Real Name: James
Age: 18
School Currently attending: High School
Please note that some of the material in this summary of my life should not be viewed by those considered not in their majorty in their state/country.

Lets see, I started this thread so that I could help some of you get to know me better, My first name is and has always been James(I used to go by Chris as a fake name). I come from a pretty strict southern family. I first lived in Macon, GA. I was born in Macon Medical center on October 24th of the year 1987. No matter what my attitude on this forum is, please note that all through out school I haven't been a person with many friends, that fault is all my own. Although I believe that it started that way because of my dad, who had a drug problem, he was addicted to crack/cocaine, and him and my mother fought alot when I was little, even to the point of my mother throwing my dad out of the house for a few days before he actually broke the door down and moved back in, my mom has never been an overly smart woman, she put up with him, I hated him, thats pretty much all my relationship has ever been with my father, hate. In 1998, we moved to Alabama, and while there my dad went off on a drug spree after a payday one day, he was gone for 2 days, and during that time my mom sold alot of our stuff just to pay the rent, sad I know but I'm not looking for pity, Well, when my dad finally came home and found that my mom had sold most of out stuff he was pissed and put her in a choak hold, I was scared and ran out of the house and down the street to a neighbor's house, they called the cops and my dad was arrested, my mom and dad seperated, he moved out and they were apart for all of a week, when my mom went to visit him and they got back together, so we ended up moving to live with him, back in Georgia. He still used drugs. Things were okay for a while, and by okay I mean that they were probably as good as they were ever going to get. Anyway, over the next few years I found myself withdrawing from the few friends I had at school, sleeping most of the day at home, my grades were falling, I was missing alot of school(this being my Freshman year at High School) but it was all summed up to just be a case of High Scool jitters. A month after school started, my panic attacks started, I don't know what triggered them, they just happened, I found my self freezing up at school, not wanting to look at anyone or be touched by anyone, I couldn't move during a panic attack, I was barely able to breath during one, I started having them more and more often. I was considering dropping out of school. My mom took my to see a Psychologist(our insurance paid for it) and that was when I was diagnosed as being Clinically Depressed. I know some people think that depression is just feeling sorry for yourself, well, that IS a part of it, but not all of it, and so I was put on Prozac, which had little to no effect on me, so then I was put on Lexapro. One of my closest friends at the time, Ronnie, had just moved away and we had lost contact with each other, I was even more depressed now, even with the medication I was taking, this point in my life some of you already know - My suicide attempt, it was just before dinner time and I went in the bathroom and and stared into the mirror for about 10 minutes before I decided I wanted to end everything. I took my medicine for depression(Lexapro) out of the cabinet and took all of the remaining pills(17, I believe is what the paramedic said was I took) dropped the bottle on the floor and went back to my bedroom and tried to fall asleep, about 3 minutes later my mom came into my room with the bottle in her hands and was just staring at me, and then asked me if this was a joke, had I really taken all the pills or had I just washed them down the sink, so I told her that I had taken them, so then she called a posion control center and told them the drug and if it could be fatal if it was overdosed on, the operator on the other end told my mother that it was very deadly and that if anyone had overdosed on it should be gotten to the hospital as soon as possible because Lexapro affects the nerves and could cause permanent nerve damage and death is left in the system. so my mom rushed me to the hospital and I was forced to drink this char stuff, well, I was transfered to Dothan, Alabama and put in a hospital room and put under suicide watch by the nursing staff, everyone kept asking me why I did it, and honestly I couldn't give them an honest answer, part of it was my dad's drug habit and the way he sometimes hurt my mom, part of it was the fact that my best friend ever had moved and yet another part was the fact I was homosexual, my parents, however disfunctional they are, hate "fags" and I have grown up all of my life with my parents saying stuff like "Those fags should die" "God should kill those fags" and other comments similar in nature. The sad fact is, I love my mom and didn't want to disappoint her by being a "fag".

2004-

I had a new friend, David, he was pretty cool, he was a month younger than me although alot of people thought he was older, his dad was a military trainer and spent most of his time away from home, leaving David home alone, I spent as much time with David as I could while his dad was away, because to tell you the truth I was coming out of my shell, starting to get close to people, David was the first person I think I ever had true feelings of love for and I let those feelings cloud my judgement, I let him talk me into alot of things I regret, including my smoking of pot and a few other things that I don't wish to bring up in public as some people will most likely find them offensive. About a year after he talked me into these things he moved. And there I was again feeling alone and feeling used.

