, Aioshi's emotions and nature won't be revealed until a few chapters after or maybe the next one. And your right, Aioshi does live in an extremely unstable household, note that he says this when he is outside;

"Those, are my role models. If only they were like this everyday..."

I wont tell you everything about the family yet, as that will be released in the further chapters. (And Okinawa isnt actually abusive, he just likes making jokes. Sakura is the one whos abusive and throws random things at him.)

Now, the problem with switching tenses, and lack of detail(?) I am always like this. I'm not good with sticking with one tense for some reason, even though I'm trying to write everything in ONE tense. What I want the story to be told, is like exactly what is happening at the time, not like telling a story that happened billons of years ago. So I'm going to stick to the present tense, but in some cases I will use the past tense to describe what has happened a few minutes or hours ago from the present time. Note that I am typing what actually happens NOW (like I'm a god, looking at them from above, typing this thing xD)

About the detail thing, I just have trouble with that, since I dont know what you expect in a story, like detail of everything they do, or what? I dont really get what you meanby painting a picture either.

OoooOOOoO now I see what you mean about the whole "I wish they were like this everyday" thingy. Still its good so far but a bit sketchy but usually stories that are destined to be manga usually are because its hard t understand whats going on because its not in its picture from quite yet :)


well cant wait for chptr three keep up the good work :teeth:

Alright, to paint a picture in writing all you have to do is change the way you write appearences. You already are doing it though. You already have good imagery like in


The room shines brightly as the morning sun creeps in through the curtains.
but, in these

The ceiling looks like its only 10 feet tall from the ground
Completely forget about measurements and numbers in the amount of things unless its something out of the ordinary. A reader uses his imagination and doesn't really need this so it kinda leaves you like...........huh? (over explaing)

The walls are pure white, like it was new.

The man now is sitting on the matrees, legs in the indian position, arms stretched out behind his back on the matress, leaning on his arms staring toward the curtains, the beam of light shining on his forehead.

Somehow, his hair looked like its been spiked with permanet gel, since even when wet his hair spikes up to his normal shape (The hair this character has is the same as my rp character).
You kinda overdid it on the imagery this time in several places. I just used these as examples. Again, a reader kinda uses his or her own imagination so you don't need to describe everything every chance you get. So if he sits up, you just make him sit, the reader will do the rest.

Stuff like the hair being spiked like it had permanent gel isn't needed. If you say its spiked, we will still get the picture of him.

The wall? You don't have to say it looks like new. If you feel like you have to say its like new, you're better off saying that it just got a fresh coat of paint and the main character is a little nautious or something.

The main point is that you kinda over explained this time. Now you have try to let the reader get just the idea of everything, the basics.

Not like before though.

Phew....

Your story is sounding a lot like a manga now though. Mainly when stuff were thrown. The first thing I thought of was "Love Hina".

:heh: Can't wait for chapter three.

Why is this in the anime and manga forum? :mellow:

*moves*

Alright, to paint a picture in writing all you have to do is change the way you write appearences. You already are doing it though. You already have good imagery like in


but, in these

Completely forget about measurements and numbers in the amount of things unless its something out of the ordinary. A reader uses his imagination and doesn't really need this so it kinda leaves you like...........huh? (over explaing)



You kinda overdid it on the imagery this time in several places. I just used these as examples. Again, a reader kinda uses his or her own imagination so you don't need to describe everything every chance you get. So if he sits up, you just make him sit, the reader will do the rest.

Stuff like the hair being spiked like it had permanent gel isn't needed. If you say its spiked, we will still get the picture of him.

The wall? You don't have to say it looks like new. If you feel like you have to say its like new, you're better off saying that it just got a fresh coat of paint and the main character is a little nautious or something.

The main point is that you kinda over explained this time. Now you have try to let the reader get just the idea of everything, the basics.

Not like before though.

Phew....

Your story is sounding a lot like a manga now though. Mainly when stuff were thrown. The first thing I thought of was "Love Hina".

:heh: Can't wait for chapter three.

Thanks for the advice! I'll make things more simpler so the reader can use their imagination without it having to be limited. I only thought that adding those extra details would futher enchance the story, and give the reader what I want them to imagine.

Yes this story sounds alot like a manga, because you can say that this will later be a port from the manga I will draw in the years coming. I just want to write the story because I want the storyline to be done before I start drawing it (and my drawing skills suck for now, so I have to practice to get better). You can say that this story is just a sketch or a blueprint. I place all my ideas down here and form a story, and later I would come back to it and edit some parts, and when implimented to the manga, I would edit the story again. So you can say this story is normally supposed to be a manga, but because I cant draw well and I want to write up the story first I'll write it here. So if it sounds ALOT like a manga, thats because it will be one!

Sorry for not working on this. Aparently I am quite busy.

Therefore this story will be posponed until further notice. (maybe until next year?)