Mid-2005-
Josh. Josh was the most awesome thing to ever happen to me, he got me interested in personal fitness and I actually started going to church with him on Sundays, he was so awesome, I ranked him as one of the highest positive influnces on my life. He really got me back on track, unlucky for me, I often let my feeling get the better of me and soon I was dealing with the emotion of love again, I never got to express this emotion to him as at the end of 2005 he said goodbye to me, packed up his things, joined the Air Force and moved to Texas.

2006-

I'm pretty happy, or at least I think I am, I have a group fo friends at school that I love being around, I can count them all on my fingers. I'm not out, I don't have a boyfriend, my dad got help for his drug problem. although I still hate him. I keep in touch with Josh through World of Warcraft. I still love him, no matter how far away he is, I guess I'm just sad like that. And here I am today. I'm still in school also.

Thank you guys for listening.

Wow that's a lot to go through...I feel for ya. It's not a bother to me to lisen in fact rant/tell more to me if you like. As for your dad- I wish him well.I hope he can learn about what he's done and maybe get a decent job make some money and owe somethin' up to you as a sorry.And for your mom, I wantCHA if you don't mind to give her a big hug one day for dealing with him and all the crap he brought with him! ^^;; anyways sorry if it's not my place to comment *backs away* hope I helped any if some.
BTW I too live in Georgia ^__^ we rock!

it's a nice sharing, paradox. i'm glad for you being able to return to school and start a life again, truelly. your story really shows that parent play an important part in our lifes. where there are a bad dad or mom, children is the one who suffer the most.

Paradox I would honestly like to know why you feel the need to post all this. We don't need to know this. Most people probably don't *want* to know this. Not because it's depressing or sad but because they just don't care. You say you don't want pity but if you don't then there is no point to this. Plenty of people have bad stuff going on in their lives. You don't see them starting threads to 'share'. If someone actually asks you then tell them. If you really want a certain person to know then tell them. Otherwise, don't subject the rest of us to it. It's pointless.

As the others have said, it was quite the read.

Squiggle, I disagree completely with everything you say. I have problems in my life too, and it's people like you that make it very, very difficult for me to share them. People like you that get make me feel like noone really cares. That make me feel like problems are just one in a million. With a statistic like that, are anyone's problems really worth sharing?

Sometimes, I feel there is a difference between sharing the problems in your life, and being a flat-out attention whore. Music, for example, was the perfect example of an attention whore. Rather than keeping it restricted to one, nice, neat topic, she flooded the forum with sympathetic posts and quickly came in contact with anyone who wanted attention. And even when several people came to her, she still wanted more.

But something like this, I really don't see it as wrong. If everyone views their problems as just another statistic and keeps them to themselves, then most of our problems will never get solved. Sometimes, you don't know who to talk to, sometimes you don't know what to do, and if posting a topic for us to comment on his life will make Paradox's life all the better, than hey, I'm happy for him.

Some people will not really care. Many will not be able to do a damn thing about it. But there is also perhaps the possibility that a few comments given will actually make change for the better. If people don't want to read something like this, they can just skip over the topic. It's not going to kill them. We don't *need* to know this any more than we *need* to know anything else on this forum, for the most part.

I'm not sure what else to say, really. I'm glad Paradox is able to express his feelings and life so openly, because I sure as hell can't. Paradox, I do hope you get something out of this topic.

Paradox I would honestly like to know why you feel the need to post all this. We don't need to know this. Most people probably don't *want* to know this. Not because it's depressing or sad but because they just don't care. You say you don't want pity but if you don't then there is no point to this. Plenty of people have bad stuff going on in their lives. You don't see them starting threads to 'share'. If someone actually asks you then tell them. If you really want a certain person to know then tell them. Otherwise, don't subject the rest of us to it. It's pointless.

no one forced you to read it...

Nightmare, I barely know how to start.

I make you feel like noone cares? Well, that is just silly. There are lots of people who care, it doesn't matter who you are. Most of the time when something dramatic happens they just seem to pop up everywhere. Most of these people just want to look like nice caring people by listening to some person's tragic problems. The people who actually seek these kinds of people out, and a thread like this is a magnet for them, are just being silly and don't really want to solve their problems. They just want to feel special for the thirty seconds that someone takes to write an insincere post.

The people who really care are the ones who stick around after the shock of the dramatic event wears off. Those are the people to talk to if you really want to solve your problems. The people who can help you are only going to be put off by a topic like this.

You don't have to keep your problems to yourself but if you aren't discerning in who you share your problems with then you are just being an attention seeker.

As for you respecting Paradox for being able to openly share his problems? Get over it. When you really need to share your problems with someone you will be able to. Not wanting to share your problems with all and sundry is much more admirable.

People like me make it hard for you to share your problems? Don't make such generalisations. I have problems in my life too. Lots of people do. I understand where you are coming from, not thinking anyone cares. But as I said before, there are more people who care than you think. They might not be the people who you want to care. But that's the way of life. Councellors actually care. As much as they seem like a joke and they don't understand. They may not understand you but they actually care.

People who reply to topics like this with such things as 'Paradox you poor thing. I hope you feel better about yourself now!' and 'Your dad is a bastard, Paradox! You tell your mum that she deserves better. You deserve better too!'. Those people are the ones who you should be afraid of telling your problems too. People like myself are much more likely to actually understand somewhat and be helpful.

Thorn, no, nobody made me read it, I did that myself. But just because I have an opinion that doesn't seem 'nice' doesn't mean that it is any less valid or deserved.

You don't have to keep your problems to yourself but if you aren't discerning in who you share your problems with then you are just being an attention seeker.


Some people have nowhere else to turn. It's not always easy keeping everything inside. I made a topic about my schizophrenia problem and it DID help a lot. I was not trying to seek attention. I needed help. It's not "pointless" as you put it. <_<

its good to just talk sometimes just to have someone there to listen. it was a pretty interesting read i didnt think id manage to read all of it but i got hooked. could be a book or a movie

Hmm...Squiggle, it might be that sometimes people just don't know who they can trust enough to share their problems with, so they rather blare it out in the annonymity of the net. It is quite one thing to be telling your life story to someone who knows you personally, and another to be telling it to people who don't. If someone thinks badly of you after you say it out on the net, there's not so much harm done because you don't get to see that person every day, but if someone you treasured as a friend thought differently of you after you trusted him/her with your secrets, that's going to be a whole lot more punishing.Sometimes it's not really the comments, insincere or otherwise, that people want to hear by saying all these, but the mere act of sharing it that makes the person feel better.

And besides, some people are simply not lucky enough to have people around them who "really care", and who stick around when something happens. Who are they going to let it out to then? Some people might choose counselling, but then others might not feel comfortable with spilling out all their problems face-to-face with someone they barely know. And they feel more comfortable writing it out.

I don't really think publishing your life story once on a public forum is considered as attention-seeking.... I would think it's attention-seeking only if the person seems to boast about his/her sad life every opportunity he/she can.

And I don't know if i can be categorized under "people who really care" or "people who don't", but nevertheless I wanted to read it because it's so rare for people to honestly give you an insight into his/her life. I personally feel it's sobering to view your own life and your own problems in context with the lives and problems and thought processes of others.

Kquietude, if someone wanted to take advantage of the annonymity of the net as you say then they wouldn't post on a forum they have been active on for a long while. They would go join a new forum where they truly were annonymous.

As for being lucky enough to have people around who really care not many people are. I certainly wasn't. Most of the time these people can only turn to counsellors because that's all there is. And comfort doesn't often come into it when people really need to sort out their problems. If you can point me in the direction of a suicide attempt who was comfortable with talking about it after the fact I salute you.

I really do this this constitutes an attention seeking attempt. If Paradox wanted to talk about it with his friends on this site then he should have done it via PM, aim or whatever private means they use. If he was seeking to talk about it and utilise the annonymity of the internet then he should have joined a forum where he really was annoymous and didn't have any friends.

As for an honest insight, I don't believe anyone can truly give an honest insight into their own problems. They are bias and influenced by things that they don't mention. The only honest insight can be given by those outside the situation looking in.

Demonic, I haven't seen your thread so I can't comment on it. But if you really look for somewhere to turn it always appears. Most of the time people are just too bogged down to bother really looking.

Sephiroth, I can't believe you just said that. This could be turned into a book or a movie. That is classic. One of the things that makes a book or a movie different to real life it over dramatization. How fitting that you say that about this without even realising it.

squiggle i believe what you said is true and it do applies to everyone. undeniably there are people who seek for attention, but i see no wrong in that. isn't that what makes us human, to be loving and caring. without it, life are just meaningless. it might seems annoying to you, but some people do appreciate other people sharing which you should not deny bout it too. and i do not believe of any insincere response of others. because i believe writings and words are mediums to express our thoughts and feelings at that moment. just like yours, you write all these becuase you are unsatisfied. aggressiveness and unsatisfaction will never be appreaciated. but if it is a kind suggestions, i do not think any one would be oppose to that.

It is true that humans crave and need love and attention. You are making the assumtion however that we crave and need it all the time.
You say that I am aggressive and dissatisfied. You seek to get me to change my attitude by dangling the fact that people do not gravitate towards those who seem aggressive.
I have to tell you tomodachi that I do not do this for attention or to be appreciated. I did it first to express my opinion and thereafter to defend my opinion.

It's true that some people have virtually no firends, and really don't talk about their problems with family, it is easier for those people to talk about it online. I am not saying that it is the best way to get those frusterations off your chest, but at least it's a way. It's better to talk about those things than to keep them inside.
I should know.

I say let Paradox post this stuff because everyone needs to rant, and vent.

It was a way to let out some emotions. Signing up at another forum just to post his life could end with people calling him an attention whore or with no one believing him. Talking to someone close can be hard, especially if you don't want to worry anyone. Counselors might not be of much help either, so a really good choice to let his emotions out might be a forum he's been active in for a while. It wouldn't be completely annonymus, and he would be able to have a little more security. PMing or talking to someone one-on-one isn't any easier either, not that this was easy to begin with.

___________________

anyways, wow... that was a lot to go through, it was really touching too.

I'm just glad that things are starting to look up for you now.

I don't know if its my place to comment though, sorry if it isn't. ^^'

The only reason I posted this was so that people could get to knwo the real me, what happens or has happened in my life. The only reason I felt as though I could post this here is because I've been here for a long time and I have some long-standing friendships, everyone that posts in this thread is allowed their own opinion, although -
You say you don't want pity but if you don't then there is no point to this. I already stated my point in my post before you even said that, and I have restated that point in this post and your reasoning makes no sense to me, but like I said, everyone has their own opinions.

i thought it was a good read, nicew you wanted to share it i guess.

I just find it funny people discussing the significance of your post

edit:damn computer

I already stated my point in my post before you even said that, and I have restated that point in this post and your reasoning makes no sense to me, but like I said, everyone has their own opinions.
Yes, you did state your point. However just because you stated it doesn't mean it is reasonable. Whatever gave you the idea that the forum as a whole wanted to get to know you better? That is, quite frankly, rather conceited. You say you have long standing friendships here. Well go tell your long standing friends. But we don't need you personal life on display.

Tranquil, if a peson didn't want to worry anyone then they wouldn't be talking about it. What most people here don't seem to understand is that before a person talks about anything they either come to some sort of accord with themselves which is already the first step to solving their problems or they are being forced to look at themselves because they have been caught out.
If you are posting on a forum then you are not being forced to, you are doing it of your own choice. This requires you to have thought it out inside yourself. So either they really have thought it out and therefore have come to some understanding of themselves or they never did it in the first place. At which point you have to question how serious the problem really was if they can just decided something like that on a whim.
This brings us back around to the point that if they truly had thought hard about it they would be more discerning about whom they share it with.

Squiggle, for some reason I get the idea that you are just trying your best to get me mad so that I will make a rude post towards you. It's not really going to happen I hope you know. but,

Yes, you did state your point. However just because you stated it doesn't mean it is reasonable.
I wonder who made you the high ruler of deciding when a point is reasonable and when it is not. You have your opinions, I have mine, and everyone else has theirs. You are just trying to blow up trouble when there is none, and I don't rightly like it. I was just posting some things about my life, not so that people would feel sorry for me, but just so that some people could see some of the events that lead up to this point in my life to have made me the person that I am today. Oh no, there is alot more I could have added, but left out, and the things i wrote hold nothing to the stuff that I didn't. So please, you may state your opinions, but please, not at the cost of trying to stir up some arguing.

Paradox I would honestly like to know why you feel the need to post all this. We don't need to know this. Most people probably don't *want* to know this. Not because it's depressing or sad but because they just don't care. You say you don't want pity but if you don't then there is no point to this. Plenty of people have bad stuff going on in their lives. You don't see them starting threads to 'share'. If someone actually asks you then tell them. If you really want a certain person to know then tell them. Otherwise, don't subject the rest of us to it. It's pointless.

If you don't like this thread, forget about it. :mellow:

It is true that humans crave and need love and attention. You are making the assumtion however that we crave and need it all the time.
You say that I am aggressive and dissatisfied. You seek to get me to change my attitude by dangling the fact that people do not gravitate towards those who seem aggressive.
I have to tell you tomodachi that I do not do this for attention or to be appreciated. I did it first to express my opinion and thereafter to defend my opinion...

...Whatever gave you the idea that the forum as a whole wanted to get to know you better? That is, quite frankly, rather conceited. You say you have long standing friendships here. Well go tell your long standing friends. But we don't need you personal life on display.


Your stabbing at this topic because you think Paradox is doing all of this to "Attract attention". How can you be so sure that he is doing this solemly for that purpose? Everything we post on the net will attract attention, but that doesnt label us as "Attention seekers" no matter what we post. We only consider people as an attention whore if they post something outrightly rediculous, or uneeded. Maybe to you what paradox says is nothing, but to some others it could be something that can lead to a discussion.

He has been on here for a while, and I think its okay for him to tell us his experiences, as long as he doesnt post "I'll go kill myself cause I hate you all". If he wants to post it on the forum, let him be. Have an open mind.

I agree with Hiei.
Good call, Friend!

Squiggle, for some reason I get the idea that you are just trying your best to get me mad so that I will make a rude post towards you. It's not really going to happen I hope you know.
This merely proves my point that you are being conceited.

And honestly, you would think that with this many people disagreeing with me you would be able to find some new arguments. You cannot argue a point by sheer force of repetition. Well, you can try but it just makes you look foolish.

Until you can all come up with an original point I don't see the point in continuing this. From here on out it ceases to be a discussion and turns into a chance for idiots to look like caring and thoughtful members of society. Which is what it was before the discussion started.

Hmm, I don't get why you're getting so heated up about this. Is it really so important in the grand scale of things? If he wants to do something and it won't affect you, don't try telling him to do otherwise.

And, anyway, keeping shit inside really can make things seem worse than they are. Maybe he is attention seeking: but why is that so wrong?

Squiggle...i think you are the attention seeker =.=
stop it.

It's a community here, if he feels that he's comfortable enough to share his personal life with us, then it shows his passion for this community, and that he trust the members here to be able to understand why he does it.

i'm pretty sure he thought about it before posting his personal life to us.

This forum is known for the friendly members. As members of this community dont' you think we should help, and support our fellow members?

I'm sorry. I know this is a serious thread, and there's this stupid argument going on, but I have to throw something in. The title of this thread makes me think of this scene in "Unconditional Love" where Jonathon Pryce's coffin is opened to reveal him in a frilly pink boa, night gown, and diamond tiarra. In order to save face, Julie Andrews gets up and sings "Getting to Know You" at the pulpit. It's a pretty funny scene.

Squiggle, I love how you can ignore lots of other peoples posts, but not this thread. :mellow:

All I know is, this thread hasn't been locked up yet, which implies that so far there isn't anything wrong that the admins/mods have found . . so guys, let's stop the fighting.

I'm sorry. I know this is a serious thread, and there's this stupid argument going on, but I have to throw something in. The title of this thread makes me think of this scene in "Unconditional Love" where Jonathon Pryce's coffin is opened to reveal him in a frilly pink boa, night gown, and diamond tiarra. In order to save face, Julie Andrews gets up and sings "Getting to Know You" at the pulpit. It's a pretty funny scene.
really? i got the tune all those kids sing in the addams family, you know, the one where they're all dressed like trees and stuff at the stage.... where wednesday and pugsley have the sword fight? please say someone knows what i'm talking about...

This merely proves my point that you are being conceited.

And honestly, you would think that with this many people disagreeing with me you would be able to find some new arguments. You cannot argue a point by sheer force of repetition. Well, you can try but it just makes you look foolish.

Until you can all come up with an original point I don't see the point in continuing this. From here on out it ceases to be a discussion and turns into a chance for idiots to look like caring and thoughtful members of society. Which is what it was before the discussion started.
squiggle, just shut up now. i think this is your oppurtunity to look like an uncompassionate person with no social skills, personally i'd rather look like a caring 'idiot'.

Er, um, yea. You double posted...I think.

Besides that!
Paradox: I have to say reading your past was quite interesting to read, and I'm just happy it's not a bunch of complaints on how life sucks and what not. It makes me think about how lucky I've been with my life...good to know that life's getting better for you.

Er, um, yea. You double posted...I think.

Besides that!
Paradox: I have to say reading your past was quite interesting to read, and I'm just happy it's not a bunch of complaints on how life sucks and what not. It makes me think about how lucky I've been with my life...good to know that life's getting better for you.

My thoughts exactly.

Ok well now that I remembered to get my 2 cents in again.
Like it has been stated before no one is forced to read anything. If you don't don't and if you do do. Its simple and if you question why is it up why don't you question everything else? Like why come online? We all crave attention and it's just part of us...we're humans and IMO he may or may not be craveing attention but he wants people to know and share info- I think it's a great thing he can be so open ^__^ I really like it.

Anyways let's all stop now, and if I start up or anything-please slap me okies? Ok then Para I want you to keep looking on the bright side kay? And keep on ranting! xP